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Hello there & welcome to my blog. Here you'll read tidbits about my daily life, some random thoughts, & maybe a rant here and there. I'm sure you'll learn something about me, if you don't know me of course. Down below are links to find me (personal accounts not posted). I hope you enjoyed your stay while listening to the songs I'm recently listening to. Come back & read again~ ^w^/

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The one who worked on "Legend of Korra".... and directed... his very... first film... "Voltron"... introducing... Steve Ahn!
He was so funny! Though I'd like to type in detail his jokes, I'm really tired right now. Class in the morning for 6 hours, then another 3 hours at his presentation. Of course, I enjoyed it. I might include some later haha [[check notes]]
I was thinking about writing a super long post on everything he said, but... I'm tired and lazy haha

A few things I just want to say is about his closing.
"Have your own intentions in your artistic journey."
"Don't pick a dream because you fear your true dream won't make it." (may not be exact words, but same meaning)
His experiences were just too relatable. He was told he would never be accepted into an art college because he had too little time to prepare a portfolio (he was a junior in high school when he decided) and he just started going to a private art class. A year later, he was accepted into Cal Arts; it was also the only school he had applied to after high school due to somewhat "destined" reasons. A portfolio of over 300 works. Not the best, but showed lots of passion, hard work, and dedication. I think that's what really inspired me.

Just like me, he didn't think he would choose the art path due to parents' expectations. Just like me, we decided to go into art in our 3rd year in high school. Just like me, he was inspired by anime (though technically he was just watching a basketball anime when he suddenly had the thought "I want to make something like that," and I had the same thought when I was watching the behind-the-scenes for Howl's Moving Castle.)
When my experiences relate so closely to other artists, I feel like I can make it... just like them... So just like them, I have to work and not be lazy. Even when I'm surrounded by talented people (a 1st year is drawing Disney-styled (to me) characters!), I feel a lot of pressure, but that same pressure is what's pushing me, too.


Dreams... so much talk about dreams lately lol Even Yoosung brought up dreams.
"What I fear the most is that nothing will change even as time passes me by."
"... no matter how fun the activity may be, it's difficult to be 'passionate' about something on [your] own."
"Is it sad to not be able to do what you want? or... Is it sad not to know what you want?"
This topic is difficult... but the start of one's dreams is something one must figure out on their own...

Welp, I guess I'm going to shower. Maybe render a bit... Goodnight.

The week seems to go by pretty fast? It's already Wednesday. I don't have homework that I need to rush for next class... but my neck hurts and I wanna just lay down. And my stomach hurts a bit; glad it came before the wedding though. It's next week. omg.

I think I'm handling work slightly better? If I spend the rest of this week doing catch-up homework, I should be able to catch up by next week. Then I just gotta stay on top of things. How many times have I said that? Haha.
I was pretty distracted in class today. I kept thinking about charms again... and I was thinking about an MCx707 charm. You see individual RFA member charms, and ships within the RFA charms, but not really with MC... Hm... I have an idea in my head but I just know it won't come out exactly like that LOL I also was thinking about a collab store with Nana and Moe, but don't know if they're down for it hehe not like I asked though. We may all be too busy...
On a side note, spending so much, I'm planning on a summer job in SJ. I mean, well, since I have an apartment here, might as well make use of that.

Ah, I already don't know what else I wanted to mention....
Yesterday I was doing my ANI 50 masterwork project. Everything was going super dandy... until I realized I cut the bottom of the board an inch too much... OTL I was so disappointed. It was 2:30 in the morning. Luckily it was an inch only so I moved the pictures up and made the top and bottom border 1.5" instead of 2". Oiii, and Lizz was just talking about following directions...
Well that's all I guess? Oh, and also that grayscale? It didn't pass. Technically. I don't have to re-do it, but I hate how it didn't pass. Other than there were like 2 values that seemed similar and "crushed" texture in the 2 darkest squares, there was no other problems; Inga kept praising my craftsmanship so why didn't it passsss ToT I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well in a course I've taken...
Ah, I'm tired. There's something nagging in the back of my mind, but since it's not revealing itself, I'ma take a super duper short nap before class. Zzzz
--
EDIT: While I'm on break in class right now let me just say: I thought I got my life together only to find it falling apart right now.
Okay, so it's not that dramatic LOL but my masterwork project that I was pretty proud of despite the border problem? Well, the problem increased because I messed up on the borders on the images toooo! On top of that, I just remembered that I didn't do the 20 cubes for ANI 12, but I still have the cubes from last year. Sigh. And here I thought I finished all my homework early. Lesson to be learned: I will never finish homework and not need to rush it before the class.
--
EDIT2: I remember! It was about Uta no Prince-sama's 4th season. Omgee it's coming out on Oct.1! I cannot wait for all those collab releases between HEAVENS & STARISH <3 There's also another anime movie coming out called "Koe no Katachi," by the director of "Kimi no na wa." Heard it's gonna be sad~ but a good movie.

Just wondering... if my urge to work comes from because I'm spending so much? Lol I feel like I'm trying extra hard in school to make up for spending all my money LOL. At the same time, I just want to do well this semester and not repeat the same mistakes from last semester, so that after working so hard, I just want to reward myself. Haha it seems like a cycle.

This morning I skipped ANI 28 because I had work to do for ANI 50 and 12 & I worried I wouldn't have time. Guess what? Ended up finishing maybe 2 hours earlier. Maybe shouldn't have skipped class... kinda guilty about it. It kinda throws me off a bit too... Welp. Let's keep trying to catch up!

Ugh. Today was ridiculously hot. 101... whut. Waking up too early this morning when I slept at 3... oh yeah! After ANI 50, I helped Lily with her shadow, Jassimaran and Michelle with their transfer papers. In ANI 12, I asked Michelle if she could send me her notes. She's so adorable~ and dude, I saw her planner. Damn. It was so neat. She has this lil' box for her goals and then of course homework and to-dos. They looked like those really pretty notes by those Korean students on IG.

Was going to read and take notes, but my hair's dried now, so I'ma nap! On a side note, I suddenly really really want Kaori Wakamatsu's art book ToT I saw it at Kinokuniya but didn't think I wanted it. Then I did.... but let's save that money for the VIP package //cries//

I also tried Daiso's charcoal nose strips. It smelled weird, but not too bad... but bad after a while. I can't tell if it did any good but when I took it off, my nose was left with the sticky black residue from the strip. I don't even know if I waited long enough; it felt like it was coming off so I decided to take it off.

Also, first presidential debate for 2016. How was it? From what I've heard/read, seems like it can be summarized as a "child's argument"? *shrugs*

My mind's a mess right now after almost 4 hours of re-rendering the grayscale. Currently at the library. Still have lots of homework to do, and doesn't seem like I'll be anywhere close to finishing any time soon, but here I am taking another break.

Dreams grow haha I'm doing my drapery study right now. I should've been done already, but I got distracted looking up stickers and other products. It saddens me when I'm not at the level of making prints... Nevertheless, charms and stickers seem fun~ I'm a fan of buttons, but not really making buttons... LOL.
I was telling Steph again because she asked if I was gonna do die cut or kiss cut stickers, so I was telling her my plan. She said "well, I'm free everyday" ahaha I love her xD She'd definitely be my business partner (sort of). I showed her a screenshot of someone's packaging and said "if our dreams ever come true" and she replied with Frodo(?) with heart eyes. If only I spent as much time on product research as I have on school work -sigh-

On a side note, I finally made the decision to buy 2 Tsukiuta charms from Soumeki@storenvy. About $19 >x< I had to make the choice to buy only 2 instead of 4. Wow... I actually did it. Kind of don't want the VIP package anymore... but I'm really having war in my head right now because the "Top Secret" handbook that comes with it is apparently a concept book that I also want ToT and V's business card is super nice~ -cries-
Wasting more money... ToT

Last night I stayed up late when I could've avoided that. I went to sleep around 3 because I was working on my B/W masterwork. I would've started around 12 or 1, but ended up talking to Steph about selling charms, and then the flow just wouldn't stop, and me & Steph were brainstorming so much ahaha She said "YES. DO IT. I will package everything for you because I have nothing to do and I'm bored" or something along those lines lol We talked for almost 1-2 hours?
I really want to; I mean, I even went as far as to contact some vendors LOL They were really nice about everything and oooh~ just thinking about it makes me jittery haha I wonder when that time will be...

I was so sleepy this morning that I took a nap during break (not really a nap because I was still conscious, but at one point I may have really fallen asleep ^^' ) I think work is done... luckily there isn't much to do for ANI 12 but to fix my cube. For ANI 50 (the B/W masterwork), I kinda BS-ed it :p will end up fixing that plus the other files later too...
I was looking up 'egg & toast' for some ideas for Steph's pin(?) and the pictures looked really yummy! Then I looked on YT for recipes and ooooh~ I wanna cook LOL

Aiyah, better go fix that cube, but I think I'ma make a sandwich. Peace! xP

It's almost 11am and I'm crying over here what the heck.
It's an hour of Pokémon on kissanime, eps 42-43. Wow. Why did I start?

I actually cry pretty easily lol I cried as soon as they showed Citron & Citroid (sorry for using their Japanese names; I'm only watching the subbed) I cried when Puni-chan started talking about why he believed humankind, when he listed all the "great things [he has] seen": cooperation. great efforts. happiness. beliefs. goals. progress. never give up...
This probably wouldn't have triggered if they didn't show Citroid "dying" again and didn't play that sad BGM lol

I cry when characters achieve what they thought they couldn't, or what they worked hard for; I cry because I'm happy for them... WOW I'M EMOTIONAL LOL

Alright, short random rant done. Really need to study now

I cannot believe... that I want to buy more acrylic charms. Everything is so expensive though! (well, mainly shipping. the charms itself are only $5-8; but, they add up to a hefty amount ^^; )
Seeing these charms, I'm looking into making/selling my own charms! Of course, when I do any better on my art LOL I want to be a con artist... not the scamming ones! lol Some 1st years were talking about how getting a table during a convention was "goals." I've always wanted to too... lol selling online was also one for me. Since I'm so tempted, I'm asking the others if they want to buy any merchandise from this one Facebook page, that way shipping is much more worth it. I'm looking at charms from 2 different people so I'm debating... also, there's the problem that I've been wanting Birdy's hoodie and also planning on that RFA VIP package... Everything excluding Birdy's hoodie is ending pre-order in Oct. or starting (pre-)orders in late Sept./early Oct. The moment to make the decision?

On a side note, I finally put up my Uta no Prince posters! Though Syo fell this morning, and I almost creased it lol Looks nice! but my side of the room looks so "otaku" LOL Me & Steph were talking last night while I was decorating, that everything I have are brighter/lighter colors compared to her darks and grays LOL Her side is more "aesthetic" while my side is cutesy lol

Yesterday I was being so productive! It was a long day, but as usual, it ended as a good day ^^ I should have studied for my HIST midterm yesterday, but I got distracted (-ahem-, charms) The day is starting out differently than I planned, but I'll make it work. Well! Better study now! By the way, INFINITE's 'The Eye' is on loop lol I freakin' love the dance though~

Today was ridiculously hot omg. The heat made me sick; I felt like throwing up and had a headache. Did not feel well at all. Or maybe I worked too much too... lol
When I got back Saturday night, I worked on the grayscale 'til I finished the 1st pass; slept at 2:30am. I woke up around 5:30am (didn't get out of bed 'til 6am though) to completely finish it. I don't know if it'll pass though, but I'm glad I finished that. I went back to sleep around 7:15am. I planned to wake up around 9:30. Couldn't, so I reset my alarm to 10:30. I didn't get up 'til 11.

The grayscale was the most time-consuming so it's a good thing I finished that. Then I worked on ANI 50 stuff and finished pretty fast (if you count 1-3 hours fast lol). Then worked on ANI 12 stuff again, finished half. And BS-ed ANI 28, brick drop. Uh, I think it'll look like crap > < I have to wake up early in the morning to go animate it... -sigh-
Anyway, now I have time to catch-up with as much stuff as possible! I guess it's ANI 28 readings first... then ANI 50 daily sketches & research... and lastly ANI 12 notebook. I really need to get that notebook done; it was what failed me last semester omg.

Today was also Day 11 for Mystic Messenger. I CANNOT. OMG. Though I really want to jump in and play a 2nd route, I think I'ma take a break from it to focus on work. By the way, I've been thinking of getting the RFA VIP package because I really want the CD/DVD. If I did get it, I'd probably sell the other stuff, but I might be tempted to keep it LOL (it's $79+shipping = $90) Everyone says it's really worth it, but if I had to treat this purchase as "a treat to myself," I would rather get Birdy's hoodie as a treat lol I guess we'll see by October if I can't still find a download somewhere... 

I do always refer to Espey as our Queen. hehe.
It's the cycle of life....

Espey's been with us since we were kids; she watched us grow up. Sadly, today was her last day with us. For a few weeks or so, she has been sick. There wasn't anything the vet could do as s/he said she was old. I think she had an IV treatment though. Yesterday was my last day to see her. It scared me when she started to have her episodic seizure. We thought she was a goner then and there. Amazingly, she made it to today. Jen was able to get to her in time to see her during her last moments. They took her to the vet to put her to sleep.
Espey was our first pet to be put to sleep I believe. All our pets were outside pets. When the cats feel like its their time, they quietly leave without us knowing. We know they will never come back when they don't return from a few weeks to a month. Even during her last moments, I believe Espey wanted to hide away and live her last days hidden from us.

It feels odd now without her there...

I am super sleepy right now... early class is one thing, but so is this heat. On a side note, Mystic Messenger is escalating! (Yoosung route, Day 9) Like... wow. So much anticipation lol

Right now waiting for Jim and Jo to come pick me up. I'm going home for a day, probably be back Saturday afternoon? Well, let me tell you about today. I may have posted something about this last year (or not) about my teachers. I really love SHM and the A/I major really. I think it was Jo/Flora/& Callum talking about the major, how we're like a big family. John was the dad, Inga the mom, Lizz our crazy fun aunt, Dave Chai the wacky uncle, Brandon the younger brother/uncle, Sheldon the stepdad, Bunny & Courtney the grandparents. Pretty much the major (well-known in the program) professors. And I was thinking "wow... that is so true."

---oh. they're here. gotta go! will finish tonight--

Well, fuck.
Excuse the language. I was super pissed off when I realized I left my dirty laundry in my suitcase at the apartment; I only found out when we reached Stockton. I was just mad at myself for doing something so stupid. It sorta stressed? me out too I guess, and I've already been stressing too much. It took me a while to calm down; I calmed down after my shower. I really shouldn't let small things piss me off like that. To be honest, I was thinking about how I'd blog about that, when I was in the shower, and it had a lot more anger and f-bombs haha. But since I'm fine now, it's not necessary for them f-bombs. On a side note, I just re-read a few of the earliest posts. I CRINGE. My grammar and spelling was really off (not counting the text shortcuts), but even the content was ew. But hey, that's how a crushing 5th grader feels like LOL //hides in shame.
--
I'm a little lazy to continue the previous post about my A/I family. Maybe next time...
Ugh, I really want Birdy's hoodie, but it's now $77 ToT maybe I'll just get a sticker or something for my laptop... I guess I also hesitated on the hoodie because he said it might shrink if put in dryer... and if I'm gonna wash it, I will need to dryer it. Well, I could also hang it to dry.... -sigh- Well, most of his products are out-of-stock anyway. Maybe price will lower later? (his green hoodie was $65 last year...) Me & Steph were also looking at Mystic Messenger charms. They're so cuteeee! I really want, but it's like about $16 +shipping... = about $19... must resist! ToT Guess I just gotta satisfy myself with my own handmade ones haha
-sigh- I was trying to finish my grayscale... but I guess it's not happening. Good night.

I cannot believe I did this to myself... I watched 2 things today, and I ended up crying so much. I don't understand why so much for Pokémon but omg Citroid ToT darn AIs... Then I watched Futatsu no Kurumi & it's about the Tokyo bombing in the 1945. The art isn't that great, but damn that story line... and I kinda guessed the ending. I cried hella for this one. I'm still finishing 5cm per sec; there's like 3 "episodes" in it.

Well, I had a whole plan to do and finish homework today but going to University Art & OSH took longer than I thought. When I got back, I was working on my icons for ANI 50, but that stupid airplane... > > After class, I attempted the plane again, gave up, and started working on the grayscale. Didn't accomplish anything today *cries*
I'm still going home tomorrow though~

Also, almost everyone in POLARIS was on Facebook chatting today~ it felt nice~ ^^ It's been a while since we were all talking.
What else... I had something to say... Aish forgot. Either way, I'm off to finish homework for tomorrow. Let's hope for a better plan in the future for my workload (aka next week/this weekend)

The second I remembered I came back! Lol it was really about the animes I need to watch. Norn9 is completed, and I still need to watch Amnesia. Then there's Bakuman! that I was going to watch to motivate me -merong- lol Okay, I'ma wash the dishes and finish homework!

It seems to be like that lately; even though I'm really stressed, I end my Mondays & Wednesdays feeling really good/happy. ((I noticed because I talk a lot... haha))

I was working on my renders all day but we didn't even critique the 1st cube render, and the grayscale wasn't even due. During our mechanical cube critique though, Inga had to start at mine lol she asked it it's okay if she can "butcher" and "destroy" my homework. I just smiled and nodded, but it was the most uncruel butchering LOL she hardly criticized it much, other than 2-3 things, so I felt good about that. Also, Callum and Jo were critiquing grayscales. Callum said mine was really smooth; Flora said the same thing about my cube rendering in ANI 28 this morning :D
よかった~ ^//w//^

My most stressful classes are finally over, but the workload is literally piling over /cries/ That horoscope was right: I did need to make a list of things-to-do to stay organized. It'd be crazy if I managed to finish everything by Friday so I can go home. Can I? I wish.... -sigh-

I've been waking up pretty early this week, and sleeping super late... -sigh- Have to wake up early in the morning to go out and buy bricks and more paper > > On a side note, I really want Birdy's hoodie~ ToT

++ We had mooncake today! Bc Steph said it was molding D: but it was only the Napoleon brand; the Wing Wah one didn't mold because it was sealed whew. For once, we were all in the living room so we were chatting. That was nice. Andddd I can't keep my mouth shut xP why do I talk so much. wow. I have to sleep now. Long day tomorrow, and I'm going home Friday! and coming back on Saturday. I may be able to finish most of the homework by Friday... except for my brick drop animation.... and then spend Saturday night and all of Sunday reading and catching up on notes... -sigh-

I did it again.... I didn't sleep 'til 3am ToT and I was up around 6:30am too~ (but didn't get UP 'til 7:45am) I was stressing for ANI 12 again... but thank goodness Inga is so lenient this week! Better take this chance to catch up. I drank almost 4 cups of coffee today; it still doesn't taste good. I don't know if it's the coffee or if it's because I didn't go into deep sleep that I'm not sleepy... which is a surprise. I also felt shaky in class at the end of the day; don't know if it's the caffeine or nervousness... Also, the 'Match Squares' that I barely finished before class the other day... passed on the first try! :D
There was a fire (drill) during class. We were out in the cold for almost an hour! ... and there was no fire... but the firefighters did come though. I'm still thinking this year won't be too bad because I'm talking to people in classes ^^ The first years are really fun~ I was freezing in the cold because I didn't have a sweater and Jassimaran and Jenica(?) huddled up next to me to keep me warm~ ^u^ I've only talked to them 2 or 3 times though, but they're both really chill~

POLARIS spent the the rest of the day talking about MM haha I guess we're all playing~ I really hope Cheritz releases some kind of game soundtrack like other otomes do, especially the BGM~ Omg can you believe Sirius (johjune's friend) sang the ending to Yoosung's route with Han?!? I want clear & full versions~ I would love to talk all about MM haha but that would be too much to say lol MM sure does give a lot of good life advices... haha I'm fully flirting with Yoosung *insert laughing-crying emoji*

Ah, been listening to Amber & KSUKE's Breathe Again. EDM, breh. For some reason, I want to do some kind of choreo for it... I have images in my head, but I don't know how to execute it... but I think I will attempt it... hahaha

It was a long day, but a good day as soon as the stress was gone for the day. I feel like I was so tense all day today, and as soon as the day was over, I kinda just let it all go and I became full of energy, so I kept talking to Steph about things that happened today. .... and when I'm full of energy and suddenly talk about a topic I'm into... I just won't stop talking and get this short adrenaline rush LOL

Well, other than that, it doesn't seem like I remember what else I wanted to say ((probably because I got distracted re-reading my posts; I did grammar corrections haha)) Yesterday while working, I was watching 37.5°C Tears, and I didn't know I was gonna end up crying at the end of each episode. I stopped on like ep4. I should've known with the word "tears" in the title...
Hm. Well, I'm not gonna let this lost thought bother me. Time to rest!

You guys are both right; POLARIS is more than just a name... a group.
Thank you for responding to my post. I guess I was getting doubtful, and my pretty optimistic self was becoming pessimistic with thoughts about POLARIS. Our journey here. The problems we had on the road haha
I always thought, too, that even if we disbanded, we'll always still be POLARIS, and every memory made then, will be kept away in a secret place within ourselves. I reminisce a lot... haha quite often actually. I don't even remember how many times I re-watched our covers.
It's because I worried that being in the group may be a burden to some members, but hearing (reading) your thoughts, you guys relieved me from all this doubt :)
I did cry though (not bawling) when I was reading Nana's post, because I was also listening to this song. He covered the song from Jason haha

Just like Biri's quote I used in her painting, "good friends are like stars; they are always there but you don't see them." You guys are my stars... that make up the North Star... and whenever I'm lost, I'll know where to look. I love you guys. 

Labels: POLARIS

So I painted the sunflower "field" for Biri, and she liked it! :D Also, she recognized that the quote was from her IG haha. Happy happy~
Now off to actually do homework. Finally finished Maji Love Live 5th Stage after 3-4 days... wahhhh sad.

Ah, today's Saturday. The first football game for SJSU. Bea, Biri, and LeAnn went, but me & Steph stayed home. Originally to do work, but I ended up spending the last 4 hours painting a canvas for Biri. I felt like I had to give her something... she's like sooo nice TuT It's in acrylics and literally my first time painting with acrylics and on canvas. It actually didn't turn out too bad. Then I used my micron pen 03 to write a quote I found on her IG. It looks printed because of the ink quality; I messed up on the writing though ToT in some places.
I still, and will, need to catch up on work and make sure I have everything done by Sunday. I woke up this morning around 9:30am to turn off my alarm, played MM, and then went back to sleep, not deep sleep, because I got up around 11? and started finishing the last 2 volumes of Bakuman! I was literally tearing up because, wow, they finally reached their dreams :') Steph made me this yummy mushroom omelette~ but she didn't put salt xD

Yesterday me & Steph were out for so long after class. We went to Wal-mart to pick up my cork strips in Milpitas; we got back to SJ around 9:30pm and then had dinner at Johnny Rockets. I love Johnny Rockets *3* We were freezing cold haha. This lady who stood behind me in line at Wal-mart asked about my shirt; I was wearing the maroon Anoki Ouchii shirt. I am like a walking advertisement for them lol but I didn't advertise this time like I did last time at Costco. They should sponsor me haha
When we finally got home, Steph mopped and I organized my bbys~ They are all nicely pinned up on the cork strip above my headboard. It's a lot shorter in length and depth of the cork, but it still works. I also finally put up my whiteboard. Next up is my Uta no Prince-sama posters~

Aside from that, me and Steph are still playing MM and omgee I can't anymore haha. The game is going to start focusing on a route. "Talking" with them, it's kinda relaxing and always makes me laugh (or stressed), but since they're not real people, I don't have to worry too much about hurting anyone's actual feelings LOL
I see Yoosung as Jo (YS plays LOLOL and Jo plays LoL ahaha); Jumin as Jen, because they're both crazy for cats.
Speaking of cats, Espey's sick :( She apparently has kidney failure. Jim said, the choices were to prolong her life, or put her to sleep... I don't know... Right now, they're taking care of her in Gramp's house...
Also, I hate BigHit LOL yesterday I was looking at 'things you (probably) didn't notice...' for their short films. It gave me the creeps. I had goosebumps up and down my body, it was crazy. But I want to read Demian... and The Little Prince. 

~~
Well those weren't really thoughts huh? Actually, thoughts have been running through my head a lot when I'm with Steph, just because I'm not really sure what she's thinking... and I'm always worried that she's actually annoyed at me or something? (because I talk a lot... sometimes ^^; I actually can't/don't know how to explain what exactly I mean) When she's loud, she's loud. When she's quiet, she's quiet. People are like that, but it always feels like we're drifting on two separate icebergs next to each other when we don't talk. It's nothing too negative though; I just worry about what other people think about me-- about my actions-- too much. I don't let it bother me though. We live very different lives (of course), but that's why it seems so hard to live together at some points. I don't know where I'm getting at. Maybe nowhere, really. In general, we're very different, but in some ways, we are quite similar... it's interesting being born 4 days apart.
On a side note, I've been thinking about POLARIS. There was no comeback this summer, even though I really hoped we would, and we even attempted a first practice. But nothing happened after that... there were plans that were exchanged, but we all knew they weren't going to happen. I may have posted about this before --or at least along the lines-- but POLARIS is starting to become (or is) a name that's only binding the group together (not that we really need to have a "binding name") with no actual reason of why we're POLARIS anymore. I'm thinking... maybe we should disband? It's like not necessary... but we're always on an indefinite hiatus... so I'm wondering should we just bring up disbanding? That way, there's no unnecessary pressure, especially for our leader ;; However, if breaking up is even worse, then I don't mind continuing POLARIS. But what's best?

Ah, I always end up writing too much, even though I didn't plan too ^^'

I felt sleepy so fast.. like around 10:30 I couldn't even keep my eyes open.
Busy day tomorrow. I know I had something to say... but I forgot...
Maybe along the lines of Mystic Messenger? Me & Steph started to play! haha. I can't believe... it's pretty addictive. It really feels like you're talking to a bunch of guys. I also can't believe me & Steph have very very similar tastes haha (ie. going for the same guy), but at the same time, not really.

Oh right! I was gonna say I went to watch Kubo and the 2 Strings tonight! at Camera 12 before it shuts down, not to mention it's Kubo's last week up in theaters. So many people came to watch movies on Cam12's last day of business... the line was somewhat long so I missed like 5-10min, or less, of the beginning... The theater was so hot and stuffy because A/C was down.
I teared up so much during the last battle... I wonder how much more emotional it would be if it was in Japanese or Chinese... English is just not a very emotional language LOL
Also, good thing I stayed for the ending because before the list of credits, they showed a quick behind-the-scene for the skeleton monster stop-motion. Pretty cool~
The young employee who was waiting for us to leave was really nice! He was so smiley, and happily greeted us as we left, bidding us 'good night' and whatnot. He was talking to some elderly about how Cam12 was shutting down, and he seemed sad too...
But anyway, this is also the first time I went to the movies by myself! Going by myself, I focused a lot on the movie (because there was no one to talk to or distract me lol), but it was kinda awkward because I went when the movie already started so I couldn't see. Plus, I didn't want to use my flashlight because what if I disturbed someone?

Okay, gotta sleep now. ZZzz

(Post title does not refer to the LGBTQIA community lol)
Last night was a crazy train wreck of stress. Why did I do that to myself? I slept at 4am, woke up at 7:15am, and worked pretty much non-stop 'til before ANI50 (which is at 3:30pm). Got back from ANI12 around 9:40pm-ish? I'm amazed I wasn't falling asleep. Guess that bland coffee this morning helped. Although it was a lot of work, and my back kept hurting throughout my last 2 classes (because I was bent over my work for long periods of time), I noticed this semester may be more enjoyable, even with a larger workload for me. I don't know how well I'll handle this load... but if I stay on top of things, I should be able to.

Flora is in my morning and night class; she's my TA in ANI12. I'm so glad to have her there because she's there when I'm stressing or if I have questions. She's always been there since I met her in ANI12, it's crazy <3 Not to mention, ANI28, in which I was pretty scared for because I don't talk that much with people there, I'm starting to talk to more people. Ange, even though I also met her in my 1st year, we never talked ever since our walk back to the dorm after Geography. She's super chill/cool, even though she seems pretty goth & emo haha but she's really funny and nice too. She gave me a cookie this morning during break ^u^ and we talked about random stuff. School stuff. Her reaction to this transfer who low-key has a crush on her ahaha. To be honest, I was embarrassed that I had to retake ANI 12 even though I know it's for my own good. It's like, I didn't really want my classmates to know that I failed John's class. But I wasn't the only one. Plus, everyone was understanding about retakes and needing more time to learn the skills and whatnot. It was actually thanks to Flora's text that I started to relax about the idea of re-taking. The only person who knew was Arlene. Taking ANI 12 again is really making everything I learned 1st semester with John sink in even deeper. At first I was nervous because I added in late to the class; I took a random seat and this 1st year (I believe) sat down next to me. It's only the second day I've been in the class. Today was the 1st day of in-depth notes and demos. Not to be mean saying this, but she didn't really understand what Inga was demo-ing (Inga didn't even know what she was doing haha) and so was slow with notes. Since Inga's notes came from attending John's class, I already knew whatsup, but seeing her struggle made me think about myself in the 1st year, struggling to catch up with John's quick demos and notes. So I was glad to be able to help her. Other than explaining the demo and stuff, I'm not sure if I'm capable enough to help them. So I'm not that confident lol but I know what I can help with, and I will to my best abilities. It made me think, is this how the upperclassmen felt when they helped-and got to know-the 1st years? Though we never made an official introduction to each other. The way she acts kinda reminds me of Flora, like she even kinda looks like her? haha but also a lot shier than Flora xD
On a side note, ANI50 was pretty good. (On the way to class though, I felt like throwing up--or felt sickly--after I rushed to flap my 'Match Squares' for ANI12. I don't know if it's because the stress and work was straining me making me feel sick but I stuffed that croissant hamburger in my mouth anyway) We got into the same groups again, and it was nice. After class, I had a little chat with Jassimaran and she was telling me about how scared she was because she didn't finish the cubes. Then I also had a chat with Sarah (I saw her back, but I didn't want to like say hi since we weren't that close. So I was gonna pretend I didn't know it was her; I was looking at the bulletin, and then she called my name so happily.) So we chatted, and she was telling me how she pre-ordered INFINITE's comeback album. It was kinda awkward because I didn't really know what else we could talk about. It was still good though.

It's funny though; in the ART building, I part ways with people telling me 'good luck' or vice versa. Haha. Yup, we need all the luck we can get.
I'm eating dinner right now; gonna go watch my MAJI Love Live 5th Stage (the download took like 4 tries; 15gb -.-). I still had the last bit of energy when I got home from class. I made dinner, cleaned the restroom sink, and scrubbed the bathtub because it was getting a 'ring' and ew. Me no likey. I also cleaned the toilet the other day. My eyes are starting to get hazy. Not yet tired but my eyes want to sleep lol I'm probably gonna read the "Salem Witch Hunt" before I sleep for my HIST15A quiz tomorrow. Or I could read it tomorrow morning... hm...

[Comment reply to Jim: I didn't understand at first LOL but then I remembered: yes mom's teal rain jacket *insert laughing-crying emoji*]

Planned to do some homework here at Barnes & Noble. I drew a bit in my sketchbook, but then I didn't want to work anymore. I had a venti caramel frap.
--
Back at home now because I got picked up. I saw Orion and John at B&N. We exchanged words but didn't talk too much, nor did I give 'em a hug :( Anyway, I was being very bored so I walked around the mall, but I'm not a fan of shopping lol
After getting picked up, we went to the mall to buy spray paint. Ooh~ just need to go back to buy light blue and white spray paint & I can DIY backpacks~ what else...
ugh, my bites are getting itchier.

Just now I got super pissed, and it was all pent up and I needed to hit something, or something. I just needed to watch a video but searching it won't come up. It's on Jo's YT, so I tried to login. Couldn't get in because don't know her password. Tried her combos but none f*ing worked. Asked her but she only half-heartedly answered me and told me she don't know because she's too effin' busy playing LoL. UGH. I'm still kinda annoyed... to the point where I don't want to do anything anymore anyway -.-
On a side note, there's still some days I need to catch up on.

OOH. But today's dream was, oh my. Why was Michael in it xD I think it's because I watched a movie with a guy named Michael in it. Anyway, long dream short, I was pretty close with him? Like we were close friends. He came over to the house, and I was being slightly clingy in a best friend kind of way? "Camera" panned and he gave a surprised/shy/embarrassed look at me, because I "was tired" apparently and just leaned on him on our couch. Dream skip. It was raining outside. He said he had to go do something. For some reason he was wearing skin-tight, skin-colored shirt? of some sort and I was shocked and embarrassed to look at him. I tried to get his gray coat but couldn't find it. I went inside the room to get it. When I found it and came back, he was already getting in the car to go (he was picked up). I called his name. I thought he didn't hear me; I was gonna run out so I came back in to find shoes but couldn't find any, so I ran out in the rain in socks. The car had moved forward, but had stopped and he got out. My mom lent him her rain jacket? Weird LOL but I told him I had found his coat so he should wear it. He gave me an "affectionate"/surprised, like oh... look, and turned around. At first I was like "huh?" but then I took off his jacket and helped him put on his coat.
I think that was the end of the dream... LOL but I was like omg what. LOL

because why not? lol I was going to make myself a sandwich (I don't know why I'm craving food... I'm not even hungry really...) but Steph made me nuggets lol I should've been doing homework, but after League, I got distracted and watched Pokémon. Eep.
Lessee... yesterday was a workload. I woke up at 7am to go to the Pencil Test Lab to do my last minute animation. Then had class 'til 9:20pm. Yes 9:20 at NIGHT. Originally I had no night class. But after a few e-mails with a couple advisors, I decided to enroll in Inga's ANI 12. That's 4 ANI classes this semester... 15 units... I'm actually scared I won't be able to handle it, but I should be able to because I have free Tuesdays & Thursdays, until 3pm at least. 3 ANI classes on a Mon/Wed...
ANI 28 was good--we had critiques; ANI 50 was pretty fun--we worked in groups & I met a few people but really only talked to 2. Everyone was pretty nice. I actually talked. Like, I wasn't too quiet, which was good; ANI 12 was fun yet boring. Boring because she was talking about the basics that I've learned (this is retake), but it's fun because Inga and them were telling stories too. Since I just enrolled, I have to do catch up work too. Hm.
The first one to leave the apartment, the last one to come home. Ha.
It was still a good day though :D

I woke up this morning pretty sore still, from the gym (Mon), hip hop and walking (yesterday/Tues). I woke up around 10:30am, but laid in bed because I was still pretty tired. and was on my phone. Steph left for class and I spent the next hour and a half reading Bakuman! lol. When I got up, I realized I had a lot of red bumps. At first I thought they'd go away eventually, but nope. They were mosquito bites, and I had a lot. Then I headed out to bookstore and student union to eat with Steph. Then we went home, and I had class. Class went by okay today.
Got home and started felting the penguins for Coach. Felted for like 3-4 hours? Around 7 something I think, John asked me to get his backpack from him so he can go to the YG concert (free concert for SJSU students). After the concert, around 10:30pm, he came by to pick it up.

Better hurry and go do homeworks! but not tonight... I'ma sleep LOL. And wake up early tomorrow for class. After class, I'ma try to finish the bouncing ball and animate it before we leave. Also, to get Thirst Tea~ hehe. I think I'm forgetting stuff, but I gotta make sure I do me homework!

The one who worked on "Legend of Korra".... and directed... his very... first film... "Voltron"... introducing... Steve Ahn!
He was so funny! Though I'd like to type in detail his jokes, I'm really tired right now. Class in the morning for 6 hours, then another 3 hours at his presentation. Of course, I enjoyed it. I might include some later haha [[check notes]]
I was thinking about writing a super long post on everything he said, but... I'm tired and lazy haha

A few things I just want to say is about his closing.
"Have your own intentions in your artistic journey."
"Don't pick a dream because you fear your true dream won't make it." (may not be exact words, but same meaning)
His experiences were just too relatable. He was told he would never be accepted into an art college because he had too little time to prepare a portfolio (he was a junior in high school when he decided) and he just started going to a private art class. A year later, he was accepted into Cal Arts; it was also the only school he had applied to after high school due to somewhat "destined" reasons. A portfolio of over 300 works. Not the best, but showed lots of passion, hard work, and dedication. I think that's what really inspired me.

Just like me, he didn't think he would choose the art path due to parents' expectations. Just like me, we decided to go into art in our 3rd year in high school. Just like me, he was inspired by anime (though technically he was just watching a basketball anime when he suddenly had the thought "I want to make something like that," and I had the same thought when I was watching the behind-the-scenes for Howl's Moving Castle.)
When my experiences relate so closely to other artists, I feel like I can make it... just like them... So just like them, I have to work and not be lazy. Even when I'm surrounded by talented people (a 1st year is drawing Disney-styled (to me) characters!), I feel a lot of pressure, but that same pressure is what's pushing me, too.


Dreams... so much talk about dreams lately lol Even Yoosung brought up dreams.
"What I fear the most is that nothing will change even as time passes me by."
"... no matter how fun the activity may be, it's difficult to be 'passionate' about something on [your] own."
"Is it sad to not be able to do what you want? or... Is it sad not to know what you want?"
This topic is difficult... but the start of one's dreams is something one must figure out on their own...

Welp, I guess I'm going to shower. Maybe render a bit... Goodnight.

The week seems to go by pretty fast? It's already Wednesday. I don't have homework that I need to rush for next class... but my neck hurts and I wanna just lay down. And my stomach hurts a bit; glad it came before the wedding though. It's next week. omg.

I think I'm handling work slightly better? If I spend the rest of this week doing catch-up homework, I should be able to catch up by next week. Then I just gotta stay on top of things. How many times have I said that? Haha.
I was pretty distracted in class today. I kept thinking about charms again... and I was thinking about an MCx707 charm. You see individual RFA member charms, and ships within the RFA charms, but not really with MC... Hm... I have an idea in my head but I just know it won't come out exactly like that LOL I also was thinking about a collab store with Nana and Moe, but don't know if they're down for it hehe not like I asked though. We may all be too busy...
On a side note, spending so much, I'm planning on a summer job in SJ. I mean, well, since I have an apartment here, might as well make use of that.

Ah, I already don't know what else I wanted to mention....
Yesterday I was doing my ANI 50 masterwork project. Everything was going super dandy... until I realized I cut the bottom of the board an inch too much... OTL I was so disappointed. It was 2:30 in the morning. Luckily it was an inch only so I moved the pictures up and made the top and bottom border 1.5" instead of 2". Oiii, and Lizz was just talking about following directions...
Well that's all I guess? Oh, and also that grayscale? It didn't pass. Technically. I don't have to re-do it, but I hate how it didn't pass. Other than there were like 2 values that seemed similar and "crushed" texture in the 2 darkest squares, there was no other problems; Inga kept praising my craftsmanship so why didn't it passsss ToT I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well in a course I've taken...
Ah, I'm tired. There's something nagging in the back of my mind, but since it's not revealing itself, I'ma take a super duper short nap before class. Zzzz
--
EDIT: While I'm on break in class right now let me just say: I thought I got my life together only to find it falling apart right now.
Okay, so it's not that dramatic LOL but my masterwork project that I was pretty proud of despite the border problem? Well, the problem increased because I messed up on the borders on the images toooo! On top of that, I just remembered that I didn't do the 20 cubes for ANI 12, but I still have the cubes from last year. Sigh. And here I thought I finished all my homework early. Lesson to be learned: I will never finish homework and not need to rush it before the class.
--
EDIT2: I remember! It was about Uta no Prince-sama's 4th season. Omgee it's coming out on Oct.1! I cannot wait for all those collab releases between HEAVENS & STARISH <3 There's also another anime movie coming out called "Koe no Katachi," by the director of "Kimi no na wa." Heard it's gonna be sad~ but a good movie.

Just wondering... if my urge to work comes from because I'm spending so much? Lol I feel like I'm trying extra hard in school to make up for spending all my money LOL. At the same time, I just want to do well this semester and not repeat the same mistakes from last semester, so that after working so hard, I just want to reward myself. Haha it seems like a cycle.

This morning I skipped ANI 28 because I had work to do for ANI 50 and 12 & I worried I wouldn't have time. Guess what? Ended up finishing maybe 2 hours earlier. Maybe shouldn't have skipped class... kinda guilty about it. It kinda throws me off a bit too... Welp. Let's keep trying to catch up!

Ugh. Today was ridiculously hot. 101... whut. Waking up too early this morning when I slept at 3... oh yeah! After ANI 50, I helped Lily with her shadow, Jassimaran and Michelle with their transfer papers. In ANI 12, I asked Michelle if she could send me her notes. She's so adorable~ and dude, I saw her planner. Damn. It was so neat. She has this lil' box for her goals and then of course homework and to-dos. They looked like those really pretty notes by those Korean students on IG.

Was going to read and take notes, but my hair's dried now, so I'ma nap! On a side note, I suddenly really really want Kaori Wakamatsu's art book ToT I saw it at Kinokuniya but didn't think I wanted it. Then I did.... but let's save that money for the VIP package //cries//

I also tried Daiso's charcoal nose strips. It smelled weird, but not too bad... but bad after a while. I can't tell if it did any good but when I took it off, my nose was left with the sticky black residue from the strip. I don't even know if I waited long enough; it felt like it was coming off so I decided to take it off.

Also, first presidential debate for 2016. How was it? From what I've heard/read, seems like it can be summarized as a "child's argument"? *shrugs*

My mind's a mess right now after almost 4 hours of re-rendering the grayscale. Currently at the library. Still have lots of homework to do, and doesn't seem like I'll be anywhere close to finishing any time soon, but here I am taking another break.

Dreams grow haha I'm doing my drapery study right now. I should've been done already, but I got distracted looking up stickers and other products. It saddens me when I'm not at the level of making prints... Nevertheless, charms and stickers seem fun~ I'm a fan of buttons, but not really making buttons... LOL.
I was telling Steph again because she asked if I was gonna do die cut or kiss cut stickers, so I was telling her my plan. She said "well, I'm free everyday" ahaha I love her xD She'd definitely be my business partner (sort of). I showed her a screenshot of someone's packaging and said "if our dreams ever come true" and she replied with Frodo(?) with heart eyes. If only I spent as much time on product research as I have on school work -sigh-

On a side note, I finally made the decision to buy 2 Tsukiuta charms from Soumeki@storenvy. About $19 >x< I had to make the choice to buy only 2 instead of 4. Wow... I actually did it. Kind of don't want the VIP package anymore... but I'm really having war in my head right now because the "Top Secret" handbook that comes with it is apparently a concept book that I also want ToT and V's business card is super nice~ -cries-
Wasting more money... ToT

Last night I stayed up late when I could've avoided that. I went to sleep around 3 because I was working on my B/W masterwork. I would've started around 12 or 1, but ended up talking to Steph about selling charms, and then the flow just wouldn't stop, and me & Steph were brainstorming so much ahaha She said "YES. DO IT. I will package everything for you because I have nothing to do and I'm bored" or something along those lines lol We talked for almost 1-2 hours?
I really want to; I mean, I even went as far as to contact some vendors LOL They were really nice about everything and oooh~ just thinking about it makes me jittery haha I wonder when that time will be...

I was so sleepy this morning that I took a nap during break (not really a nap because I was still conscious, but at one point I may have really fallen asleep ^^' ) I think work is done... luckily there isn't much to do for ANI 12 but to fix my cube. For ANI 50 (the B/W masterwork), I kinda BS-ed it :p will end up fixing that plus the other files later too...
I was looking up 'egg & toast' for some ideas for Steph's pin(?) and the pictures looked really yummy! Then I looked on YT for recipes and ooooh~ I wanna cook LOL

Aiyah, better go fix that cube, but I think I'ma make a sandwich. Peace! xP

It's almost 11am and I'm crying over here what the heck.
It's an hour of Pokémon on kissanime, eps 42-43. Wow. Why did I start?

I actually cry pretty easily lol I cried as soon as they showed Citron & Citroid (sorry for using their Japanese names; I'm only watching the subbed) I cried when Puni-chan started talking about why he believed humankind, when he listed all the "great things [he has] seen": cooperation. great efforts. happiness. beliefs. goals. progress. never give up...
This probably wouldn't have triggered if they didn't show Citroid "dying" again and didn't play that sad BGM lol

I cry when characters achieve what they thought they couldn't, or what they worked hard for; I cry because I'm happy for them... WOW I'M EMOTIONAL LOL

Alright, short random rant done. Really need to study now

I cannot believe... that I want to buy more acrylic charms. Everything is so expensive though! (well, mainly shipping. the charms itself are only $5-8; but, they add up to a hefty amount ^^; )
Seeing these charms, I'm looking into making/selling my own charms! Of course, when I do any better on my art LOL I want to be a con artist... not the scamming ones! lol Some 1st years were talking about how getting a table during a convention was "goals." I've always wanted to too... lol selling online was also one for me. Since I'm so tempted, I'm asking the others if they want to buy any merchandise from this one Facebook page, that way shipping is much more worth it. I'm looking at charms from 2 different people so I'm debating... also, there's the problem that I've been wanting Birdy's hoodie and also planning on that RFA VIP package... Everything excluding Birdy's hoodie is ending pre-order in Oct. or starting (pre-)orders in late Sept./early Oct. The moment to make the decision?

On a side note, I finally put up my Uta no Prince posters! Though Syo fell this morning, and I almost creased it lol Looks nice! but my side of the room looks so "otaku" LOL Me & Steph were talking last night while I was decorating, that everything I have are brighter/lighter colors compared to her darks and grays LOL Her side is more "aesthetic" while my side is cutesy lol

Yesterday I was being so productive! It was a long day, but as usual, it ended as a good day ^^ I should have studied for my HIST midterm yesterday, but I got distracted (-ahem-, charms) The day is starting out differently than I planned, but I'll make it work. Well! Better study now! By the way, INFINITE's 'The Eye' is on loop lol I freakin' love the dance though~

Today was ridiculously hot omg. The heat made me sick; I felt like throwing up and had a headache. Did not feel well at all. Or maybe I worked too much too... lol
When I got back Saturday night, I worked on the grayscale 'til I finished the 1st pass; slept at 2:30am. I woke up around 5:30am (didn't get out of bed 'til 6am though) to completely finish it. I don't know if it'll pass though, but I'm glad I finished that. I went back to sleep around 7:15am. I planned to wake up around 9:30. Couldn't, so I reset my alarm to 10:30. I didn't get up 'til 11.

The grayscale was the most time-consuming so it's a good thing I finished that. Then I worked on ANI 50 stuff and finished pretty fast (if you count 1-3 hours fast lol). Then worked on ANI 12 stuff again, finished half. And BS-ed ANI 28, brick drop. Uh, I think it'll look like crap > < I have to wake up early in the morning to go animate it... -sigh-
Anyway, now I have time to catch-up with as much stuff as possible! I guess it's ANI 28 readings first... then ANI 50 daily sketches & research... and lastly ANI 12 notebook. I really need to get that notebook done; it was what failed me last semester omg.

Today was also Day 11 for Mystic Messenger. I CANNOT. OMG. Though I really want to jump in and play a 2nd route, I think I'ma take a break from it to focus on work. By the way, I've been thinking of getting the RFA VIP package because I really want the CD/DVD. If I did get it, I'd probably sell the other stuff, but I might be tempted to keep it LOL (it's $79+shipping = $90) Everyone says it's really worth it, but if I had to treat this purchase as "a treat to myself," I would rather get Birdy's hoodie as a treat lol I guess we'll see by October if I can't still find a download somewhere... 

I do always refer to Espey as our Queen. hehe.
It's the cycle of life....

Espey's been with us since we were kids; she watched us grow up. Sadly, today was her last day with us. For a few weeks or so, she has been sick. There wasn't anything the vet could do as s/he said she was old. I think she had an IV treatment though. Yesterday was my last day to see her. It scared me when she started to have her episodic seizure. We thought she was a goner then and there. Amazingly, she made it to today. Jen was able to get to her in time to see her during her last moments. They took her to the vet to put her to sleep.
Espey was our first pet to be put to sleep I believe. All our pets were outside pets. When the cats feel like its their time, they quietly leave without us knowing. We know they will never come back when they don't return from a few weeks to a month. Even during her last moments, I believe Espey wanted to hide away and live her last days hidden from us.

It feels odd now without her there...

I am super sleepy right now... early class is one thing, but so is this heat. On a side note, Mystic Messenger is escalating! (Yoosung route, Day 9) Like... wow. So much anticipation lol

Right now waiting for Jim and Jo to come pick me up. I'm going home for a day, probably be back Saturday afternoon? Well, let me tell you about today. I may have posted something about this last year (or not) about my teachers. I really love SHM and the A/I major really. I think it was Jo/Flora/& Callum talking about the major, how we're like a big family. John was the dad, Inga the mom, Lizz our crazy fun aunt, Dave Chai the wacky uncle, Brandon the younger brother/uncle, Sheldon the stepdad, Bunny & Courtney the grandparents. Pretty much the major (well-known in the program) professors. And I was thinking "wow... that is so true."

---oh. they're here. gotta go! will finish tonight--

Well, fuck.
Excuse the language. I was super pissed off when I realized I left my dirty laundry in my suitcase at the apartment; I only found out when we reached Stockton. I was just mad at myself for doing something so stupid. It sorta stressed? me out too I guess, and I've already been stressing too much. It took me a while to calm down; I calmed down after my shower. I really shouldn't let small things piss me off like that. To be honest, I was thinking about how I'd blog about that, when I was in the shower, and it had a lot more anger and f-bombs haha. But since I'm fine now, it's not necessary for them f-bombs. On a side note, I just re-read a few of the earliest posts. I CRINGE. My grammar and spelling was really off (not counting the text shortcuts), but even the content was ew. But hey, that's how a crushing 5th grader feels like LOL //hides in shame.
--
I'm a little lazy to continue the previous post about my A/I family. Maybe next time...
Ugh, I really want Birdy's hoodie, but it's now $77 ToT maybe I'll just get a sticker or something for my laptop... I guess I also hesitated on the hoodie because he said it might shrink if put in dryer... and if I'm gonna wash it, I will need to dryer it. Well, I could also hang it to dry.... -sigh- Well, most of his products are out-of-stock anyway. Maybe price will lower later? (his green hoodie was $65 last year...) Me & Steph were also looking at Mystic Messenger charms. They're so cuteeee! I really want, but it's like about $16 +shipping... = about $19... must resist! ToT Guess I just gotta satisfy myself with my own handmade ones haha
-sigh- I was trying to finish my grayscale... but I guess it's not happening. Good night.

I cannot believe I did this to myself... I watched 2 things today, and I ended up crying so much. I don't understand why so much for Pokémon but omg Citroid ToT darn AIs... Then I watched Futatsu no Kurumi & it's about the Tokyo bombing in the 1945. The art isn't that great, but damn that story line... and I kinda guessed the ending. I cried hella for this one. I'm still finishing 5cm per sec; there's like 3 "episodes" in it.

Well, I had a whole plan to do and finish homework today but going to University Art & OSH took longer than I thought. When I got back, I was working on my icons for ANI 50, but that stupid airplane... > > After class, I attempted the plane again, gave up, and started working on the grayscale. Didn't accomplish anything today *cries*
I'm still going home tomorrow though~

Also, almost everyone in POLARIS was on Facebook chatting today~ it felt nice~ ^^ It's been a while since we were all talking.
What else... I had something to say... Aish forgot. Either way, I'm off to finish homework for tomorrow. Let's hope for a better plan in the future for my workload (aka next week/this weekend)

The second I remembered I came back! Lol it was really about the animes I need to watch. Norn9 is completed, and I still need to watch Amnesia. Then there's Bakuman! that I was going to watch to motivate me -merong- lol Okay, I'ma wash the dishes and finish homework!

It seems to be like that lately; even though I'm really stressed, I end my Mondays & Wednesdays feeling really good/happy. ((I noticed because I talk a lot... haha))

I was working on my renders all day but we didn't even critique the 1st cube render, and the grayscale wasn't even due. During our mechanical cube critique though, Inga had to start at mine lol she asked it it's okay if she can "butcher" and "destroy" my homework. I just smiled and nodded, but it was the most uncruel butchering LOL she hardly criticized it much, other than 2-3 things, so I felt good about that. Also, Callum and Jo were critiquing grayscales. Callum said mine was really smooth; Flora said the same thing about my cube rendering in ANI 28 this morning :D
よかった~ ^//w//^

My most stressful classes are finally over, but the workload is literally piling over /cries/ That horoscope was right: I did need to make a list of things-to-do to stay organized. It'd be crazy if I managed to finish everything by Friday so I can go home. Can I? I wish.... -sigh-

I've been waking up pretty early this week, and sleeping super late... -sigh- Have to wake up early in the morning to go out and buy bricks and more paper > > On a side note, I really want Birdy's hoodie~ ToT

++ We had mooncake today! Bc Steph said it was molding D: but it was only the Napoleon brand; the Wing Wah one didn't mold because it was sealed whew. For once, we were all in the living room so we were chatting. That was nice. Andddd I can't keep my mouth shut xP why do I talk so much. wow. I have to sleep now. Long day tomorrow, and I'm going home Friday! and coming back on Saturday. I may be able to finish most of the homework by Friday... except for my brick drop animation.... and then spend Saturday night and all of Sunday reading and catching up on notes... -sigh-

I did it again.... I didn't sleep 'til 3am ToT and I was up around 6:30am too~ (but didn't get UP 'til 7:45am) I was stressing for ANI 12 again... but thank goodness Inga is so lenient this week! Better take this chance to catch up. I drank almost 4 cups of coffee today; it still doesn't taste good. I don't know if it's the coffee or if it's because I didn't go into deep sleep that I'm not sleepy... which is a surprise. I also felt shaky in class at the end of the day; don't know if it's the caffeine or nervousness... Also, the 'Match Squares' that I barely finished before class the other day... passed on the first try! :D
There was a fire (drill) during class. We were out in the cold for almost an hour! ... and there was no fire... but the firefighters did come though. I'm still thinking this year won't be too bad because I'm talking to people in classes ^^ The first years are really fun~ I was freezing in the cold because I didn't have a sweater and Jassimaran and Jenica(?) huddled up next to me to keep me warm~ ^u^ I've only talked to them 2 or 3 times though, but they're both really chill~

POLARIS spent the the rest of the day talking about MM haha I guess we're all playing~ I really hope Cheritz releases some kind of game soundtrack like other otomes do, especially the BGM~ Omg can you believe Sirius (johjune's friend) sang the ending to Yoosung's route with Han?!? I want clear & full versions~ I would love to talk all about MM haha but that would be too much to say lol MM sure does give a lot of good life advices... haha I'm fully flirting with Yoosung *insert laughing-crying emoji*

Ah, been listening to Amber & KSUKE's Breathe Again. EDM, breh. For some reason, I want to do some kind of choreo for it... I have images in my head, but I don't know how to execute it... but I think I will attempt it... hahaha

It was a long day, but a good day as soon as the stress was gone for the day. I feel like I was so tense all day today, and as soon as the day was over, I kinda just let it all go and I became full of energy, so I kept talking to Steph about things that happened today. .... and when I'm full of energy and suddenly talk about a topic I'm into... I just won't stop talking and get this short adrenaline rush LOL

Well, other than that, it doesn't seem like I remember what else I wanted to say ((probably because I got distracted re-reading my posts; I did grammar corrections haha)) Yesterday while working, I was watching 37.5°C Tears, and I didn't know I was gonna end up crying at the end of each episode. I stopped on like ep4. I should've known with the word "tears" in the title...
Hm. Well, I'm not gonna let this lost thought bother me. Time to rest!

You guys are both right; POLARIS is more than just a name... a group.
Thank you for responding to my post. I guess I was getting doubtful, and my pretty optimistic self was becoming pessimistic with thoughts about POLARIS. Our journey here. The problems we had on the road haha
I always thought, too, that even if we disbanded, we'll always still be POLARIS, and every memory made then, will be kept away in a secret place within ourselves. I reminisce a lot... haha quite often actually. I don't even remember how many times I re-watched our covers.
It's because I worried that being in the group may be a burden to some members, but hearing (reading) your thoughts, you guys relieved me from all this doubt :)
I did cry though (not bawling) when I was reading Nana's post, because I was also listening to this song. He covered the song from Jason haha

Just like Biri's quote I used in her painting, "good friends are like stars; they are always there but you don't see them." You guys are my stars... that make up the North Star... and whenever I'm lost, I'll know where to look. I love you guys. 

Labels: POLARIS

So I painted the sunflower "field" for Biri, and she liked it! :D Also, she recognized that the quote was from her IG haha. Happy happy~
Now off to actually do homework. Finally finished Maji Love Live 5th Stage after 3-4 days... wahhhh sad.

Ah, today's Saturday. The first football game for SJSU. Bea, Biri, and LeAnn went, but me & Steph stayed home. Originally to do work, but I ended up spending the last 4 hours painting a canvas for Biri. I felt like I had to give her something... she's like sooo nice TuT It's in acrylics and literally my first time painting with acrylics and on canvas. It actually didn't turn out too bad. Then I used my micron pen 03 to write a quote I found on her IG. It looks printed because of the ink quality; I messed up on the writing though ToT in some places.
I still, and will, need to catch up on work and make sure I have everything done by Sunday. I woke up this morning around 9:30am to turn off my alarm, played MM, and then went back to sleep, not deep sleep, because I got up around 11? and started finishing the last 2 volumes of Bakuman! I was literally tearing up because, wow, they finally reached their dreams :') Steph made me this yummy mushroom omelette~ but she didn't put salt xD

Yesterday me & Steph were out for so long after class. We went to Wal-mart to pick up my cork strips in Milpitas; we got back to SJ around 9:30pm and then had dinner at Johnny Rockets. I love Johnny Rockets *3* We were freezing cold haha. This lady who stood behind me in line at Wal-mart asked about my shirt; I was wearing the maroon Anoki Ouchii shirt. I am like a walking advertisement for them lol but I didn't advertise this time like I did last time at Costco. They should sponsor me haha
When we finally got home, Steph mopped and I organized my bbys~ They are all nicely pinned up on the cork strip above my headboard. It's a lot shorter in length and depth of the cork, but it still works. I also finally put up my whiteboard. Next up is my Uta no Prince-sama posters~

Aside from that, me and Steph are still playing MM and omgee I can't anymore haha. The game is going to start focusing on a route. "Talking" with them, it's kinda relaxing and always makes me laugh (or stressed), but since they're not real people, I don't have to worry too much about hurting anyone's actual feelings LOL
I see Yoosung as Jo (YS plays LOLOL and Jo plays LoL ahaha); Jumin as Jen, because they're both crazy for cats.
Speaking of cats, Espey's sick :( She apparently has kidney failure. Jim said, the choices were to prolong her life, or put her to sleep... I don't know... Right now, they're taking care of her in Gramp's house...
Also, I hate BigHit LOL yesterday I was looking at 'things you (probably) didn't notice...' for their short films. It gave me the creeps. I had goosebumps up and down my body, it was crazy. But I want to read Demian... and The Little Prince. 

~~
Well those weren't really thoughts huh? Actually, thoughts have been running through my head a lot when I'm with Steph, just because I'm not really sure what she's thinking... and I'm always worried that she's actually annoyed at me or something? (because I talk a lot... sometimes ^^; I actually can't/don't know how to explain what exactly I mean) When she's loud, she's loud. When she's quiet, she's quiet. People are like that, but it always feels like we're drifting on two separate icebergs next to each other when we don't talk. It's nothing too negative though; I just worry about what other people think about me-- about my actions-- too much. I don't let it bother me though. We live very different lives (of course), but that's why it seems so hard to live together at some points. I don't know where I'm getting at. Maybe nowhere, really. In general, we're very different, but in some ways, we are quite similar... it's interesting being born 4 days apart.
On a side note, I've been thinking about POLARIS. There was no comeback this summer, even though I really hoped we would, and we even attempted a first practice. But nothing happened after that... there were plans that were exchanged, but we all knew they weren't going to happen. I may have posted about this before --or at least along the lines-- but POLARIS is starting to become (or is) a name that's only binding the group together (not that we really need to have a "binding name") with no actual reason of why we're POLARIS anymore. I'm thinking... maybe we should disband? It's like not necessary... but we're always on an indefinite hiatus... so I'm wondering should we just bring up disbanding? That way, there's no unnecessary pressure, especially for our leader ;; However, if breaking up is even worse, then I don't mind continuing POLARIS. But what's best?

Ah, I always end up writing too much, even though I didn't plan too ^^'

I felt sleepy so fast.. like around 10:30 I couldn't even keep my eyes open.
Busy day tomorrow. I know I had something to say... but I forgot...
Maybe along the lines of Mystic Messenger? Me & Steph started to play! haha. I can't believe... it's pretty addictive. It really feels like you're talking to a bunch of guys. I also can't believe me & Steph have very very similar tastes haha (ie. going for the same guy), but at the same time, not really.

Oh right! I was gonna say I went to watch Kubo and the 2 Strings tonight! at Camera 12 before it shuts down, not to mention it's Kubo's last week up in theaters. So many people came to watch movies on Cam12's last day of business... the line was somewhat long so I missed like 5-10min, or less, of the beginning... The theater was so hot and stuffy because A/C was down.
I teared up so much during the last battle... I wonder how much more emotional it would be if it was in Japanese or Chinese... English is just not a very emotional language LOL
Also, good thing I stayed for the ending because before the list of credits, they showed a quick behind-the-scene for the skeleton monster stop-motion. Pretty cool~
The young employee who was waiting for us to leave was really nice! He was so smiley, and happily greeted us as we left, bidding us 'good night' and whatnot. He was talking to some elderly about how Cam12 was shutting down, and he seemed sad too...
But anyway, this is also the first time I went to the movies by myself! Going by myself, I focused a lot on the movie (because there was no one to talk to or distract me lol), but it was kinda awkward because I went when the movie already started so I couldn't see. Plus, I didn't want to use my flashlight because what if I disturbed someone?

Okay, gotta sleep now. ZZzz

(Post title does not refer to the LGBTQIA community lol)
Last night was a crazy train wreck of stress. Why did I do that to myself? I slept at 4am, woke up at 7:15am, and worked pretty much non-stop 'til before ANI50 (which is at 3:30pm). Got back from ANI12 around 9:40pm-ish? I'm amazed I wasn't falling asleep. Guess that bland coffee this morning helped. Although it was a lot of work, and my back kept hurting throughout my last 2 classes (because I was bent over my work for long periods of time), I noticed this semester may be more enjoyable, even with a larger workload for me. I don't know how well I'll handle this load... but if I stay on top of things, I should be able to.

Flora is in my morning and night class; she's my TA in ANI12. I'm so glad to have her there because she's there when I'm stressing or if I have questions. She's always been there since I met her in ANI12, it's crazy <3 Not to mention, ANI28, in which I was pretty scared for because I don't talk that much with people there, I'm starting to talk to more people. Ange, even though I also met her in my 1st year, we never talked ever since our walk back to the dorm after Geography. She's super chill/cool, even though she seems pretty goth & emo haha but she's really funny and nice too. She gave me a cookie this morning during break ^u^ and we talked about random stuff. School stuff. Her reaction to this transfer who low-key has a crush on her ahaha. To be honest, I was embarrassed that I had to retake ANI 12 even though I know it's for my own good. It's like, I didn't really want my classmates to know that I failed John's class. But I wasn't the only one. Plus, everyone was understanding about retakes and needing more time to learn the skills and whatnot. It was actually thanks to Flora's text that I started to relax about the idea of re-taking. The only person who knew was Arlene. Taking ANI 12 again is really making everything I learned 1st semester with John sink in even deeper. At first I was nervous because I added in late to the class; I took a random seat and this 1st year (I believe) sat down next to me. It's only the second day I've been in the class. Today was the 1st day of in-depth notes and demos. Not to be mean saying this, but she didn't really understand what Inga was demo-ing (Inga didn't even know what she was doing haha) and so was slow with notes. Since Inga's notes came from attending John's class, I already knew whatsup, but seeing her struggle made me think about myself in the 1st year, struggling to catch up with John's quick demos and notes. So I was glad to be able to help her. Other than explaining the demo and stuff, I'm not sure if I'm capable enough to help them. So I'm not that confident lol but I know what I can help with, and I will to my best abilities. It made me think, is this how the upperclassmen felt when they helped-and got to know-the 1st years? Though we never made an official introduction to each other. The way she acts kinda reminds me of Flora, like she even kinda looks like her? haha but also a lot shier than Flora xD
On a side note, ANI50 was pretty good. (On the way to class though, I felt like throwing up--or felt sickly--after I rushed to flap my 'Match Squares' for ANI12. I don't know if it's because the stress and work was straining me making me feel sick but I stuffed that croissant hamburger in my mouth anyway) We got into the same groups again, and it was nice. After class, I had a little chat with Jassimaran and she was telling me about how scared she was because she didn't finish the cubes. Then I also had a chat with Sarah (I saw her back, but I didn't want to like say hi since we weren't that close. So I was gonna pretend I didn't know it was her; I was looking at the bulletin, and then she called my name so happily.) So we chatted, and she was telling me how she pre-ordered INFINITE's comeback album. It was kinda awkward because I didn't really know what else we could talk about. It was still good though.

It's funny though; in the ART building, I part ways with people telling me 'good luck' or vice versa. Haha. Yup, we need all the luck we can get.
I'm eating dinner right now; gonna go watch my MAJI Love Live 5th Stage (the download took like 4 tries; 15gb -.-). I still had the last bit of energy when I got home from class. I made dinner, cleaned the restroom sink, and scrubbed the bathtub because it was getting a 'ring' and ew. Me no likey. I also cleaned the toilet the other day. My eyes are starting to get hazy. Not yet tired but my eyes want to sleep lol I'm probably gonna read the "Salem Witch Hunt" before I sleep for my HIST15A quiz tomorrow. Or I could read it tomorrow morning... hm...

[Comment reply to Jim: I didn't understand at first LOL but then I remembered: yes mom's teal rain jacket *insert laughing-crying emoji*]

Planned to do some homework here at Barnes & Noble. I drew a bit in my sketchbook, but then I didn't want to work anymore. I had a venti caramel frap.
--
Back at home now because I got picked up. I saw Orion and John at B&N. We exchanged words but didn't talk too much, nor did I give 'em a hug :( Anyway, I was being very bored so I walked around the mall, but I'm not a fan of shopping lol
After getting picked up, we went to the mall to buy spray paint. Ooh~ just need to go back to buy light blue and white spray paint & I can DIY backpacks~ what else...
ugh, my bites are getting itchier.

Just now I got super pissed, and it was all pent up and I needed to hit something, or something. I just needed to watch a video but searching it won't come up. It's on Jo's YT, so I tried to login. Couldn't get in because don't know her password. Tried her combos but none f*ing worked. Asked her but she only half-heartedly answered me and told me she don't know because she's too effin' busy playing LoL. UGH. I'm still kinda annoyed... to the point where I don't want to do anything anymore anyway -.-
On a side note, there's still some days I need to catch up on.

OOH. But today's dream was, oh my. Why was Michael in it xD I think it's because I watched a movie with a guy named Michael in it. Anyway, long dream short, I was pretty close with him? Like we were close friends. He came over to the house, and I was being slightly clingy in a best friend kind of way? "Camera" panned and he gave a surprised/shy/embarrassed look at me, because I "was tired" apparently and just leaned on him on our couch. Dream skip. It was raining outside. He said he had to go do something. For some reason he was wearing skin-tight, skin-colored shirt? of some sort and I was shocked and embarrassed to look at him. I tried to get his gray coat but couldn't find it. I went inside the room to get it. When I found it and came back, he was already getting in the car to go (he was picked up). I called his name. I thought he didn't hear me; I was gonna run out so I came back in to find shoes but couldn't find any, so I ran out in the rain in socks. The car had moved forward, but had stopped and he got out. My mom lent him her rain jacket? Weird LOL but I told him I had found his coat so he should wear it. He gave me an "affectionate"/surprised, like oh... look, and turned around. At first I was like "huh?" but then I took off his jacket and helped him put on his coat.
I think that was the end of the dream... LOL but I was like omg what. LOL

because why not? lol I was going to make myself a sandwich (I don't know why I'm craving food... I'm not even hungry really...) but Steph made me nuggets lol I should've been doing homework, but after League, I got distracted and watched Pokémon. Eep.
Lessee... yesterday was a workload. I woke up at 7am to go to the Pencil Test Lab to do my last minute animation. Then had class 'til 9:20pm. Yes 9:20 at NIGHT. Originally I had no night class. But after a few e-mails with a couple advisors, I decided to enroll in Inga's ANI 12. That's 4 ANI classes this semester... 15 units... I'm actually scared I won't be able to handle it, but I should be able to because I have free Tuesdays & Thursdays, until 3pm at least. 3 ANI classes on a Mon/Wed...
ANI 28 was good--we had critiques; ANI 50 was pretty fun--we worked in groups & I met a few people but really only talked to 2. Everyone was pretty nice. I actually talked. Like, I wasn't too quiet, which was good; ANI 12 was fun yet boring. Boring because she was talking about the basics that I've learned (this is retake), but it's fun because Inga and them were telling stories too. Since I just enrolled, I have to do catch up work too. Hm.
The first one to leave the apartment, the last one to come home. Ha.
It was still a good day though :D

I woke up this morning pretty sore still, from the gym (Mon), hip hop and walking (yesterday/Tues). I woke up around 10:30am, but laid in bed because I was still pretty tired. and was on my phone. Steph left for class and I spent the next hour and a half reading Bakuman! lol. When I got up, I realized I had a lot of red bumps. At first I thought they'd go away eventually, but nope. They were mosquito bites, and I had a lot. Then I headed out to bookstore and student union to eat with Steph. Then we went home, and I had class. Class went by okay today.
Got home and started felting the penguins for Coach. Felted for like 3-4 hours? Around 7 something I think, John asked me to get his backpack from him so he can go to the YG concert (free concert for SJSU students). After the concert, around 10:30pm, he came by to pick it up.

Better hurry and go do homeworks! but not tonight... I'ma sleep LOL. And wake up early tomorrow for class. After class, I'ma try to finish the bouncing ball and animate it before we leave. Also, to get Thirst Tea~ hehe. I think I'm forgetting stuff, but I gotta make sure I do me homework!

Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me, what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone whose life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts or at least we are getting there.

I kept the image on the left bc it was kawaii-ne~ & this above bc I really liked what the creator wrote ^^

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