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Hello there & welcome to my blog. Here you'll read tidbits about my daily life, some random thoughts, & maybe a rant here and there. I'm sure you'll learn something about me, if you don't know me of course. Down below are links to find me (personal accounts not posted). I hope you enjoyed your stay while listening to the songs I'm recently listening to. Come back & read again~ ^w^/

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Welp. This week just wasn't going so well right? Shoulda known from a bad Monday.

I wasn't able to finish & turn in homework on time.
I woke up late so I didn't go to class.

Now I'm just being a downer because I'm so guilty of things & just so stressed.
But at the same time, a part of me is saying, there's no need to be so hard on yourself. 
It's just one assignment. It's just some points off. The only thing that matters is the final product.

I had a reset on Tuesday, but that either didn't help and really just wasted my time.
What I learned: resets only work at the end of the week/on weekends (probably).

So yeah... this week I skipped all my classes at least once.
I don't feel like doing anything right now...
at the same time I don't have time to cry.

Actually, I was on the verge of crying since yesterday. I guess I was at my limit this week. On top of all that stress, I can't help missing him either. So me being emotionally weak, can't help but cry right now.

Well, this Monday wasn't starting out too great... I mean, it wasn't that bad either.

I just missed my massage chair appointment that I was looking forward to; I thought it was at 12:30 but then I realized it was at 11:30 instead and THEN I realized I forgot class was at 12. So I went to class 30 minutes late and developed the 1 roll of film of portraits of Bea. (We had a super fun amazing photoshoot though. Bea was super helpful because she posed on her own. There were a few times I posed because I wanted something specific. I felt like a professional photographer! LOL I thought it would be hard for me to direct, but when you got into it, you're into it keke)

My "midterm" is due tomorrow. "Midterm" because it's really just the finalized versions of a lot of parts of the film. This was what I was mainly stressed about because I was worried I won't finish. I still don't think I will finish unless I pull an all-nighter, but I'm trying to stress less. I wrote out what I needed to do for tomorrow, and it doesn't look too much, surprisingly.

It just felt really stressed since this morning, but I think my day turned better, I guess.
Also, I don't know how we got to the topic, but Robin & I had a "talk." It wasn't really a big deal? but I ended up regretting most of what I said.

I really don't think before I speak, huh?
Or more like, I can't explain myself well enough.

And I get easily emotional when talking to him. I try to not let him know though, but he tends to notice anyway. And when he does notice, it's harder to hold it in.
ANYWHO, I worked too much the past weekend. I seemed to hardly have had any rest... I guess waking up extra early counters that though.
Ok, back to work.

Today I had my individual critique with Dan, my PHOT 110 (B/W film photo class) instructor, and I was super nervous about it. It was pretty good though! He really liked my concept and said that, the most difficult part of this project was the concept part; to really be able to convey the place in its mood, smells, etc. Though he did say we gotta work on my technique because the photos were too soft, like an out-of-focus soft. I also asked him questions regarding backlighting & also using my camera, and that was pretty positive :)
++ I'll post some photos/scans of my prints when I get them back :D ++

On a side note, our next project is portraits so I've asked Bea if she wants to model for me. Knowing her, she is so down! haha I'm taking this project just a little more seriously & putting more thought into it. Acting like photographer & model, we are currently discussing photo session times, what to wear, where to film, etc. This is fun! ^^

Next class was my animation class. I had my 1-on-1 with Michelle second (1st because the person ahead of me didn't have theirs). It was a very long 1-on-1 lol but I felt like I learned a lot! "I'm not worried about you" she says about my animation and that really boosted my confidence like, hey, maybe I can actually do this. (The same applies to my PHOT critique too). Overall today was a really positive day and I was in a good mood throughout the day. 

--

I'm trying to create a new routine/habit sort of.
A lot of times, I come home after class to waste time on random videos, social media, etc. So today when I got home, I made rice, vacuumed, and my new routine: giving myself some breather before diving into homework.
I've been at school all day y'know? So I made a short to-do list of things I want to get done. This list consists of things to get my mind off work--my mind tends to think about so many things at once that I can't really focus, so by writing them down, I won't worry about forgetting to do something. I also only made a short list, maybe for things to do within an hour. If I write a long list of to-dos, I'd feel like I'm not getting anything done and also, it's so much that I can't focus either.
The first thing on my breather list is to read. I'm currently reading this small book, called "Make a Zine," I picked up at the library. I've been meaning to start reading again because I miss reading books. I used to read so much back in elementary and middle school, then high school & college got too busy. Even if I did start reading, it'd take me ages to finish or I just won't be able to finish at all. Next was to blog -- currently doing! while listening to "Amamoto (instrumental)" + Rainy Mood.

I've been suuuuper behind on Inktober. I'm like on Day 5 and today's already 17. I'm less discouraged than I was before, so maybe I'll get close to finishing? A lot of artists on Twitter were saying how they might need to stop Inktober because of other things going on in life, and that just reminds me that, one doesn't need to be too hard on themselves for not finishing a challenge. It's not a competition and one should do it on their own time, etc.
Speaking of Twitter artists, there's been so many tweets surfacing about self-care and burnouts because of a recent article about creatives working 100 hours to finish a game or something, with no overtime pay. And one of my classmates posted about how she lost 13 POUNDS because she wasn't taking care of herself because she was just so busy. I can't put it in words like she can, so here is a screenshot of her post: (open the image in a new tab for a better view)


Missing an assignment is not the end of the world. We all stress out, but let's all look at the long term, okay?
Side note: I've been really into fromis_9's "LOVE BOMB" and Weki Meki's "Crush" so I wonder if I'll have time to cover them? hmmm

Just a summary of how I'm feeling, I guess.

I've been too pre-occupied last week to blog anything.

Robin drove back from Irvine on the 31st, and stayed over for a week. We had some "issues" during that week, though it was fun. We probably had like 2 fights? One was because I surprised him when he was driving, so he was pretty shaken up. That was my fault. That wasn't really a fight; I cried because it was my fault and I don't like seeing him down. I thought I saw him trembling... He was also frustrated because his GPS was screwing up again. We drove the rest of the way in silence (we were meeting Misha and her boyfriend; they treated us to sushi~)
I couldn't say anything because I was trying not to cry. The moment I were to speak, I wouldn't be able to help it ^^; But when we were almost there he apologized and spilled his feelings; I couldn't be honest though >x< The more he talked though, the more I wanted to cry. In the end, I did cry. This was when we parked. We didn't get out of the car because he was like, "we need to talk." When he realized he "made me cry," he was like, don't cry, my sister's gonna kill me. Or something along those lines haha.

I don't really remember the 2nd time... I remember it was outside of Happy Lemon. I was really annoyed by a lot of things I guess? And stressing over schoolwork. I was in a bad mood. This was when we were leaving Happy Lemon, I think. I forgot what we were talking about. I can't even remember why I cried? I just remember the feeling of wanting to cry, when your chest aches and you know it's coming. I couldn't hold back the tears, and when he asked if I was crying, I definitely couldn't hold back. And he was a little flustered and kept apologizing ^^;
I guess that's the most we fought?

That week was fun, but the actual issues relate to people outside of our relationship, mainly the roommate. Them two kept clashing which really stressed me out. Originally she said she'd be fine with him in the room, then when he actually got here, she said he couldn't sleep in the room. I get it though. I understand that it'd be quite inappropriate for a guy to be in a girl's room. He also kept being an instigator as well though -.-
He was pretty annoyed the 1st night with her back. She was ready to fight too, like, why? He didn't even do anything. (Refer to previous post to how I feel because of all this) I ended up sleeping in the car with him like twice -- also because we were having issues finding parking. The following nights we slept on the couch.

Oh yeah, did I ever mention my laptop broke again? Well, we got it fixed, upgraded to SSD and currently, upgraded to 8GB ram ;)

Finally, I get to escape from all this stress, and on the 6th, he drove us back to Stockton because I had a dentist appointment on Friday. (After we went to Round 1 and spent all my credits lol) I didn't mean to fall asleep on the ride there, but I did, while listening to the podcast he wanted me to listen to LOL It was like 10PM when we got back to Stockton, and we were going to get a burrito from the taco truck, but they were closed. So we went to get nuggets from McD. We ate at home; yes, he met my dad LOL The next day he meets my mom, too.

After my dentist appointment, we went to watch Searching. Pretty good movie by the way; he wasn't too excited about it, but the plot twists were so unexpected goddamn x'D Afterward we grabbed a late "dinner" and ate at home. We got Subway and burrito LOL It was getting late, but he didn't want to leave. Had to kick him out 'cause he was going to get too sleepy to drive lol.

Ah, he asked me if I wanted to go back to SJ on Saturday but I said no since that wasn't my plan. Big mistake. Should've just went with him because the ride home on Sunday was a big problem. Parents fought over a stupid issue, and they both wouldn't shut up, so I called Jen and them to see if they can pick me up. They said yeah, but had to pick up Zephy from airport, so after 12. I was crying and road-raging to grandparents' place. Almost an hour later, mom called me to come home because we were going. Looks like they've calmed down, so I told Jen and them they didn't need to come anymore. I drove the Odyssey back to SJ. And I didn't do any homework.
That Sunday, them 3 came down to SJ and we ate out and went karaoke, then had bingsoo at Mandro Teahouse. After I got dropped off, Robin came to pick me up after I showered. We stayed over at Misha's place for 2 nights? Tuesday morning everyone was up early. Misha made us tea; she made me Sakura latte~~ from Japan! I had my doubts, but it was pretty good! The night before, Misha also baked cheesecakes so we had mini cheesecake for breakfast x'D I was almost late to my morning class, but nope lol

Welp, that was what's been happening these past weeks. I have work later today. Yesterday I was pretty productive so I'm happy :3

--I love when he sings Khalid's "8teen" :3 --

when one of your best friends don't like your boyfriend?


It's kinda weird and puts me in such an awkward position. Like, are y'alls really making me choose?
Also, is there something more to the "he's annoying" reasoning?

This morning I woke up at around 7:20am -ish. My earphone had come out, so I checked my phone--because we were on Messenger call-- I thought the call ended, but I double-checked, and just then, he turned on his video. I thought he heard me rustling. And I turned on my video. Usually he's awake in the morning studying. This time, he actually woke up at about the same time I did. He said he was calling out to me a lot but my earphones weren't even in LOL

But I thought that was cute, when you wake up at the same time (via video chat LOL)
Not just knowing each other woke up, but to actually see each other wake up at the same time LOL

~
[Tues]
It wasn't like we had a fight or anything. Maybe a close one, but he was annoyed that I wasn't paying attention to him when we talked. Okay, it's difficult when I need to not ignore the people who are with me, but also not ignore him. I'm doing what I can. It's also hard to hear him because of the connection sometimes.

He didn't tell me at first. He said he didn't know why he was so mad that he wanted to punch a wall. It wasn't until after a little while that he said it was because of me. Like, what did I do!?
To be honest I was more sad that he was annoyed, surprised that I did something, & lost as to how I can even make him feel better? (Well, he said I did, but he was still mad LOL) but he was also mad at himself for getting mad at me & then he kept apologizing. The next morning he apologized too, not that I needed him to.

[Wed]
I was a lil' cautious with him after that because it didn't feel like he was back to "normal." But I guess he was? BUT. Then I started overthinking I guess. Like, dayum, he really thought I was annoying (LOL) as in, he might come to hate me *insert gloomy me in a corner* So then, it was my turn to get sorta moody. I just kept thinking too much...
(I was wary last night so at work I didn't text/call him on my break. My break time was different because I worked a different time. But he texted me --so sad! lol-- around 8pm & I wasn't sure if I shoulda texted him or called him, but I called him & he picked up but he sounded so sleepy. I was still not in the mood & was thinking, maybe we shouldn't be on call. But he wanted to, so we did)
He seems fine now. I'm fine now too.

Ah, I never finished those 2 posts & I'm too lazy to now LOL

Jo and I woke up early to take the doggos to the park. After we fed them we went back to sleep. Was gonna wake up around 9:30 or 10 again, with alarms, but Robin called me around 9:30. I was still very sleepy LOL I didn't want to get up but then I started tearing up and just wanting to cry while talking to him because I missed him ToT This is why, I shouldn't get a call in the morning when I am not fully awake LOL

Went to be a chauffeur for grandparents and Sam Po.
--

Yesterday I went to Quickly with Mina, Steph, Jessica and Arianne. I didn't even know Arianne was leaving already (for Air Force). She told me until September! She left pretty soon after I arrived, so we didn't talk much. The rest of us talked before Jessica clocked in at 5. Then we talked some more. Around 6:30 or so we parted ways and Steph and I went to Target. Afterward, I dropped her off at Office Depot to be picked up.

Hng, I miss not being an adult. Less responsibilities. More time (somewhat).
--

There's been so many CA fires happening that Stockton's been surrounded by a ring of the smoke/ash from the fires. Sorta hazy, and the sun's been just RED.  

He's like a puppy; he's so cute when he says he misses me.

It's barely been a week since he left for Irvine, yet he's called me and videochatted me pretty much everyday. He calls whenever he can. (I've been pretty busy lately though) I really love how honest he is too. He just straight up tells me how he feels.
He's always saying how obsessed he is, how much he loves and misses me. Always saying these sweet and funny things to me. Always complimenting me over something small. Always saying 'I love you' 10 times more than me. Always "crying" and saying he misses me. Always looking out for me and my (our? LOL) future. Always trying to get me to form good habits (I've been waking up early & being productive because that's what he does, so we videochat while working on our own things & he's trying to get me to go to the gym lol) Always saying that he wants us to be good for each other, encouraging/supporting & pushing each other forward.
He likes to talk about the future a lot, too. He brings up marriage, eloping, kids, and living together whenever we discuss the future. I find it cute and funny that he does and how serious he is when it comes to that.

Our night call just earlier, he mentioned that he dreamt about me, that he's (probably) been dreaming about me a lot lately because we are always on call & because he's always just thinking about me. I don't know how much of that is true, but I think it's cute. Also, when we set a time to hang up but neither of us really want to hang up.
He wishes we could've been together earlier. He wishes he could be with me right now, all the time actually, and how he hates this long distance ^^; It's so cute~
He asked me, "Can we be in love with each other forever?"

Side story, we were talking about makeup because we were watching a Dingo drama together, & I asked him about the idea of makeup. He already mentioned before that he prefers me al naturale & when I asked him if I did put on makeup, what would he do; he said he'd run [away] LOL Hm, should I take that as a good or bad sign haha He really doesn't judge me for my appearance or anything. I love him for doing that for me, whether he actually thinks so or not. He also mentioned how he wants to take me on "cute-ass dates." The way he said it that day was cute keke It was kinda whiny & exasperated at the same time lol (as in, because he wants to do it but can't)

He still is the one who waits for me the most. No matter how tired he is, if he can, he'll stay up until I get off work & we can talk for a bit.

I don't tell him I miss him because I don't want to distract him from his work (even though he's still distracted no matter what). I don't want him to "ache" to come here, for lack of a better phrase, because I say things like that.
I like our calls that are filled with a lot of silence because we are working on our things. I like doing things together knowing the other is on call. Apparently, just the fact that we are only a phone call away and there is good enough.

Actually, yesterday we were on call as well. And I forgot, but he was talking about how much he misses me and that I have no idea how much he misses me. And after the call, I was trying to sleep. But then I started thinking and missing, & no lie, my chest ached & I felt the tears wanting to flow, and I pretty much found that funny. I couldn't sleep last night, for whatever reason.

I just want to see him in November already.
(I still can't believe Steph & I really got tickets to fly to Irvine, & we planned all these things to do in 3 days, 2 nights)

So a quick update.
I'm actually really sleepy, and I meant to update last night but ended up knocking out, I guess.

Ah, I don't even know where to start. Hm, maybe after he left from his 1st visit.
After he left, he ended up visiting again Tuesday afternoon and stayed for the night. He also ended up working at the office with me. He planned to go back to Irvine Friday night, but he decided to spend another weekend here. He didn't tell his family though. Again, he chose one of my busier weekends ^^; Once again, he's always waiting for me.
We went to the gym before I went to work. (I am currently still sore from that) He came over to Cinnaholic during my breaks & my lunch. He stayed outside while we were closing. Then he ended up helping Julie bring in the tables. He sat inside while we finished up. He scared Elisa when she went outside (she thought he was a customer), & she came back to the kitchen telling me, then asked if he was my boyfriend lol
If you didn't know, he's a very clean guy LOL Surprisingly. He kept saying how dirty San Jose was, and on our way home that night, he was saying how dirty he felt, and as soon as we got home, he took a shower. He usually takes a really quick shower, but he took longer than usual LOL

He left Sunday afternoon.
That day though, we woke up pretty early, but we also slept late, and he needed to nap before he drove so we took a nap. (Also, we had a pretty filling lunch = food coma) We were watching his snaps, and apparently I fell asleep while he was telling me a story LOL woops. I woke up an hour later, I think. I don't know if he ended up sleeping too, but when I woke, he told me that I fell asleep so fast, in the middle of his story x'D I fell back asleep after that for probably another hour.
~

I really appreciate everything he does for me.
Another cheesy thing that he said? That he's content with life right now, "with [his] high school crush." As in, if the world ended right now, he would be fine with it. It still surprises me how he's set on me in his future, that he can easily give me a promise ring right now. I hope all this isn't just sweet talk or anything.

He's also the best positive impact I could ask for (does that even make sense? lol)
Who knew he'd be the one to push me forward, to encourage me, to make me a better person, and to make me have good habits haha He still tells me to switch to CS, jokingly, but when I tell him no, he's like, okay, and that I'll make it wherever I want to go/do. He tells me he wants us to be good for each other, to be each other's support. We are trying to make sure our decisions aren't revolved around each other. I also really like listening to him talk about his major and things he does/did, and his research currently.
He also spoils me hehe He gave me quarters for laundry because he "doesn't use them;" a waterproof bluetooth speaker because he "used it once and doesn't use it anymore;" and Starbucks gift cards (from others) because he "doesn't go to Starbucks often." He literally said he'll give me everything he has LOL

Hm, I wonder if I had anything else I wanted to say?
Well, today we went figure drawing.

Current song: MAMAMOO - "Egotistic"

I didn't know that was a thing.

Until I was talking to Qiwen & she mentioned that.
I just looked it up, and apparently it's the period of "blissful happiness" at the start of a fresh new relationship. Supposedly it ends around 6 months. After spending so much time doing everything for the first time together, you get bored or something. You start fighting over things. You stop trying to impress the other (not that we do LOL) It's also where you keep up a really good image. But for us, I feel like since we were friends in high school, we know each other's not-so-good sides? lol I don't know.

It's true; everything seems blissful. Even I thought, it's because this is all new as well that we are so attached to each other. This was something I talked to him about also, and all we could say was, we don't know. Because we really don't know.

I feel guilty because where he seems so sure about our relationship and future, I'm over here not wanting to make any guarantees. He would be asking me to not break his heart, promise to not break his heart, and I hate how I hesitated. I hesitated because we don't know the future... I'd hate to break a promise, so I don't want to guarantee. Then it feels like, I don't like him enough & that in the future, I'd fall out of love. I tell him a lot, what if we fall out of love. I'm such a worrywart, which is why I said no 2 years ago, and I'm still a worrywart.
--

Steph made accommodations so he could stay for 2 nights. It was only 2 nights and a day but everything feels like a habit already.
It felt odd not having him next to me at night.
It felt odd not having him at work. (Because he went to work with me the 2 days he was here)

I wonder if she genuinely didn't like seeing us together... refer to previous post. One thing I'd hate would be to make her sad...
I wonder if I caused trouble for others. I wonder if it made people uncomfortable when I'm with him. I remember being slightly uncomfortable when Louegie tagged along with Arianne, especially the first time (hey, she didn't even tell us they were dating xD I didn't tell her or Jessica until recently. Minar was actually the one to tell them lol) but then we got used to it. And it's chill because we knew him too. The different thing about him and Louegie is, he really likes skinship xD He doesn't care what other people think. Where Louegie just follows, Robin makes sure I'm right there with him, holding his hand. (A funny thing he said was, we could've been a hella cute couple in school LOL)
--

He's more honest than I could be. In person at least.
The day he was going to leave, he kept whining like a lil' kid lol About how he'll miss me, he doesn't want to leave, he'll be thinking about me everyday. He told me he's never been this obsessed with someone x'D I didn't really know what to say. I couldn't bring myself to say that I'll miss him. I do that so much better over messenger/text LOL He sorta knows me enough that when he teases me about something, it's pretty much true & I can't admit to it LOL
Oh, there was traffic on the way to Stockton after he dropped me off at work, so he went to visit Misha in Milpitas. On my 10 minute break, I got a message from Misha on Instagram LOL it was so funny. Misha is so cute keke At the same time, when he told me he was with Misha, he told me he told her about us xD

He wakes up early, so it looks like I picked up that habit and can't even sleep in anymore LOL
This morning, we were messaging, and he'd tell me to get up and not waste my day. (Well, he also tells me to have dreams/goals, to rest, to eat, to drink water lol) Skipping the context, he said:

I wanted to go w u
To gym
To office
To cinnaholic
To everywhere

I read that and my heart hurt LOL (also he's starting to pick up how I type too xD & uses "wae" now lolol I'm also picking up how he talks too lol) I love all the little things he does. I love the lil' kisses he gives me out of nowhere. I love the way he whispers to me LOL
I love him.
Sorry for being cheesy and mushy lol

Side note, he told me he didn't want it to be the 4th of July, so we agreed on the 3rd of July LOL (technically, it was the 3rd, but past 12am lol)

I don't even know where to start ^^;

I didn't really think anything was going to happen this weekend that I was coming home. (Since I got back to SJ, I was just getting myself back in to work mode, and trying to wrap my head over what happened the last couple of days).

Only Minar knows at this point. And my sisters lol
Uwah. I still have to finish the U10 concert recap. Why am I so lazyyyy lol I'm lazy to finish this too xD

Well let's see.
Tuesday, 07/03 I planned to go watch "Fireworks" in theaters. Original plan was at Eastridge, but plans changed when I decided to go home with Jim and them. (Oh, speaking of that, the Sunday after the concert, all 4 of us went to Round 1 and spent $$$ x'D It was fun though, not like we're gonna all go again. They had fun at the crane games. Spent a lot there, but we got a lot of toys. I got Jobee the Sumikko Gurashi tempura sushi in 1 try because the guy placed it really nicely & gave me a tip & I executed it nicely lol) None of the toys were mine though LOL
Anyway, so we were still talking & at some point the topic of movies came up & somehow ended up going together (originally was going to go alone if Jobee didn't want to come .-.) I was kinda nervous to be honest since I haven't seen him in so long. Before going, Jo and I went on an errand run for some food/treats for the pettos. Afterward, she wanted to go to Hobby Lobby, so we stopped by T4 and she grabbed a drink while I waited in the car. Jo told me she saw Arianne and Louegie and Arianne told her to tell me to text her. So I did, when we were at Hobby Lobby, and she came over to meet us. We chatted for a bit too, but then I had to go 'cause I was going to be late LOL We ended up just talking about Victor and stuff .-.
Anywayyy, so I ended up barely making it on time. I was joking with Jo that we'll get home and see him parking ahahaha. That's what happened .-. I left pretty much as soon as I got home. He gave me a friendly side-hug. I didn't think much then, but those side-hugs, I save for friends lol He usually doesn't give me that hug, so naturally, there goes my thought lol He paid for the tickets so I paid for food after the movies (we just ate In-n-Out LOL Boi was still hungry but didn't want to go eat anything more) This whole 'day out' gave me a deja-vu feeling from the last time I went to the movies with him ahahaha meaning, he was being him from high school again lol He chose such close seats, so we had to look up a bit lol Side note of a movie review, the movie was so confusing LOL and the end still didn't answer anything. Rating: 4/10. The quality of the animation kept distracting me as well.
Oh, and we were accidentally matching stripes LOL he wore a striped shirt & I wore a romper with striped shorts.

After In-n-Out, we went to visit Louegie and Rayven at PokeSalad. I don't know why lol Louegie gave me such a soft wave; he's so squishy. (Ah, he also saw me drive by in the afternoon since Arianne was dropping him off to work. So now he knows who I met with afterward LOL) Rayven also gave me such a nice greeting haha. I was kinda glad Victor wasn't closing because it probably would've been a lil' awkward... But we waited until they finished closing, and after saying bye to them, we went to a park LOL but the park by Winco ended up having people there so we didn't go out. Oh and starting from after the movie, he kept opening the car door for me lolol feels... weird... ^^;

We were in his car for about an hour maybe? And we just talked about a lot of stuff. Really, it was just him talking LOL Meanwhile, I was contemplating about how and whether to tell him. And then midway talking he said "I just told you my whole life. Tell me stuff" lol but I didn't have anything to tell him. Slowly, I started to get it out of my system. Though it was in between more of his stories LOL It was really late, 11:30pm, past his bedtime lol so he was really sleepy. [We talked a lot so a lot of stuff I didn't include here lol] I was literally dying. The worst confession ever LOL I just wanted to run away but there's nowhere to run away to. ALL I WANTED WAS A TEDDY BEAR BECAUSE I WAS SO NERVOUS. So I finally got to the part where I regretted what I said 2 years ago and he said "Don't regret it. It's not like I was heartbroken or anything. We're still friends" (he said this in a not-so-serious way). So at this point I was ready to give up lol. Before this he asked if I had any guys (like within the 2 years) or if I had a crush on anyone. Technically, no lol And then I asked him and he was like "I'm not gonna lie, there were a few girls" and he was saying something more but said he wouldn't tell me because I'm too innocent. Sorta can guess what he was talking about, but also, not sure? lol

So then he takes me home, but we stay in his car again for another hour. He brings it up again & asks me what I wanna do about it, and I'm still panicking and I say I don't know. In the end, he asked again LOL
~
Him: No?
Me: No~
Him: No? It's a no again?? *whines* Why you do dissss
Me: -laughs exasperatedly- Nooo~ it's not a no~
Him: So it's a yes?
Me: -mumbles- Mm. It's a yes before I run away.
~
And this whole time I couldn't even face him lol He kept asking for a kiss but I couldn't do it ALSKDJF I still wanna scream right now lol .^.
We hugged after, which I thought was goodbye hug? But I guess not? lolol I might've tried to give him a peck on the cheek, but he felt that I was? so he turned his head and that took me by surprise. So when I did give him a kiss, I was so embarrassed I could die. We were still in the hug so I just buried my face in his shoulder LOL and he chuckled at me alsdkjflkadjsf
And then he said "You're so innocent. What am I gonna do with you?"
He knows that was my first kiss >x< [I am dying writing this & then A Pink's "I Like That Kiss" is playing. WHY IS ITUNES LIKE THIS ALSKDFJ]
*sighs* Anyway, it was almost 1am and I probably said "I need to go" like 3 times but yet, there I was lol And he said, "Mm, it's not like I'm stopping you." And true. LOL I probably didn't want to go x'D please save me.
(When I told Jim I ended up saying yes she gave me the OoO look and...
Jim: You did!?
Me: -nods-
Jim: whyyyy he's weirdddd
Me: because you said YOLO!
Jim: I didn't know you were gonna SEE him!
Me: x'D
but she approves that he doesn't smoke or vape lol)
--
[I'll try to finish this up fast lol]
For July 4th, he said he'd come after "work" but it was getting really late and I figured he's gonna be too tired to come over. It was almost 11pm when he messaged me that he couldn't come over. Then he made plans to wake up at 5AM to see the sunrise. I wasn't even sure if I could wake up that early LOL I sorta asked my mom if I could. She said I was crazy pft but she didn't say no.

SO. I ended up waking up before my alarm this morning (because I was sleeping in the crack of the bed & for some reason it was getting really hot. There was room on the bed for Jim, Jo, and the BLANKET. but not me LOL) I jumped when my alarm rang because it was so freakin' loud xD And then I was just scrolling through Twitter/FB when he messaged me if I was awake. And then finally I got up to change lol Sneaking around is so hard LOL Later he tells me, he didn't want to wake up so he was low-key hoping I wasn't awake lol The moment I left the house, my mom woke up and I was like omg I need to go xD And when I opened the door it CREAKED. SO. LOUD. I was abouta faint. (I tried to show Jim how loud the door creaked but it was SILENT) I got out the gate and I heard the door open LOL My mom knew I went out xD My goodness, it wasn't like I was really sneaking out, dang x'D
We were going to light some sparklers so we went to buy a lighter (which is now sitting in my room & I have no idea what to do with it) and was going to find some place to light it but ended up back at the house LOL we lit 'em outside and when we finished he was like "okay, our July 4th is done" or something along those lines haha Afterward, we went to find a place to watch the sunrise. I kept thinking mountains LOL but we were driving downtown and I was just thinking I haven't been on the roof of the parking garage... ahhh. xD So we went to the parking garage and waited for the sun to rise. Feel free to not read the rest LOL might be too mushy x'D

We just hugged, me facing the sun, & he was facing the garage. Kissed a few times but I was still not used to it >//x\\< If he touched somewhere I wasn't comfortable with I just hit him & he'd stop lol We were probably there for an hour and a half. He even talked about the future LOL he said, "it might be too far ahead for you but..." -proceeds to talk about how many kids he wants and how he's not gonna spoil them lol-
I can tell he was really tired. And the way we were standing & him leaning on the wall, his back must've hurt lol his legs ended up getting numb too xD He gave me so many pecks I didn't know what to do >///<
At some point I happened to turn around and a security car is driving toward us. I get scared because first of all, this is embarrassing, second, I thought we were going to get in trouble for being on the rooftop. So I just looked away and I guess the car just kept driving, and I don't know if he's lying but he said "that guy just gave me a thumbs up, and I gave him a thumbs up back." And then apparently the security drove by again, and thumbs-up again. Also, he found out my ears are ticklish.

He also mentioned that he was really waiting, that he wasn't really into anyone else. But who knows? That might be sweet talk. A lot of times, I don't know if he's serious or trying to be cool ^^;

After a while, we left the garage. And he wanted to give me a piggyback ride but we were both tired and he couldn't make it to the next level haha and then he just drops me xD Again, he opens the door for me. He drops me off home and Reno is looking at me like "who are you" ALSDKFJ

I didn't have the key to get in so I had to sneak back in from the back. I thought of staying up, but I wasn't leaving 'til afternoon, so I went back to sleep.
Ah, at this point, I feel like I will be a bad girl > <
My mom told me she thought my aunt came in the morning but saw me leave. She didn't know who I went with, but she guessed who it was LOL
--

He's being pushy with, uh, "stuff" & apologized for being pushy but I'm sure he's gonna be dwelling on that again. Ah, I don't know what to do with him.
He's worried about the long distance too, but what can we do~
Also, we're probably in that stage where you know, everything is kinda new and we're all clingy and whatnot ^^; Aish, this is not good for my kokoro at all. After being official, there are some things I'm more comfortable sending (like cutesy, lovey stickers) and doing, like holding hands and hugging. Ah, & he's so cheesyyyy ALKSDFJ
But the bad thing is, now I miss him easily x'D please send halp.

I'll end this here. Before I die some more lol
My sisters are gonna kill me ^^;

It's hard for me to keep stuff in huh? I mean, I did for a while, but there are times when I just want to tell someone TuT I ended up telling Minar first, then Arlene, then Jo, then Jen & Jim x'D They were all quite... interesting convos (except Jo pft). Some surprising info too LOL I told Jen & Jim more than I did Jo lolol

Jim asked, why did you say no 2 years ago? And when I told her, she was like YOLO. And I was like, you couldn't tell me that before? Jim: well I didn't know all this. LOL
And I forgot who said this but: Mom said it's not dad who's gonna spend the rest of his life with him. That cracked me up. It true but x'D
I wish I had courage 2 years ago...

Ah, well yesterday, we went KBBQ with Leo. Jen came to pick me up & we shopped. Leo & Jim went hiking. We met up at Gen. After eating, we had iTea. We were leaving later than expected & Jen & Jim weren't going to get to work on time so I said to just take me to SF, and I can just go back after they get off work. I napped for 2 hours, woke up and then cleaned Jim's room, facetiming Jo and Mom. Mom kept laughing at my miseryyy. Isaac brought down chicken legs but I ended up not eating them ^^; I didn't get back to SJ 'til 2am & I was super tired so I knocked out pretty fast.
---

I was supposed to talk about the "progress." So, after talking to Minar, I stared at my phone for so long before I finally sent the Pusheen sticker. Ahh, I was dying. I was going crazy. I was just gonna sleep, but he replied me 10min later, but I didn't reply him 'til 30min later because I already put my phone aside. It took me a while to sleep. He didn't reply me until late afternoon the next day. I was super anxious, but we've been talking the past 2 days. There was only 1 time we were on at the same time. Other times, he leaves me on "Read" and doesn't reply until super late, like yesterday, he read my message from either the last night or morning, but didn't reply me until 12am. He replies me at odd times. When he reads my message but doesn't reply me, I kinda worry haha. (The last message with him ends off with something he can't reply to so that's my fault ^^; Arlene told me to say something else but I didn't what to say either)

I don't remember if I mentioned how much this bothered me (I probably did) but after being able to talk to him, I was more at ease, and wasn't as bothered as much. I feel like, even if I never brought it up, never got an answer, I'm fine with that. Maybe I just missed talking... -shrugs-
*I got distracted watching "Prince Wolf" lol but even this ep.8 had a lot of romance advice ALKSDFJK*
Well, either way...
--
Ooh! Also, I built my cart from Michael's today! With the wheels, it won't fit under my table, but Steph let me put it by the door under the light switch. I did organize stuff there (not exactly as I imagined how I would clean my room) but now it just looks crowded even though everything's in its place lol

Yesterday I finished "Ossan's Love" (2018) and uh, it's so cringey I can't, though I laughed a lot. I think it's comedy romance. But anyway, some parts do get intense. Last 2 episodes were a mess, though it ended on a happy note & I was satisfied with that. (Okay, but maybe I wished for a lil' bit longer of their lovey-dovey moments where Haruta finally accepts that he does like Maki and admits it.)
[The ending where Maki surprisingly forces a kiss on Haruta, which Haruta hates, but then he returns so sweetly KILLED ME. Haruta's (funny) confession to Maki hit me hard. My baby Maki finally gets his love returned.]

There were so many important points in the movie. And I hate how I keep relating it back to my situation right now (it's not really a situation???) But the end where Chizu-san told Maki that he should tell Haruta what he really thinks so he doesn't regret anything made me ponder...
Also, "running away before getting hurt"... the other party gets hurt just so you can be selfish you know?
最悪だ... that's why I don't have the courage to send him a message LOL I just thought, if I happen to see him over the summer I'll talk to him? But I highly doubt that's gonna happen ^^; I had a dream where I did happen to see him; he was working at a small coffee shop, Starbucks? I don't really remember what happened, but something like I waved? but all he had on was a poker face.

Ah, I'll blog a bit about my day yesterday later, but this morning I woke up at 8am. I think my biological clock is set ^^;
I woke up from a... weird dream. It felt like I had tears in my eyes? But it's not like they were falling. Maybe that's why I woke up... but also, when I woke up, my heart ached a bit. You know, it's really weird. This isn't the first time I felt a heartache of some sort (I think another one was because of a dream too...) But it just hurt a little bit. I don't even understand the dream. There was like a lover's quarrel, but he ended up being small like Mii-kun, even though he was a normal shortie at first. And then the boyfriend had to explain stuff? I don't know lolol

This morning was cool. The weather seems to have cooled down now. It's gonna be hot again. But I went to Academic Coffee, got a Dragon Pearl Green Tea (green tea + jasmine blend, it smelled good, wasn't too bitter but it wasn't sweet lol) and a churro custard muffin. After finishing, I asked to put up UP10TION posters and leave flyers. Afterward, I went home and watched Ossan's Love (2016). It's weird LOL so much cringe, but aww at the end xD so dumb lol Currently watching the drama series version. And, uh, also much cringe lol it's pretty comedic too. But so many love advice that so indirectly applies to me and I'm just like ALSKDFJ lol -sigh-

I don't know why it's bothering me so much...
And I don't have any courage ahahaha...haha..ha...

ANYWAY. I have work soon. I didn't even do anything for Jonathan x'D Oops.

Waking up early every day sure is taking a toll on me.

This was the first week for SOP. It's not like there's a lot for us to do, but I'm so tired after getting home. I literally napped every time I got home. Well, there's also the heat.
I didn't eat anything today, so I'm chilling at Tea Alley right now. Also, because I'm here to put up poster for U10. What am I to do with so many posterssss. I'm never joining a street team again OTL.

I went to the mall with Jessie after work. Technically, I left early since I wasn't even doing anything. Really there just to answer phone calls because they didn't want to answer. I got home so sleepy, that I accidentally fell asleep (again!) I slept for an hour, woke up, and went back to sleep again. I plan to make kimbap tonight... but what to have for dinner...

I'm still thinking about a cart for the room... maybe Michael's might barely fit... although I do want an iKEA one. I feel like, I'd have 2 carts anyway in the future LOL

Wow, I'm glad I decided to clean my room when the weather was cooler.

These past few days have been hitting 80 degrees +. I would not have survived in the apartment cleaning. I've been going out with Jessie a lot too, on top of going in to the office for SOP. I have work this weekend for Cinnaholic. Yesterday, I also accepted Jonathan's offer to work as an animator on his summer short. It was hard to make up an excuse to not accept it, but also, I want something worthy for my portfolio... I haven't gotten around to improving my technical skills. Mostly because I'm lazy :p
I've been napping a lot too because of the heat. Yesterday, it was so hot, I rolled out my yoga mat and slept on the floor. It barely helped.

Speaking of shopping with Jessie though, I got a few more supplies for my resin crafting. Though I didn't plan to get supplies at Michael's, it was too much of a hassle to be going to Target, Wal-mart, Home Depot, etc, since transportation is inconvenient, and I can't make Jessie my Uber LOL

I made my first resin prism. It came out better than I thought, but since I didn't pre-mix the resin & pastel, the prism came out more opaque than I wanted. I also found out, Daiso resin sucks at curing LOL I thought that my mini UV lamp just sucked, so I cured it like 3 times. The mold ended up being quite hot to the touch. There's a lot of bubbles on the top too because I let in too much air when I mixed. The last items I need are E600 glue & car wax for polishing LOL. While at Michael's, I also saw a 3-tier cart by Recollections. I wanted to get the Raskog cart from iKEA since it's better quality, but I think Raskog is a little bit too tall to fit under my desk. Since Michael's is a little shorter, it might just fit... also, I got's a coupon so it will be cheaper than iKEA's xD (otherwise, iKEA's would be cheaper by $5 lol) Ah, the inconvenience of no car.

I have just a little bit more to clean up in the room...

Oh, the past few days, I spent a lil' much on music ^^; but I couldn't help it~ I haven't been caught up with Bowen's releases, but he released another album sometime last year and I didn't know. It was $12.99 on iTunes because it was "partial album," which meant you had to buy each song separately. Plus, one song was an "Album Only" track. I found the album on Amazon Music for $8.99 for ALL 10 songs. BLESS. I didn't know they were going to give the "Album Only" track either.

Okay, gonna make kimbap tomorrow after work. Maybe after I stop by Tea Alley to put up poster...

I finally forced myself to clean up my room. Today wasn't too hot; actually it was pretty cloudy when I woke up.

My desk was super dusty, so that was what I tackled first. Dumped pretty much everything either on the floor or on my bed. Wiped down everything, then re-organized everything on it. Then I cleaned up under my bed as best as I could. I put away things ie. all my hobby/craft supplies in the boxes (I need new, better boxes x'D) Vacuumed and mopped. Moved a whole lot of my books out onto the living room table. It took me 2 hours+ to do, and then I had to go work. I was on a roll! x'D So I was almost late for work. I made it with 2 minutes left.
--work went well, though I was getting random headaches. Probably from the heat; & we were getting random rushes--
On my lunch break, I bumped into Genai at Boba Bar! So we chatted while I ate, & then she walked me back to work & I gave her my free roll lol The girl who works at Boba Bar is super nice! She always talks to me & she remembers me ahaha

After work, I came home & didn't even know where to start cleaning LOL I ended up putting everything back under my desk > < I really need a shelf...
Well, the room feels clean and organized... I still need to clean the closet shelf and my art supply "bag" in the closet. I have so much laundry this week, it's piling over. Since I did a thorough cleaning, I changed my bedsheets and pillow case, & flipped my bed (it's an old bed okay lolol) and re-organized my plushies. Everything feels neat now.
Tomorrow's my only day of break before I need to be up for SOP this summer, but guess how I'm spending it OTL

Gotta do laundry, probably 2 loads, and then gotta clean the closet and top shelf. I might as well move everything out of the closet, vacuum & mop too huh? OTL Time to let go and throw some things out too...

Oooh, since my credit card FINALLY works after so many issues, I went on a splurge & finally bought albums/songs from iTunes. Around $20. keke~ <3
Okay time to sleep!

Ahhh I'm thinking about it all again, I don't know why...
Everything's in the past. It's already been 3 years. Yet, here I am thinking about it again.
It was sorta floating in the back of my mind, but then Jessie *smh with a smile* She was teasing me when we were at Teahee. Not really teasing me, but she took a snap of me & showed me that she was gonna send it to him. Slightly shocked, I asked her why. She just devilishly smirked, shrugged, and said, "because he snapped me." ALSKDFJ lol
I spent the rest of the day at Jessie's watching random videos and clips 'til 12:30AM. Lying on the floor, at some point, I just started thinking too much ^^; The one moment I remember so clearly was, sophomore rally performance? I have a faint memory of having blogged about it.... but I don't know why. Maybe it was the pent-up stress and nervousness of the performance? After I finished I felt sick to the stomach. Instead of going back up to the bleachers, I sat on the floor near the open doors. I don't think anyone else noticed because I tried not to show it. But he came over to say that we did a great job. Maybe I gave too weak of a response, because he asked if I was okay. Of course, I'm gonna say I was fine. I think I told him I was just a lil' tired. He didn't ask further and just sat there with me.
I wish I can go back to the time.
Had I not been a coward in love, maybe things would've been different 3 years ago...

Currently listening to "The Truth Untold" by BTS. Ha. How true to how I feel right now...
I tried to sing along, but my voice is barely back. Where I can usually go falsetto, I can't even get a squeak out LOL

So speaking of getting better, work these past two days have been fun. I really missed going back to work. On Friday, the 1st day back at work, everyone kept asking if I'm feeling better. I'm feeling better, but I lost my voice LOL I did try to speak up, but it just wasn't working, so I resorted back to whispering. My co-workers were super cooperative and understanding of it. I couldn't call out the names, so whenever I finished an order, I'd get one of them to yell it out. I ended up being really quiet for my whole shift ^^; Towards the end of the day, Priscilla couldn't help but laugh at my whispering. She said it was funny that I had to go up to them to whisper a question etc, but that it wasn't funny that I was sick LOL When I was leaving, Liz and Elisa were like, hope you feel better xD and I tried to say bye to Daniel but of course he can't hear my whisper, & Liz & Elisa were like "BYE DANIEL" ahahahhaa
And then Saturday, my voice slowly started coming back. Still not loud enough, but I managed to do POS, though the customers had a hard time hearing me ^^; If it wasn't too loud I could manage a squeak of the name & they sometimes can hear me. Near the last few hours of work, Zeke came in. After some time, he came over & whispered "are you feeling better?" I couldn't help but laugh a little and told him yeah. He also worked with me at the toppings at some point, and the topping was banana but the writing was a lil' sloppy so he thought it was a different topping, but I told him it was just bananas. Another one was apples, & he never the cut the apple toppings before so I tried to explain it to him, but it was hard to explain it because first of all, I just kinda cut whatever. And that's also what I told him haha but not like I can talk that much anyway. He laughed a lil' & let me finish the order. Also, I was the one at the counter to call out orders, but he was working next to me & said "just let me know when you need me to call them out." One time, I didn't even say anything yet, and he already looked over the name & called it out. We also had a laugh because he pushed too hard & dropped the blueberries in the fridge x'D ahh, Zeke so funny.
Hmm, I don't work 'til Friday again.

Out of order, but today was really hot, so Jessie drove us to Wal-mart to escape the heat. and to buy stuff lol Afterward we went to Teahee for boba. Their uniforms are so cute~ Then we went to Eastridge because she didn't want to go home yet. We went to Round 1, and played some games (not a lot). She wanted a small Mamegoma so we tried for it. I got it on the first try, but it fell when the crane hit the top. Jessie was so shocked ahahaha And we tried a few more times & I forgot when but she just could not stop laughing lol. We were so close on like 3 tries. One time it was on its way to the hole, but dropped right before the hole. Knowing me, of course I came back to it and we tried some more. But then I pretty much ran out of credits ahaha no credit card so no refill for me :p At one of my retries, this dude suddenly plonked himself at the window ie. just slammed his palms onto the windows and stared at the crane. There goes my try ^^; He was like awww and walked away, his friends following him (I think 2 of them at the end were kinda cute but I only glanced at their faces). I just gave Jessie the what-the-heck-just-happened look and we just laughed.

Well, that's the day. I have training with Arlene tomorrow. I want to go out again already~ Can't wait 'til July 3/5 so I can watch "Fireworks" at Eastridge~

Welp. This week just wasn't going so well right? Shoulda known from a bad Monday.

I wasn't able to finish & turn in homework on time.
I woke up late so I didn't go to class.

Now I'm just being a downer because I'm so guilty of things & just so stressed.
But at the same time, a part of me is saying, there's no need to be so hard on yourself. 
It's just one assignment. It's just some points off. The only thing that matters is the final product.

I had a reset on Tuesday, but that either didn't help and really just wasted my time.
What I learned: resets only work at the end of the week/on weekends (probably).

So yeah... this week I skipped all my classes at least once.
I don't feel like doing anything right now...
at the same time I don't have time to cry.

Actually, I was on the verge of crying since yesterday. I guess I was at my limit this week. On top of all that stress, I can't help missing him either. So me being emotionally weak, can't help but cry right now.

Well, this Monday wasn't starting out too great... I mean, it wasn't that bad either.

I just missed my massage chair appointment that I was looking forward to; I thought it was at 12:30 but then I realized it was at 11:30 instead and THEN I realized I forgot class was at 12. So I went to class 30 minutes late and developed the 1 roll of film of portraits of Bea. (We had a super fun amazing photoshoot though. Bea was super helpful because she posed on her own. There were a few times I posed because I wanted something specific. I felt like a professional photographer! LOL I thought it would be hard for me to direct, but when you got into it, you're into it keke)

My "midterm" is due tomorrow. "Midterm" because it's really just the finalized versions of a lot of parts of the film. This was what I was mainly stressed about because I was worried I won't finish. I still don't think I will finish unless I pull an all-nighter, but I'm trying to stress less. I wrote out what I needed to do for tomorrow, and it doesn't look too much, surprisingly.

It just felt really stressed since this morning, but I think my day turned better, I guess.
Also, I don't know how we got to the topic, but Robin & I had a "talk." It wasn't really a big deal? but I ended up regretting most of what I said.

I really don't think before I speak, huh?
Or more like, I can't explain myself well enough.

And I get easily emotional when talking to him. I try to not let him know though, but he tends to notice anyway. And when he does notice, it's harder to hold it in.
ANYWHO, I worked too much the past weekend. I seemed to hardly have had any rest... I guess waking up extra early counters that though.
Ok, back to work.

Today I had my individual critique with Dan, my PHOT 110 (B/W film photo class) instructor, and I was super nervous about it. It was pretty good though! He really liked my concept and said that, the most difficult part of this project was the concept part; to really be able to convey the place in its mood, smells, etc. Though he did say we gotta work on my technique because the photos were too soft, like an out-of-focus soft. I also asked him questions regarding backlighting & also using my camera, and that was pretty positive :)
++ I'll post some photos/scans of my prints when I get them back :D ++

On a side note, our next project is portraits so I've asked Bea if she wants to model for me. Knowing her, she is so down! haha I'm taking this project just a little more seriously & putting more thought into it. Acting like photographer & model, we are currently discussing photo session times, what to wear, where to film, etc. This is fun! ^^

Next class was my animation class. I had my 1-on-1 with Michelle second (1st because the person ahead of me didn't have theirs). It was a very long 1-on-1 lol but I felt like I learned a lot! "I'm not worried about you" she says about my animation and that really boosted my confidence like, hey, maybe I can actually do this. (The same applies to my PHOT critique too). Overall today was a really positive day and I was in a good mood throughout the day. 

--

I'm trying to create a new routine/habit sort of.
A lot of times, I come home after class to waste time on random videos, social media, etc. So today when I got home, I made rice, vacuumed, and my new routine: giving myself some breather before diving into homework.
I've been at school all day y'know? So I made a short to-do list of things I want to get done. This list consists of things to get my mind off work--my mind tends to think about so many things at once that I can't really focus, so by writing them down, I won't worry about forgetting to do something. I also only made a short list, maybe for things to do within an hour. If I write a long list of to-dos, I'd feel like I'm not getting anything done and also, it's so much that I can't focus either.
The first thing on my breather list is to read. I'm currently reading this small book, called "Make a Zine," I picked up at the library. I've been meaning to start reading again because I miss reading books. I used to read so much back in elementary and middle school, then high school & college got too busy. Even if I did start reading, it'd take me ages to finish or I just won't be able to finish at all. Next was to blog -- currently doing! while listening to "Amamoto (instrumental)" + Rainy Mood.

I've been suuuuper behind on Inktober. I'm like on Day 5 and today's already 17. I'm less discouraged than I was before, so maybe I'll get close to finishing? A lot of artists on Twitter were saying how they might need to stop Inktober because of other things going on in life, and that just reminds me that, one doesn't need to be too hard on themselves for not finishing a challenge. It's not a competition and one should do it on their own time, etc.
Speaking of Twitter artists, there's been so many tweets surfacing about self-care and burnouts because of a recent article about creatives working 100 hours to finish a game or something, with no overtime pay. And one of my classmates posted about how she lost 13 POUNDS because she wasn't taking care of herself because she was just so busy. I can't put it in words like she can, so here is a screenshot of her post: (open the image in a new tab for a better view)


Missing an assignment is not the end of the world. We all stress out, but let's all look at the long term, okay?
Side note: I've been really into fromis_9's "LOVE BOMB" and Weki Meki's "Crush" so I wonder if I'll have time to cover them? hmmm

Just a summary of how I'm feeling, I guess.

I've been too pre-occupied last week to blog anything.

Robin drove back from Irvine on the 31st, and stayed over for a week. We had some "issues" during that week, though it was fun. We probably had like 2 fights? One was because I surprised him when he was driving, so he was pretty shaken up. That was my fault. That wasn't really a fight; I cried because it was my fault and I don't like seeing him down. I thought I saw him trembling... He was also frustrated because his GPS was screwing up again. We drove the rest of the way in silence (we were meeting Misha and her boyfriend; they treated us to sushi~)
I couldn't say anything because I was trying not to cry. The moment I were to speak, I wouldn't be able to help it ^^; But when we were almost there he apologized and spilled his feelings; I couldn't be honest though >x< The more he talked though, the more I wanted to cry. In the end, I did cry. This was when we parked. We didn't get out of the car because he was like, "we need to talk." When he realized he "made me cry," he was like, don't cry, my sister's gonna kill me. Or something along those lines haha.

I don't really remember the 2nd time... I remember it was outside of Happy Lemon. I was really annoyed by a lot of things I guess? And stressing over schoolwork. I was in a bad mood. This was when we were leaving Happy Lemon, I think. I forgot what we were talking about. I can't even remember why I cried? I just remember the feeling of wanting to cry, when your chest aches and you know it's coming. I couldn't hold back the tears, and when he asked if I was crying, I definitely couldn't hold back. And he was a little flustered and kept apologizing ^^;
I guess that's the most we fought?

That week was fun, but the actual issues relate to people outside of our relationship, mainly the roommate. Them two kept clashing which really stressed me out. Originally she said she'd be fine with him in the room, then when he actually got here, she said he couldn't sleep in the room. I get it though. I understand that it'd be quite inappropriate for a guy to be in a girl's room. He also kept being an instigator as well though -.-
He was pretty annoyed the 1st night with her back. She was ready to fight too, like, why? He didn't even do anything. (Refer to previous post to how I feel because of all this) I ended up sleeping in the car with him like twice -- also because we were having issues finding parking. The following nights we slept on the couch.

Oh yeah, did I ever mention my laptop broke again? Well, we got it fixed, upgraded to SSD and currently, upgraded to 8GB ram ;)

Finally, I get to escape from all this stress, and on the 6th, he drove us back to Stockton because I had a dentist appointment on Friday. (After we went to Round 1 and spent all my credits lol) I didn't mean to fall asleep on the ride there, but I did, while listening to the podcast he wanted me to listen to LOL It was like 10PM when we got back to Stockton, and we were going to get a burrito from the taco truck, but they were closed. So we went to get nuggets from McD. We ate at home; yes, he met my dad LOL The next day he meets my mom, too.

After my dentist appointment, we went to watch Searching. Pretty good movie by the way; he wasn't too excited about it, but the plot twists were so unexpected goddamn x'D Afterward we grabbed a late "dinner" and ate at home. We got Subway and burrito LOL It was getting late, but he didn't want to leave. Had to kick him out 'cause he was going to get too sleepy to drive lol.

Ah, he asked me if I wanted to go back to SJ on Saturday but I said no since that wasn't my plan. Big mistake. Should've just went with him because the ride home on Sunday was a big problem. Parents fought over a stupid issue, and they both wouldn't shut up, so I called Jen and them to see if they can pick me up. They said yeah, but had to pick up Zephy from airport, so after 12. I was crying and road-raging to grandparents' place. Almost an hour later, mom called me to come home because we were going. Looks like they've calmed down, so I told Jen and them they didn't need to come anymore. I drove the Odyssey back to SJ. And I didn't do any homework.
That Sunday, them 3 came down to SJ and we ate out and went karaoke, then had bingsoo at Mandro Teahouse. After I got dropped off, Robin came to pick me up after I showered. We stayed over at Misha's place for 2 nights? Tuesday morning everyone was up early. Misha made us tea; she made me Sakura latte~~ from Japan! I had my doubts, but it was pretty good! The night before, Misha also baked cheesecakes so we had mini cheesecake for breakfast x'D I was almost late to my morning class, but nope lol

Welp, that was what's been happening these past weeks. I have work later today. Yesterday I was pretty productive so I'm happy :3

--I love when he sings Khalid's "8teen" :3 --

when one of your best friends don't like your boyfriend?


It's kinda weird and puts me in such an awkward position. Like, are y'alls really making me choose?
Also, is there something more to the "he's annoying" reasoning?

This morning I woke up at around 7:20am -ish. My earphone had come out, so I checked my phone--because we were on Messenger call-- I thought the call ended, but I double-checked, and just then, he turned on his video. I thought he heard me rustling. And I turned on my video. Usually he's awake in the morning studying. This time, he actually woke up at about the same time I did. He said he was calling out to me a lot but my earphones weren't even in LOL

But I thought that was cute, when you wake up at the same time (via video chat LOL)
Not just knowing each other woke up, but to actually see each other wake up at the same time LOL

~
[Tues]
It wasn't like we had a fight or anything. Maybe a close one, but he was annoyed that I wasn't paying attention to him when we talked. Okay, it's difficult when I need to not ignore the people who are with me, but also not ignore him. I'm doing what I can. It's also hard to hear him because of the connection sometimes.

He didn't tell me at first. He said he didn't know why he was so mad that he wanted to punch a wall. It wasn't until after a little while that he said it was because of me. Like, what did I do!?
To be honest I was more sad that he was annoyed, surprised that I did something, & lost as to how I can even make him feel better? (Well, he said I did, but he was still mad LOL) but he was also mad at himself for getting mad at me & then he kept apologizing. The next morning he apologized too, not that I needed him to.

[Wed]
I was a lil' cautious with him after that because it didn't feel like he was back to "normal." But I guess he was? BUT. Then I started overthinking I guess. Like, dayum, he really thought I was annoying (LOL) as in, he might come to hate me *insert gloomy me in a corner* So then, it was my turn to get sorta moody. I just kept thinking too much...
(I was wary last night so at work I didn't text/call him on my break. My break time was different because I worked a different time. But he texted me --so sad! lol-- around 8pm & I wasn't sure if I shoulda texted him or called him, but I called him & he picked up but he sounded so sleepy. I was still not in the mood & was thinking, maybe we shouldn't be on call. But he wanted to, so we did)
He seems fine now. I'm fine now too.

Ah, I never finished those 2 posts & I'm too lazy to now LOL

Jo and I woke up early to take the doggos to the park. After we fed them we went back to sleep. Was gonna wake up around 9:30 or 10 again, with alarms, but Robin called me around 9:30. I was still very sleepy LOL I didn't want to get up but then I started tearing up and just wanting to cry while talking to him because I missed him ToT This is why, I shouldn't get a call in the morning when I am not fully awake LOL

Went to be a chauffeur for grandparents and Sam Po.
--

Yesterday I went to Quickly with Mina, Steph, Jessica and Arianne. I didn't even know Arianne was leaving already (for Air Force). She told me until September! She left pretty soon after I arrived, so we didn't talk much. The rest of us talked before Jessica clocked in at 5. Then we talked some more. Around 6:30 or so we parted ways and Steph and I went to Target. Afterward, I dropped her off at Office Depot to be picked up.

Hng, I miss not being an adult. Less responsibilities. More time (somewhat).
--

There's been so many CA fires happening that Stockton's been surrounded by a ring of the smoke/ash from the fires. Sorta hazy, and the sun's been just RED.  

He's like a puppy; he's so cute when he says he misses me.

It's barely been a week since he left for Irvine, yet he's called me and videochatted me pretty much everyday. He calls whenever he can. (I've been pretty busy lately though) I really love how honest he is too. He just straight up tells me how he feels.
He's always saying how obsessed he is, how much he loves and misses me. Always saying these sweet and funny things to me. Always complimenting me over something small. Always saying 'I love you' 10 times more than me. Always "crying" and saying he misses me. Always looking out for me and my (our? LOL) future. Always trying to get me to form good habits (I've been waking up early & being productive because that's what he does, so we videochat while working on our own things & he's trying to get me to go to the gym lol) Always saying that he wants us to be good for each other, encouraging/supporting & pushing each other forward.
He likes to talk about the future a lot, too. He brings up marriage, eloping, kids, and living together whenever we discuss the future. I find it cute and funny that he does and how serious he is when it comes to that.

Our night call just earlier, he mentioned that he dreamt about me, that he's (probably) been dreaming about me a lot lately because we are always on call & because he's always just thinking about me. I don't know how much of that is true, but I think it's cute. Also, when we set a time to hang up but neither of us really want to hang up.
He wishes we could've been together earlier. He wishes he could be with me right now, all the time actually, and how he hates this long distance ^^; It's so cute~
He asked me, "Can we be in love with each other forever?"

Side story, we were talking about makeup because we were watching a Dingo drama together, & I asked him about the idea of makeup. He already mentioned before that he prefers me al naturale & when I asked him if I did put on makeup, what would he do; he said he'd run [away] LOL Hm, should I take that as a good or bad sign haha He really doesn't judge me for my appearance or anything. I love him for doing that for me, whether he actually thinks so or not. He also mentioned how he wants to take me on "cute-ass dates." The way he said it that day was cute keke It was kinda whiny & exasperated at the same time lol (as in, because he wants to do it but can't)

He still is the one who waits for me the most. No matter how tired he is, if he can, he'll stay up until I get off work & we can talk for a bit.

I don't tell him I miss him because I don't want to distract him from his work (even though he's still distracted no matter what). I don't want him to "ache" to come here, for lack of a better phrase, because I say things like that.
I like our calls that are filled with a lot of silence because we are working on our things. I like doing things together knowing the other is on call. Apparently, just the fact that we are only a phone call away and there is good enough.

Actually, yesterday we were on call as well. And I forgot, but he was talking about how much he misses me and that I have no idea how much he misses me. And after the call, I was trying to sleep. But then I started thinking and missing, & no lie, my chest ached & I felt the tears wanting to flow, and I pretty much found that funny. I couldn't sleep last night, for whatever reason.

I just want to see him in November already.
(I still can't believe Steph & I really got tickets to fly to Irvine, & we planned all these things to do in 3 days, 2 nights)

So a quick update.
I'm actually really sleepy, and I meant to update last night but ended up knocking out, I guess.

Ah, I don't even know where to start. Hm, maybe after he left from his 1st visit.
After he left, he ended up visiting again Tuesday afternoon and stayed for the night. He also ended up working at the office with me. He planned to go back to Irvine Friday night, but he decided to spend another weekend here. He didn't tell his family though. Again, he chose one of my busier weekends ^^; Once again, he's always waiting for me.
We went to the gym before I went to work. (I am currently still sore from that) He came over to Cinnaholic during my breaks & my lunch. He stayed outside while we were closing. Then he ended up helping Julie bring in the tables. He sat inside while we finished up. He scared Elisa when she went outside (she thought he was a customer), & she came back to the kitchen telling me, then asked if he was my boyfriend lol
If you didn't know, he's a very clean guy LOL Surprisingly. He kept saying how dirty San Jose was, and on our way home that night, he was saying how dirty he felt, and as soon as we got home, he took a shower. He usually takes a really quick shower, but he took longer than usual LOL

He left Sunday afternoon.
That day though, we woke up pretty early, but we also slept late, and he needed to nap before he drove so we took a nap. (Also, we had a pretty filling lunch = food coma) We were watching his snaps, and apparently I fell asleep while he was telling me a story LOL woops. I woke up an hour later, I think. I don't know if he ended up sleeping too, but when I woke, he told me that I fell asleep so fast, in the middle of his story x'D I fell back asleep after that for probably another hour.
~

I really appreciate everything he does for me.
Another cheesy thing that he said? That he's content with life right now, "with [his] high school crush." As in, if the world ended right now, he would be fine with it. It still surprises me how he's set on me in his future, that he can easily give me a promise ring right now. I hope all this isn't just sweet talk or anything.

He's also the best positive impact I could ask for (does that even make sense? lol)
Who knew he'd be the one to push me forward, to encourage me, to make me a better person, and to make me have good habits haha He still tells me to switch to CS, jokingly, but when I tell him no, he's like, okay, and that I'll make it wherever I want to go/do. He tells me he wants us to be good for each other, to be each other's support. We are trying to make sure our decisions aren't revolved around each other. I also really like listening to him talk about his major and things he does/did, and his research currently.
He also spoils me hehe He gave me quarters for laundry because he "doesn't use them;" a waterproof bluetooth speaker because he "used it once and doesn't use it anymore;" and Starbucks gift cards (from others) because he "doesn't go to Starbucks often." He literally said he'll give me everything he has LOL

Hm, I wonder if I had anything else I wanted to say?
Well, today we went figure drawing.

Current song: MAMAMOO - "Egotistic"

I didn't know that was a thing.

Until I was talking to Qiwen & she mentioned that.
I just looked it up, and apparently it's the period of "blissful happiness" at the start of a fresh new relationship. Supposedly it ends around 6 months. After spending so much time doing everything for the first time together, you get bored or something. You start fighting over things. You stop trying to impress the other (not that we do LOL) It's also where you keep up a really good image. But for us, I feel like since we were friends in high school, we know each other's not-so-good sides? lol I don't know.

It's true; everything seems blissful. Even I thought, it's because this is all new as well that we are so attached to each other. This was something I talked to him about also, and all we could say was, we don't know. Because we really don't know.

I feel guilty because where he seems so sure about our relationship and future, I'm over here not wanting to make any guarantees. He would be asking me to not break his heart, promise to not break his heart, and I hate how I hesitated. I hesitated because we don't know the future... I'd hate to break a promise, so I don't want to guarantee. Then it feels like, I don't like him enough & that in the future, I'd fall out of love. I tell him a lot, what if we fall out of love. I'm such a worrywart, which is why I said no 2 years ago, and I'm still a worrywart.
--

Steph made accommodations so he could stay for 2 nights. It was only 2 nights and a day but everything feels like a habit already.
It felt odd not having him next to me at night.
It felt odd not having him at work. (Because he went to work with me the 2 days he was here)

I wonder if she genuinely didn't like seeing us together... refer to previous post. One thing I'd hate would be to make her sad...
I wonder if I caused trouble for others. I wonder if it made people uncomfortable when I'm with him. I remember being slightly uncomfortable when Louegie tagged along with Arianne, especially the first time (hey, she didn't even tell us they were dating xD I didn't tell her or Jessica until recently. Minar was actually the one to tell them lol) but then we got used to it. And it's chill because we knew him too. The different thing about him and Louegie is, he really likes skinship xD He doesn't care what other people think. Where Louegie just follows, Robin makes sure I'm right there with him, holding his hand. (A funny thing he said was, we could've been a hella cute couple in school LOL)
--

He's more honest than I could be. In person at least.
The day he was going to leave, he kept whining like a lil' kid lol About how he'll miss me, he doesn't want to leave, he'll be thinking about me everyday. He told me he's never been this obsessed with someone x'D I didn't really know what to say. I couldn't bring myself to say that I'll miss him. I do that so much better over messenger/text LOL He sorta knows me enough that when he teases me about something, it's pretty much true & I can't admit to it LOL
Oh, there was traffic on the way to Stockton after he dropped me off at work, so he went to visit Misha in Milpitas. On my 10 minute break, I got a message from Misha on Instagram LOL it was so funny. Misha is so cute keke At the same time, when he told me he was with Misha, he told me he told her about us xD

He wakes up early, so it looks like I picked up that habit and can't even sleep in anymore LOL
This morning, we were messaging, and he'd tell me to get up and not waste my day. (Well, he also tells me to have dreams/goals, to rest, to eat, to drink water lol) Skipping the context, he said:

I wanted to go w u
To gym
To office
To cinnaholic
To everywhere

I read that and my heart hurt LOL (also he's starting to pick up how I type too xD & uses "wae" now lolol I'm also picking up how he talks too lol) I love all the little things he does. I love the lil' kisses he gives me out of nowhere. I love the way he whispers to me LOL
I love him.
Sorry for being cheesy and mushy lol

Side note, he told me he didn't want it to be the 4th of July, so we agreed on the 3rd of July LOL (technically, it was the 3rd, but past 12am lol)

I don't even know where to start ^^;

I didn't really think anything was going to happen this weekend that I was coming home. (Since I got back to SJ, I was just getting myself back in to work mode, and trying to wrap my head over what happened the last couple of days).

Only Minar knows at this point. And my sisters lol
Uwah. I still have to finish the U10 concert recap. Why am I so lazyyyy lol I'm lazy to finish this too xD

Well let's see.
Tuesday, 07/03 I planned to go watch "Fireworks" in theaters. Original plan was at Eastridge, but plans changed when I decided to go home with Jim and them. (Oh, speaking of that, the Sunday after the concert, all 4 of us went to Round 1 and spent $$$ x'D It was fun though, not like we're gonna all go again. They had fun at the crane games. Spent a lot there, but we got a lot of toys. I got Jobee the Sumikko Gurashi tempura sushi in 1 try because the guy placed it really nicely & gave me a tip & I executed it nicely lol) None of the toys were mine though LOL
Anyway, so we were still talking & at some point the topic of movies came up & somehow ended up going together (originally was going to go alone if Jobee didn't want to come .-.) I was kinda nervous to be honest since I haven't seen him in so long. Before going, Jo and I went on an errand run for some food/treats for the pettos. Afterward, she wanted to go to Hobby Lobby, so we stopped by T4 and she grabbed a drink while I waited in the car. Jo told me she saw Arianne and Louegie and Arianne told her to tell me to text her. So I did, when we were at Hobby Lobby, and she came over to meet us. We chatted for a bit too, but then I had to go 'cause I was going to be late LOL We ended up just talking about Victor and stuff .-.
Anywayyy, so I ended up barely making it on time. I was joking with Jo that we'll get home and see him parking ahahaha. That's what happened .-. I left pretty much as soon as I got home. He gave me a friendly side-hug. I didn't think much then, but those side-hugs, I save for friends lol He usually doesn't give me that hug, so naturally, there goes my thought lol He paid for the tickets so I paid for food after the movies (we just ate In-n-Out LOL Boi was still hungry but didn't want to go eat anything more) This whole 'day out' gave me a deja-vu feeling from the last time I went to the movies with him ahahaha meaning, he was being him from high school again lol He chose such close seats, so we had to look up a bit lol Side note of a movie review, the movie was so confusing LOL and the end still didn't answer anything. Rating: 4/10. The quality of the animation kept distracting me as well.
Oh, and we were accidentally matching stripes LOL he wore a striped shirt & I wore a romper with striped shorts.

After In-n-Out, we went to visit Louegie and Rayven at PokeSalad. I don't know why lol Louegie gave me such a soft wave; he's so squishy. (Ah, he also saw me drive by in the afternoon since Arianne was dropping him off to work. So now he knows who I met with afterward LOL) Rayven also gave me such a nice greeting haha. I was kinda glad Victor wasn't closing because it probably would've been a lil' awkward... But we waited until they finished closing, and after saying bye to them, we went to a park LOL but the park by Winco ended up having people there so we didn't go out. Oh and starting from after the movie, he kept opening the car door for me lolol feels... weird... ^^;

We were in his car for about an hour maybe? And we just talked about a lot of stuff. Really, it was just him talking LOL Meanwhile, I was contemplating about how and whether to tell him. And then midway talking he said "I just told you my whole life. Tell me stuff" lol but I didn't have anything to tell him. Slowly, I started to get it out of my system. Though it was in between more of his stories LOL It was really late, 11:30pm, past his bedtime lol so he was really sleepy. [We talked a lot so a lot of stuff I didn't include here lol] I was literally dying. The worst confession ever LOL I just wanted to run away but there's nowhere to run away to. ALL I WANTED WAS A TEDDY BEAR BECAUSE I WAS SO NERVOUS. So I finally got to the part where I regretted what I said 2 years ago and he said "Don't regret it. It's not like I was heartbroken or anything. We're still friends" (he said this in a not-so-serious way). So at this point I was ready to give up lol. Before this he asked if I had any guys (like within the 2 years) or if I had a crush on anyone. Technically, no lol And then I asked him and he was like "I'm not gonna lie, there were a few girls" and he was saying something more but said he wouldn't tell me because I'm too innocent. Sorta can guess what he was talking about, but also, not sure? lol

So then he takes me home, but we stay in his car again for another hour. He brings it up again & asks me what I wanna do about it, and I'm still panicking and I say I don't know. In the end, he asked again LOL
~
Him: No?
Me: No~
Him: No? It's a no again?? *whines* Why you do dissss
Me: -laughs exasperatedly- Nooo~ it's not a no~
Him: So it's a yes?
Me: -mumbles- Mm. It's a yes before I run away.
~
And this whole time I couldn't even face him lol He kept asking for a kiss but I couldn't do it ALSKDJF I still wanna scream right now lol .^.
We hugged after, which I thought was goodbye hug? But I guess not? lolol I might've tried to give him a peck on the cheek, but he felt that I was? so he turned his head and that took me by surprise. So when I did give him a kiss, I was so embarrassed I could die. We were still in the hug so I just buried my face in his shoulder LOL and he chuckled at me alsdkjflkadjsf
And then he said "You're so innocent. What am I gonna do with you?"
He knows that was my first kiss >x< [I am dying writing this & then A Pink's "I Like That Kiss" is playing. WHY IS ITUNES LIKE THIS ALSKDFJ]
*sighs* Anyway, it was almost 1am and I probably said "I need to go" like 3 times but yet, there I was lol And he said, "Mm, it's not like I'm stopping you." And true. LOL I probably didn't want to go x'D please save me.
(When I told Jim I ended up saying yes she gave me the OoO look and...
Jim: You did!?
Me: -nods-
Jim: whyyyy he's weirdddd
Me: because you said YOLO!
Jim: I didn't know you were gonna SEE him!
Me: x'D
but she approves that he doesn't smoke or vape lol)
--
[I'll try to finish this up fast lol]
For July 4th, he said he'd come after "work" but it was getting really late and I figured he's gonna be too tired to come over. It was almost 11pm when he messaged me that he couldn't come over. Then he made plans to wake up at 5AM to see the sunrise. I wasn't even sure if I could wake up that early LOL I sorta asked my mom if I could. She said I was crazy pft but she didn't say no.

SO. I ended up waking up before my alarm this morning (because I was sleeping in the crack of the bed & for some reason it was getting really hot. There was room on the bed for Jim, Jo, and the BLANKET. but not me LOL) I jumped when my alarm rang because it was so freakin' loud xD And then I was just scrolling through Twitter/FB when he messaged me if I was awake. And then finally I got up to change lol Sneaking around is so hard LOL Later he tells me, he didn't want to wake up so he was low-key hoping I wasn't awake lol The moment I left the house, my mom woke up and I was like omg I need to go xD And when I opened the door it CREAKED. SO. LOUD. I was abouta faint. (I tried to show Jim how loud the door creaked but it was SILENT) I got out the gate and I heard the door open LOL My mom knew I went out xD My goodness, it wasn't like I was really sneaking out, dang x'D
We were going to light some sparklers so we went to buy a lighter (which is now sitting in my room & I have no idea what to do with it) and was going to find some place to light it but ended up back at the house LOL we lit 'em outside and when we finished he was like "okay, our July 4th is done" or something along those lines haha Afterward, we went to find a place to watch the sunrise. I kept thinking mountains LOL but we were driving downtown and I was just thinking I haven't been on the roof of the parking garage... ahhh. xD So we went to the parking garage and waited for the sun to rise. Feel free to not read the rest LOL might be too mushy x'D

We just hugged, me facing the sun, & he was facing the garage. Kissed a few times but I was still not used to it >//x\\< If he touched somewhere I wasn't comfortable with I just hit him & he'd stop lol We were probably there for an hour and a half. He even talked about the future LOL he said, "it might be too far ahead for you but..." -proceeds to talk about how many kids he wants and how he's not gonna spoil them lol-
I can tell he was really tired. And the way we were standing & him leaning on the wall, his back must've hurt lol his legs ended up getting numb too xD He gave me so many pecks I didn't know what to do >///<
At some point I happened to turn around and a security car is driving toward us. I get scared because first of all, this is embarrassing, second, I thought we were going to get in trouble for being on the rooftop. So I just looked away and I guess the car just kept driving, and I don't know if he's lying but he said "that guy just gave me a thumbs up, and I gave him a thumbs up back." And then apparently the security drove by again, and thumbs-up again. Also, he found out my ears are ticklish.

He also mentioned that he was really waiting, that he wasn't really into anyone else. But who knows? That might be sweet talk. A lot of times, I don't know if he's serious or trying to be cool ^^;

After a while, we left the garage. And he wanted to give me a piggyback ride but we were both tired and he couldn't make it to the next level haha and then he just drops me xD Again, he opens the door for me. He drops me off home and Reno is looking at me like "who are you" ALSDKFJ

I didn't have the key to get in so I had to sneak back in from the back. I thought of staying up, but I wasn't leaving 'til afternoon, so I went back to sleep.
Ah, at this point, I feel like I will be a bad girl > <
My mom told me she thought my aunt came in the morning but saw me leave. She didn't know who I went with, but she guessed who it was LOL
--

He's being pushy with, uh, "stuff" & apologized for being pushy but I'm sure he's gonna be dwelling on that again. Ah, I don't know what to do with him.
He's worried about the long distance too, but what can we do~
Also, we're probably in that stage where you know, everything is kinda new and we're all clingy and whatnot ^^; Aish, this is not good for my kokoro at all. After being official, there are some things I'm more comfortable sending (like cutesy, lovey stickers) and doing, like holding hands and hugging. Ah, & he's so cheesyyyy ALKSDFJ
But the bad thing is, now I miss him easily x'D please send halp.

I'll end this here. Before I die some more lol
My sisters are gonna kill me ^^;

It's hard for me to keep stuff in huh? I mean, I did for a while, but there are times when I just want to tell someone TuT I ended up telling Minar first, then Arlene, then Jo, then Jen & Jim x'D They were all quite... interesting convos (except Jo pft). Some surprising info too LOL I told Jen & Jim more than I did Jo lolol

Jim asked, why did you say no 2 years ago? And when I told her, she was like YOLO. And I was like, you couldn't tell me that before? Jim: well I didn't know all this. LOL
And I forgot who said this but: Mom said it's not dad who's gonna spend the rest of his life with him. That cracked me up. It true but x'D
I wish I had courage 2 years ago...

Ah, well yesterday, we went KBBQ with Leo. Jen came to pick me up & we shopped. Leo & Jim went hiking. We met up at Gen. After eating, we had iTea. We were leaving later than expected & Jen & Jim weren't going to get to work on time so I said to just take me to SF, and I can just go back after they get off work. I napped for 2 hours, woke up and then cleaned Jim's room, facetiming Jo and Mom. Mom kept laughing at my miseryyy. Isaac brought down chicken legs but I ended up not eating them ^^; I didn't get back to SJ 'til 2am & I was super tired so I knocked out pretty fast.
---

I was supposed to talk about the "progress." So, after talking to Minar, I stared at my phone for so long before I finally sent the Pusheen sticker. Ahh, I was dying. I was going crazy. I was just gonna sleep, but he replied me 10min later, but I didn't reply him 'til 30min later because I already put my phone aside. It took me a while to sleep. He didn't reply me until late afternoon the next day. I was super anxious, but we've been talking the past 2 days. There was only 1 time we were on at the same time. Other times, he leaves me on "Read" and doesn't reply until super late, like yesterday, he read my message from either the last night or morning, but didn't reply me until 12am. He replies me at odd times. When he reads my message but doesn't reply me, I kinda worry haha. (The last message with him ends off with something he can't reply to so that's my fault ^^; Arlene told me to say something else but I didn't what to say either)

I don't remember if I mentioned how much this bothered me (I probably did) but after being able to talk to him, I was more at ease, and wasn't as bothered as much. I feel like, even if I never brought it up, never got an answer, I'm fine with that. Maybe I just missed talking... -shrugs-
*I got distracted watching "Prince Wolf" lol but even this ep.8 had a lot of romance advice ALKSDFJK*
Well, either way...
--
Ooh! Also, I built my cart from Michael's today! With the wheels, it won't fit under my table, but Steph let me put it by the door under the light switch. I did organize stuff there (not exactly as I imagined how I would clean my room) but now it just looks crowded even though everything's in its place lol

Yesterday I finished "Ossan's Love" (2018) and uh, it's so cringey I can't, though I laughed a lot. I think it's comedy romance. But anyway, some parts do get intense. Last 2 episodes were a mess, though it ended on a happy note & I was satisfied with that. (Okay, but maybe I wished for a lil' bit longer of their lovey-dovey moments where Haruta finally accepts that he does like Maki and admits it.)
[The ending where Maki surprisingly forces a kiss on Haruta, which Haruta hates, but then he returns so sweetly KILLED ME. Haruta's (funny) confession to Maki hit me hard. My baby Maki finally gets his love returned.]

There were so many important points in the movie. And I hate how I keep relating it back to my situation right now (it's not really a situation???) But the end where Chizu-san told Maki that he should tell Haruta what he really thinks so he doesn't regret anything made me ponder...
Also, "running away before getting hurt"... the other party gets hurt just so you can be selfish you know?
最悪だ... that's why I don't have the courage to send him a message LOL I just thought, if I happen to see him over the summer I'll talk to him? But I highly doubt that's gonna happen ^^; I had a dream where I did happen to see him; he was working at a small coffee shop, Starbucks? I don't really remember what happened, but something like I waved? but all he had on was a poker face.

Ah, I'll blog a bit about my day yesterday later, but this morning I woke up at 8am. I think my biological clock is set ^^;
I woke up from a... weird dream. It felt like I had tears in my eyes? But it's not like they were falling. Maybe that's why I woke up... but also, when I woke up, my heart ached a bit. You know, it's really weird. This isn't the first time I felt a heartache of some sort (I think another one was because of a dream too...) But it just hurt a little bit. I don't even understand the dream. There was like a lover's quarrel, but he ended up being small like Mii-kun, even though he was a normal shortie at first. And then the boyfriend had to explain stuff? I don't know lolol

This morning was cool. The weather seems to have cooled down now. It's gonna be hot again. But I went to Academic Coffee, got a Dragon Pearl Green Tea (green tea + jasmine blend, it smelled good, wasn't too bitter but it wasn't sweet lol) and a churro custard muffin. After finishing, I asked to put up UP10TION posters and leave flyers. Afterward, I went home and watched Ossan's Love (2016). It's weird LOL so much cringe, but aww at the end xD so dumb lol Currently watching the drama series version. And, uh, also much cringe lol it's pretty comedic too. But so many love advice that so indirectly applies to me and I'm just like ALSKDFJ lol -sigh-

I don't know why it's bothering me so much...
And I don't have any courage ahahaha...haha..ha...

ANYWAY. I have work soon. I didn't even do anything for Jonathan x'D Oops.

Waking up early every day sure is taking a toll on me.

This was the first week for SOP. It's not like there's a lot for us to do, but I'm so tired after getting home. I literally napped every time I got home. Well, there's also the heat.
I didn't eat anything today, so I'm chilling at Tea Alley right now. Also, because I'm here to put up poster for U10. What am I to do with so many posterssss. I'm never joining a street team again OTL.

I went to the mall with Jessie after work. Technically, I left early since I wasn't even doing anything. Really there just to answer phone calls because they didn't want to answer. I got home so sleepy, that I accidentally fell asleep (again!) I slept for an hour, woke up, and went back to sleep again. I plan to make kimbap tonight... but what to have for dinner...

I'm still thinking about a cart for the room... maybe Michael's might barely fit... although I do want an iKEA one. I feel like, I'd have 2 carts anyway in the future LOL

Wow, I'm glad I decided to clean my room when the weather was cooler.

These past few days have been hitting 80 degrees +. I would not have survived in the apartment cleaning. I've been going out with Jessie a lot too, on top of going in to the office for SOP. I have work this weekend for Cinnaholic. Yesterday, I also accepted Jonathan's offer to work as an animator on his summer short. It was hard to make up an excuse to not accept it, but also, I want something worthy for my portfolio... I haven't gotten around to improving my technical skills. Mostly because I'm lazy :p
I've been napping a lot too because of the heat. Yesterday, it was so hot, I rolled out my yoga mat and slept on the floor. It barely helped.

Speaking of shopping with Jessie though, I got a few more supplies for my resin crafting. Though I didn't plan to get supplies at Michael's, it was too much of a hassle to be going to Target, Wal-mart, Home Depot, etc, since transportation is inconvenient, and I can't make Jessie my Uber LOL

I made my first resin prism. It came out better than I thought, but since I didn't pre-mix the resin & pastel, the prism came out more opaque than I wanted. I also found out, Daiso resin sucks at curing LOL I thought that my mini UV lamp just sucked, so I cured it like 3 times. The mold ended up being quite hot to the touch. There's a lot of bubbles on the top too because I let in too much air when I mixed. The last items I need are E600 glue & car wax for polishing LOL. While at Michael's, I also saw a 3-tier cart by Recollections. I wanted to get the Raskog cart from iKEA since it's better quality, but I think Raskog is a little bit too tall to fit under my desk. Since Michael's is a little shorter, it might just fit... also, I got's a coupon so it will be cheaper than iKEA's xD (otherwise, iKEA's would be cheaper by $5 lol) Ah, the inconvenience of no car.

I have just a little bit more to clean up in the room...

Oh, the past few days, I spent a lil' much on music ^^; but I couldn't help it~ I haven't been caught up with Bowen's releases, but he released another album sometime last year and I didn't know. It was $12.99 on iTunes because it was "partial album," which meant you had to buy each song separately. Plus, one song was an "Album Only" track. I found the album on Amazon Music for $8.99 for ALL 10 songs. BLESS. I didn't know they were going to give the "Album Only" track either.

Okay, gonna make kimbap tomorrow after work. Maybe after I stop by Tea Alley to put up poster...

I finally forced myself to clean up my room. Today wasn't too hot; actually it was pretty cloudy when I woke up.

My desk was super dusty, so that was what I tackled first. Dumped pretty much everything either on the floor or on my bed. Wiped down everything, then re-organized everything on it. Then I cleaned up under my bed as best as I could. I put away things ie. all my hobby/craft supplies in the boxes (I need new, better boxes x'D) Vacuumed and mopped. Moved a whole lot of my books out onto the living room table. It took me 2 hours+ to do, and then I had to go work. I was on a roll! x'D So I was almost late for work. I made it with 2 minutes left.
--work went well, though I was getting random headaches. Probably from the heat; & we were getting random rushes--
On my lunch break, I bumped into Genai at Boba Bar! So we chatted while I ate, & then she walked me back to work & I gave her my free roll lol The girl who works at Boba Bar is super nice! She always talks to me & she remembers me ahaha

After work, I came home & didn't even know where to start cleaning LOL I ended up putting everything back under my desk > < I really need a shelf...
Well, the room feels clean and organized... I still need to clean the closet shelf and my art supply "bag" in the closet. I have so much laundry this week, it's piling over. Since I did a thorough cleaning, I changed my bedsheets and pillow case, & flipped my bed (it's an old bed okay lolol) and re-organized my plushies. Everything feels neat now.
Tomorrow's my only day of break before I need to be up for SOP this summer, but guess how I'm spending it OTL

Gotta do laundry, probably 2 loads, and then gotta clean the closet and top shelf. I might as well move everything out of the closet, vacuum & mop too huh? OTL Time to let go and throw some things out too...

Oooh, since my credit card FINALLY works after so many issues, I went on a splurge & finally bought albums/songs from iTunes. Around $20. keke~ <3
Okay time to sleep!

Ahhh I'm thinking about it all again, I don't know why...
Everything's in the past. It's already been 3 years. Yet, here I am thinking about it again.
It was sorta floating in the back of my mind, but then Jessie *smh with a smile* She was teasing me when we were at Teahee. Not really teasing me, but she took a snap of me & showed me that she was gonna send it to him. Slightly shocked, I asked her why. She just devilishly smirked, shrugged, and said, "because he snapped me." ALSKDFJ lol
I spent the rest of the day at Jessie's watching random videos and clips 'til 12:30AM. Lying on the floor, at some point, I just started thinking too much ^^; The one moment I remember so clearly was, sophomore rally performance? I have a faint memory of having blogged about it.... but I don't know why. Maybe it was the pent-up stress and nervousness of the performance? After I finished I felt sick to the stomach. Instead of going back up to the bleachers, I sat on the floor near the open doors. I don't think anyone else noticed because I tried not to show it. But he came over to say that we did a great job. Maybe I gave too weak of a response, because he asked if I was okay. Of course, I'm gonna say I was fine. I think I told him I was just a lil' tired. He didn't ask further and just sat there with me.
I wish I can go back to the time.
Had I not been a coward in love, maybe things would've been different 3 years ago...

Currently listening to "The Truth Untold" by BTS. Ha. How true to how I feel right now...
I tried to sing along, but my voice is barely back. Where I can usually go falsetto, I can't even get a squeak out LOL

So speaking of getting better, work these past two days have been fun. I really missed going back to work. On Friday, the 1st day back at work, everyone kept asking if I'm feeling better. I'm feeling better, but I lost my voice LOL I did try to speak up, but it just wasn't working, so I resorted back to whispering. My co-workers were super cooperative and understanding of it. I couldn't call out the names, so whenever I finished an order, I'd get one of them to yell it out. I ended up being really quiet for my whole shift ^^; Towards the end of the day, Priscilla couldn't help but laugh at my whispering. She said it was funny that I had to go up to them to whisper a question etc, but that it wasn't funny that I was sick LOL When I was leaving, Liz and Elisa were like, hope you feel better xD and I tried to say bye to Daniel but of course he can't hear my whisper, & Liz & Elisa were like "BYE DANIEL" ahahahhaa
And then Saturday, my voice slowly started coming back. Still not loud enough, but I managed to do POS, though the customers had a hard time hearing me ^^; If it wasn't too loud I could manage a squeak of the name & they sometimes can hear me. Near the last few hours of work, Zeke came in. After some time, he came over & whispered "are you feeling better?" I couldn't help but laugh a little and told him yeah. He also worked with me at the toppings at some point, and the topping was banana but the writing was a lil' sloppy so he thought it was a different topping, but I told him it was just bananas. Another one was apples, & he never the cut the apple toppings before so I tried to explain it to him, but it was hard to explain it because first of all, I just kinda cut whatever. And that's also what I told him haha but not like I can talk that much anyway. He laughed a lil' & let me finish the order. Also, I was the one at the counter to call out orders, but he was working next to me & said "just let me know when you need me to call them out." One time, I didn't even say anything yet, and he already looked over the name & called it out. We also had a laugh because he pushed too hard & dropped the blueberries in the fridge x'D ahh, Zeke so funny.
Hmm, I don't work 'til Friday again.

Out of order, but today was really hot, so Jessie drove us to Wal-mart to escape the heat. and to buy stuff lol Afterward we went to Teahee for boba. Their uniforms are so cute~ Then we went to Eastridge because she didn't want to go home yet. We went to Round 1, and played some games (not a lot). She wanted a small Mamegoma so we tried for it. I got it on the first try, but it fell when the crane hit the top. Jessie was so shocked ahahaha And we tried a few more times & I forgot when but she just could not stop laughing lol. We were so close on like 3 tries. One time it was on its way to the hole, but dropped right before the hole. Knowing me, of course I came back to it and we tried some more. But then I pretty much ran out of credits ahaha no credit card so no refill for me :p At one of my retries, this dude suddenly plonked himself at the window ie. just slammed his palms onto the windows and stared at the crane. There goes my try ^^; He was like awww and walked away, his friends following him (I think 2 of them at the end were kinda cute but I only glanced at their faces). I just gave Jessie the what-the-heck-just-happened look and we just laughed.

Well, that's the day. I have training with Arlene tomorrow. I want to go out again already~ Can't wait 'til July 3/5 so I can watch "Fireworks" at Eastridge~

Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me, what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone whose life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts or at least we are getting there.

I kept the image on the left bc it was kawaii-ne~ & this above bc I really liked what the creator wrote ^^

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