If you read up on Zodiac readings (I am not sure what they're called), you'd know that this year is apparently fan tai sui (犯太歲) for the Ox-born people. I didn't know this, but fan tai sui happens at specific ages. Unfortunately for us, 24 is one of them LOL. How much of it is true, who knows. I didn't really look into it (I believe it also depends on time/star alignment when you were born--used to calculate how well you match with someone else in them olden days haha) I read it off here. While he's no expert, it was quite entertaining to look at.

As you can see, for the Ox, we got the short stick for the year. Y'all know it already, but wealth/career ain't happening this year! lol Though last Saturday (02/20/2021) was SHMCon, and I had a few sales which I am super grateful for. I knew a dry spell was going to happen after, though. Just because your Zodiac says it's going to be a bad year for you, doesn't mean you don't keep fighting. That first point said "Mooov them aside. Keep going." I think struggles are great in pushing ourselves to grow, though we may not enjoy/like them at all. While wealth/career are struggling, that's expected, let's hope health isn't bad, especially during this time in the pandemic...

But I guess what I wanted to say had to deal with relationships. Sure, I get one otter point out of five, but are we really going to let Zodiac/horoscope predictions define what we actually end up obtaining? It's like, if you let labels define you: though they weren't true, you started believing them, and you make them come true. You let the labels define you. I don't know if that made any sense. I haven't posted in a while because I hadn't the need to spill any tea. But I think the stress had built up, and I continued to keep everything in. It's not something I would blatantly complain to my sisters or friends, but in a way, I can spill tea to my blog. 

I can't remember if this happened last week, but just these past few days alone, we've fought. Saying the whole day would be incorrect, but it's a lot. One fight (I think it was last week?) almost ended with us breaking up. And if you didn't know, that was ~probably~ the third or fourth time we were close to breaking up LOL. It makes me think... how good it would be to be single again. At least you'll never be hurt :') I have nothing against romantic relationships though! I love love LOL but being in a relationship with someone who is not "you" will come with fights. They're not "you" in the sense that your habits, needs/wants, thought process-- just everything-- is not... "you." You and your partner may have that honeymoon phase where nothing either of you do will bother the other (we had quite a long one), but eventually, you will become comfortable with each other and each will have expectations of the other. Both of you will start "slacking" because there is no need to impress the other. In a good relationship, I think if that happens, neither of you would really mind. On the contrary, I think the changes will have negative effects and take a toll on the relationship.

...

And yet, when do you know it is time to part? 

I still cannot understand how anyone can part ways with a partner they spent years with. The same with, how can anyone who's been in a relationship bear to cheat on their partner. It doesn't make sense to me. I think I would understand if one has fallen out of love for their partner... (that still doesn't justify cheating; just cut it clean if that's how you really feel *rolls eyes*) Anyway, I digress.

So when/how would you know when one has become a hinderance to the other's growth? When/how would you know when you have become a negative influence on the other's life? Who defines these anyway? Also, how do you differentiate, not wanting to lose the way of life (you know, 'cause people hate changes) versus not wanting to lose material items versus not wanting to lose your partner... --ok this didn't make any sense. I don't know where I was trying to get at. ~ignore~

...

I think... that's where people break up for each other's good-- on mutual terms-- but in the worst case, heartbroken. (Did you know, I've felt my heartstrings break during one of our fights in the past? LOL like I really felt it. My chest did hurt... so much that I tried gripping it. Heh. I wonder if I posted about it... Even remembering all those times makes me sad... as someone who has pretty vivid memory...)

Even if we made it past those fights... what price did we have to pay for the rest of the time? How would it effect how we interact with each other? ... I dont' know.

~~

Nana, or any of you who read this, I don't want to discourage being in a relationship. I think being in one has their perks! Please just enjoy the time with your partner. In your dictionary, if they're worth the fight, I wish you stay strong and work things out. Ultimately, if you both agree it won't work out anymore, I wish you the best possible breakup (uh, that reads wrong LOL but I hope you understand my sentiment). Can a breakup happen with no heartbreak...? I guess that depends on the person. 

To be honest... if this relationship doesn't work out, I don't know if it'll work it out with another partner. I seem to be the catalyst pft. He's already patient with me as it is, but even he has a threshold for my "princess-tantrums." (Okay, it's not that I throw tantrums, but I get easily annoyed when things aren't done in a specific way, or if something is said that I don't like hearing-- it puts me in a really bad mood LOL and when I'm in a bad mood, I just don't want to talk. Let me simmer in my anger LOL but then that pisses him off.) Oop, no more details of my relationship lol.

Sometimes I would like to be left to myself...
love hurts, love anyway

I hate it.

Many people probably do. But we have no choice.

Applying to jobs would be manageable if only it was that simple. If only it was just submitting your resumé and application. But no. It's not that simple. It's always about connections. It's always about "putting yourself out there." If you're not the extrovert type, you join others in the lowest bracket of applicants. Never seen, if at all. At that point, it's not even your skills or merits that get you into the job. Of course, there's the argument that, even if you knew people, passing the interview is on you. Okay but right now, what are the chances of landing a job purely from an application?

Very low. You're supposed to "reach out." Follow up. And that's why they say job hunting is a full-time job. Back in the day, sure, a resumé would be good enough to get an interview. Nowadays with so many applicants and with applications being electronically screened by AI, chances are even slimmer. Companies don't have the time or manpower to send out rejection emails to every applicant, so you, as an applicant, is literally a sitting duck not knowing if your application was even seen. And not knowing why you were not shortlisted unless you follow-up. To who? You don't even know who saw your application.

Why isn't the application process easier for job hunters? Is it also a screening process? But why can't applicants find an addressee (for cover letters) easily? Maybe it's just me wanting things to more accessible.

But is that so much to ask?

Well wouldja look at that. It's the new year 2021 and I haven't blogged for a whole month *insert shocked Pikachu*

I've been feeling meh. What's new :p
What's better than a new year to get my shizz together. Again.
This morning I cleaned my desk and it feels good. No kidding that cleaning your space clears your mind.
And the end of December marks the end of my employment with SJAWP. I am currently unemployed oop oop. Was that good idea? Who knows...

BRAIN DUMP: I need to continue to apply to jobs (need to make new shots for an updated reel + update resume), work on merch for my shop (my polar bear/seal set + CNY merch), take Youtubing more seriously aka be more consistent/plan ahead etc.

I actually spent Christmas back home. And I was feeling super recharged! but as soon as I got back to San Jose, all that was gone. Ha. Ha. So I'm trying to get back into it by watching studio vlogs. Watching Tiffany making plushies for her RISD finals makes me want to get back to my crafts ToT maybe I'll crochet since that's the only craft I have here HMM.
Also because of this break, I realized a break is a good break when I stop stressing over the fact that I haven't created. Like, forcing myself to create really doesn't help. Thinking about it all also doesn't help. I felt rested when I was at home because I didn't have my tablet staring at me to create LOL

I have been playing a ton of Genshin Impact just because there was an ongoing event so I was grinding. The event ended 2 days ago so 

Side note: Robin met us halfway in Hayward on my way back to SJ, and we went to Hippie's Brew and got the Yoncé. It was good!

I've also been craving snacks like cookies and chips... woops.

This is something I've always wanted to do and finally did it. My online store is live at sheepndreams on Etsy!

I've had so much support from family and friends ToT I don't expect much from the first launch day, and in the future for a while as a matter of fact. But I am glad I took this first step. I am still nervous about managing it, worried about unsatisfied customers, etc, but I'll get to that when they happen right?

The past week or so I've been test printing and fighting my Cricut to do the job correctly. Cutting for sticker sheets is still a pain in the peaches, but I managed. And because I've been preparing for the shop launch, I haven't done any new art related things. I should finish that "vlog" (do I even have enough content for it? lol) and make some new tutorials. My channel is starting to become a gaming channel lol

Speaking of gaming, I've also started streaming Friday nights on Twitch. Also no viewers haha mainly my sisters and Jo's friend. It's still fun but it does get awkward heh.

Today I hung out with Steph and Arlene. We had pho for lunch + Tastea, takeout of course. Then we went to Leafy in Santana Row. Luckily it was on the outskirts of the outlet, and it was pretty empty. I got a coffee plant! I hope I can keep it alive enough heh.

After getting home, I decided to "deep clean" my desk. Quotes because it still has a lot of stuff on the table, but neater! Instead of stacking all my books and papers, I had them standing next to my monitor. Maybe I'll bring back my book stand from home... but currently it's just being held up with a bottle of supplements. I also wiped down the table and cleaned the dust off my monitor/stand before putting everything back. Feels nice :D

I've been really pushing myself to be making content... but I think I'm unconsciously mentally draining myself creatively (all those -ings LOL) I do feel good when I'm able to post something.

I'm pretty sure this slump started from that chicken/fruit tart DTIYS lol on top of that, I wanted to do a painterly-style for Asia's birthday DTIYS, and I was very iffy about my sketch -- like, I kind of liked it, but also hated it. So I took a break from it, rightly so. 

I get into this art slump very easily because I don't really have a strong foundation, which also makes my art very inconsistent. So I want to improve myself! I started off by watching a lot of foundation videos on Youtube (Sinix is very good for detailed explanations), then I pushed myself to actually do studies! I'm starting with lips, I don't know why haha. Next is probably eyes? or nose. Eventually I would have the whole face/head studied! Of course, I can't be tunnel-visioned in only studying the lips, I also gotta study human anatomy as a whole, so I really need to practice gesture drawing. Need to break apart the whole anatomy and study bits and pieces. While at first I did Croquis Cafe videos, it wasn't... enjoyable? I don't know, I feel like I need something to break the monotony...
I found this video/playlist/channel today! I can't understand a thing he says LOL at least it feels like I'm in class with someone? He also chooses random "topics" to draw, so it's not always a full body, which is good. I think I'll do videos between CC and his. I also watch a lot of art/studio vlogs, and to be honest, they've just been keeping my afloat instead of that usual push of inspo/motivation...

I am also very glad to have two books with me: "Sketch with Asia" and "Sketch Every Day with Simone Grunewald." Having those books visually there keeps my motivation up a bit more. Excited to start/keep studying them :)

--

My mind goes faster than what I can achieve. It also has ideas that I am... "afraid" to accomplish, to start. I'm resisting so much because... I'm scared to fail? Even though a part of me tells me, "you can do it... if others can do, you can too" it's just so hard to actually DO IT. It's about a month or two later than I had hoped to launch my online store. I have so much support from my sisters and Robin, I don't want to disappoint... Plus I'm still jobless, so I also want to work on my animation skills, but everything I do takes time and there's only so much time in a day...

Well, I guess that's off my chest. I probably have more stuff I wanted to say but he HAD to keep interrupting me because the typing is TOO LOUD for him -.- Granted he is at work but it's not my fault this keyboard is clacking. HMPH.

This morning I finally tried to make a Jollidog at home. It was not.. the same :(

I followed a recipe from hellthyjunkfood, and their video seemed different from their recipe, and I didn't really like the way they edited their video because they didn't really show how they cooked some parts and stuff. Not to mention I didn't have any measuring tools so I just, uh, used a regular cup and tried to match their video, which of course, didn't help.

Definitely need to add more milk, more cheese, and less mayo. bleh. It was fun though~

I spent today sketching out some sticker ideas. And thinking about future studio vlogs...
Speaking of which, remember Shikki knocked down my tripod with my camcorder, and it goes all glitchy if I try to flip the screen? (I don't know if I ever posted that lol) Anyway, I tried to fix it, and now it's completely broken LOLOL OTL It just shows a white screen now ToT

I mean, I've been wanting to get a better camera, but I would have liked to keep using my camcorder LOL Oh wells. It was a risk I was expecting...

Also, tonight I tried to drop off my ballot, but that didn't work OTL. I was so annoyed there were no ballot boxes out there.. I mean it was late so I guess. 

I think I'm getting back into my groove, so hopefully I will start recording videos again~

Another week has gone by.

It's been a good week :) Sunday was my 23rd birthday, and it went by pretty uneventful? I did spend the day with my sisters in Daly City though, and meeting Miko for the first time. (Also wow, I haven't played piano in soooo long, and my muscle memory failed me for "Wedding Dress" xD but it only took about 10-20 minutes of looking over the music sheet to get it back lol)

Lately I have been lazy with anything creative ^^; I recently just finished an animation commission though --which took me waaay too long-- and I guess I'm feeling a little burnt out? but burn out doesn't seem to be the right word haha. I just am very tired... animating LOL even though I like the end result hehe. Hoping to open commissions later all the same. I think the idea of starting a shop is just... daunting? I have all these ideas in my head but can't seem to execute them.

I'm starting to do other stuff again, starting off with another draw this in your style lol I also want to do something ---ah I got distracted watching apple.cheeks' studio vlog LOL--- I lost my train of thought and have no idea what that "something" is LOL

Ah! Do something with my portfolio LOL I have been neglecting job hunt and my portfolio to be honest. I've already applied to jobs with my current portfolio, and unless I change stuff in it, it is pointless to apply again with the same portfolio that's been rejected. I also want to incorporate some motion design stuff, and maybe get a job as a motion designer instead. I guess we'll see?

I really need to start realizing my online store. I think I finally settled on a store name that I won't regret!? It came to me when I was showering LOL and I had that "that's it!" epiphany feeling, like I had with my major/career "change" lol I really need to keep practicing drawing. I haven't done any figure drawing/life studies, which I really need to. Whoops.

This update become many "I-need-to-do"s hehe gotta start ACTING on my shizzz

It's been a while, but I finally got to cook curry~ hehe.
It takes a lot of prep time (I mean, I'm no pro so it takes me longer haha) but for some reason, it is definitely my go to dish.

About 2 weeks ago, I suspected I had a UTI. That Saturday, I started getting a fever, so the next day I went to urgent care. Because it had infected my right kidney 🙃 I was really hoping it'd go away on its own, but it didn't. And it actually got kind of worse. Anyway, I was on antibiotics for a week, but the first couple of days, by fever would keep coming back. The doc had given me Tylenol too, but ugh, I hated sweating every night. He had told me to go back in 2 days for a check-up, but I got a different doctor, and she thought Covid-19 was complicating my fever since I shouldn't be having fevers after starting antibiotics (no, I tested negative :D ). She switched my antibiotics for a slightly stronger one. Meds were expensive :( She also sent my urine for a culture test (a little late for that, no?). It came back positive for E.coli, and both antibiotics are effective against it. The stronger one, well, was stronger haha. I suspected my fever would have been gone after that day either way, but who knows. It stopped hurting when I used the restroom after I started antibiotics, and my back (kidney) pain was gone after taking the stronger antibiotic (the "weaker" one was helping, but definitely taking longer to attack the bacteria hah)

I've also accepted an animation commission from my friend Linda, but ended up being bed-ridden for a week so I couldn't work on it in time for her and her boyfriend's anniversary :( I've been working on it every day this week though! I definitely underestimated the time it takes to finish it. $250 isn't cutting it LOL but it feels $$$ even to me ^^; With how many hours I've spent on it, I'm about to be making $10/hr woops.

Ah, I was supposed to prep for store launch but the train has left for now. I don't feel like working on the actual store... still down for making merch though :p

 This morning I woke up crying. Probably because my dream-me was bawling, and I don't know why. Also because I woke up at 7:30am (by alarm) and Robin went to get groceries with his brother LOL

I was sneezing so much last night, like I had full-on allergies, with a stuffy nose. I ended up taking DayQuil pills (I prefer liquid Nyquil though lol) but it looks like it did the job, and I slept well. Woke up with no more stuff nose. I continued sneezing after blowing my nose though -.-

Anyway, yesterday we fixed up my desk setup (well, he did since he didn't like how "cluttered" my setup was), and so, I'm switching over to Windows. At least just my art stuff. I don't want to part with my Macbook since it literally has everything on there lol it took a few hours to get my Clip Studio Paint settings uploaded to cloud and restored to the PC CSP. I have to make adjustments. I'm trying to recreate the CSP layout as close to the Mac version as possible, but I couldn't even get my brushes from my hard drive because Windows can't read the Mac-formatted drive. Which is where the unnecessary frustration comes from.

I was SOO annoyed with it because I swear I could read the drive before... so in order to use the drive with the PC, I need to reformat it. WHICH MEANS. I need to transfer all my files to another drive. We have a 2TB drive, which is taking forever to move to another storage. AND THEN. I gotta wait for everything to transfer from my 4TB (~2TB worth of stuff) to the 2TB drive.
*So I thought you gotta pay for Paragon for Windows, but you can actually download Paragon for free from Seagate. I downloaded it because I have a good feeling that it would work, and was getting happy that I would not need to format my drive, but he said not to trust software, don't download extra software etc etc etc *rolls eyes*
Fine. We'll do it the long way then.

It's not even a big problem, so I don't even know why I was extremely pissed at the whole situation.

 BT21 released a new playlist called "Rainy Garden ASMR." Just what I needed after a stressful day yesterday.

Currently typing on the stairs in the new apartment because I'm tired of sitting at my desk (unsurprisingly messy). Yesterday I finally started to do some work for that project I joined. Guess what? I low-key regret signing that contract and working with them. They're good people, don't get me wrong but the communication, the workflow... it's just not working for me. Ie. the character designs were no longer the final designs (this is a huge problem because how do you expect storyboard artists to do their work?) I can still work through it until the end of my contract though, so I will definitely be fine. 

I did some storyboarding. This really stressed me out. It's been so long since I've storyboarded, and I'm definitely not cut out to be a storyboard artist hah. 
--gah! there's an annoying fly--
The shot list was a mess... I had to go back and forth between the shot list and the script. Giving me a headache.. and I ended up doing some thumbs. Since we technically don't have character designs anymore, the substitute characters were generic. And I guess this works for a small production, but at this rate, we won't even be able to start animation until the end of my contract 🙃

I spent 4 hours. FOUR goddang hours on the thumbs. Unpaid PFT. I'm trying to limit only working 1-2 hours on this project. ~and that's what I did this morning~ I'm also giving myself a lot of pressure to produce "perfect" work, again, but 1) I'm not working with professionals, 2) I'm definitely not being paid enough for perfect to extra work, and 3) it's a small project that probably won't be on my resume ultimately.

So after that unnecessary stress, we went to IKEA to get Robin a desk. I was already feeling pretty bummed and tired, and then going to IKEA was actually stressful too. There was some fun to it, but he was annoyed/frustrated with something else as well. And it felt like he just wanted to get the table and go. Afterwards, I was texting with Jobee and she was spilling a lot of deets that added to my existing stress. I mean, I told her to tell me anyway. Stuff just weighed on me. It is a really bad idea to let negative thoughts + overthinking ferment in your mind. It's sooo heavy. But it was also something I didn't and couldn't get myself to talk about. I just want to be selfish... but then I'll just feel guilty.

From Jo last night, non-verbatim: stop trying to please others, please yourself // "REMEMBER this JOHN LOCKE or SOME HOBBES DUDE. ONCE SAID ALL HUMANS ARE BORN INNATELY SELFISH."-- had to quote her on this because it's funny.

I still have to call Dad and tell him we moved. Ahh I hate dealing with this, but in the long run, everything should be better... hopefully... Well, what can I do? We all grow up...

 It's been so long since I've updated. And mostly because it was too much work moving my Huion out of the way and bringing down my laptop from the glass stand.

As the title suggests, we've moved! Robin and I moved everything that was ours to the new place. On Saturday, we'll be moving his brother and the rest of the stuff over here, as well as going back to Stockton to pick up some stuff. I spent most of this morning cleaning because things were dusty, plus the windows were open so there was a lot of ash on the sills. It feels soo nice to finally have our own kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom.

This still isn't the kind of studio I had in mind, but with him who likes to be able to "leave at a moment's notice," I can't really decorate it the way I want. Especially with his mindset of wanting to buy a cheaper house somewhere else. So, everything right now is temporary. Moving was a hassle but still better than when I moved from my old apartments ahahhaa. I've left most of my stuff at home, sadly.

--

I've also taken some steps forward with my business! There's still a long ways to go, but I'm happy with the progress I've been making. It's been tough keeping myself motivated, so that's why I watch a lot of studio vlogs! Heh.

Also, since there's more room now, maybe I'll learn some dances? hehe

 I thought I had a lot to say, but I kept postponing on blogging that I already don't remember haha.

I did start working towards opening my own online store though~ That's been keeping me pretty busy + doing commissions on the side (free for my sisters LOL) There's been a heatwave these past couple of days, and I can't wait for cooler days. Yesterday, there was a crazy dry thunderstorm. At 6am, we got awoken by thunder from a lightning strike, presumably. The loudest thunder I've ever heard.

Anyway, my period also came a little late... but it's also not a consistent period, so I was stressing out and getting paranoid. I should be fine though...

I need to get back to uploading artwork to my IG and videos to YT. I had a week break since Robin took the week off from work. I have so many ideas/projects I want to work on, but it takes so much time to actually finish something. But I finally pushed myself to work on something (because I've been being lazy and pushing off actually creating the sticker sheet). Test prints today!

I have yet to unbox the Cricut... lol

If you read up on Zodiac readings (I am not sure what they're called), you'd know that this year is apparently fan tai sui (犯太歲) for the Ox-born people. I didn't know this, but fan tai sui happens at specific ages. Unfortunately for us, 24 is one of them LOL. How much of it is true, who knows. I didn't really look into it (I believe it also depends on time/star alignment when you were born--used to calculate how well you match with someone else in them olden days haha) I read it off here. While he's no expert, it was quite entertaining to look at.

As you can see, for the Ox, we got the short stick for the year. Y'all know it already, but wealth/career ain't happening this year! lol Though last Saturday (02/20/2021) was SHMCon, and I had a few sales which I am super grateful for. I knew a dry spell was going to happen after, though. Just because your Zodiac says it's going to be a bad year for you, doesn't mean you don't keep fighting. That first point said "Mooov them aside. Keep going." I think struggles are great in pushing ourselves to grow, though we may not enjoy/like them at all. While wealth/career are struggling, that's expected, let's hope health isn't bad, especially during this time in the pandemic...

But I guess what I wanted to say had to deal with relationships. Sure, I get one otter point out of five, but are we really going to let Zodiac/horoscope predictions define what we actually end up obtaining? It's like, if you let labels define you: though they weren't true, you started believing them, and you make them come true. You let the labels define you. I don't know if that made any sense. I haven't posted in a while because I hadn't the need to spill any tea. But I think the stress had built up, and I continued to keep everything in. It's not something I would blatantly complain to my sisters or friends, but in a way, I can spill tea to my blog. 

I can't remember if this happened last week, but just these past few days alone, we've fought. Saying the whole day would be incorrect, but it's a lot. One fight (I think it was last week?) almost ended with us breaking up. And if you didn't know, that was ~probably~ the third or fourth time we were close to breaking up LOL. It makes me think... how good it would be to be single again. At least you'll never be hurt :') I have nothing against romantic relationships though! I love love LOL but being in a relationship with someone who is not "you" will come with fights. They're not "you" in the sense that your habits, needs/wants, thought process-- just everything-- is not... "you." You and your partner may have that honeymoon phase where nothing either of you do will bother the other (we had quite a long one), but eventually, you will become comfortable with each other and each will have expectations of the other. Both of you will start "slacking" because there is no need to impress the other. In a good relationship, I think if that happens, neither of you would really mind. On the contrary, I think the changes will have negative effects and take a toll on the relationship.

...

And yet, when do you know it is time to part? 

I still cannot understand how anyone can part ways with a partner they spent years with. The same with, how can anyone who's been in a relationship bear to cheat on their partner. It doesn't make sense to me. I think I would understand if one has fallen out of love for their partner... (that still doesn't justify cheating; just cut it clean if that's how you really feel *rolls eyes*) Anyway, I digress.

So when/how would you know when one has become a hinderance to the other's growth? When/how would you know when you have become a negative influence on the other's life? Who defines these anyway? Also, how do you differentiate, not wanting to lose the way of life (you know, 'cause people hate changes) versus not wanting to lose material items versus not wanting to lose your partner... --ok this didn't make any sense. I don't know where I was trying to get at. ~ignore~

...

I think... that's where people break up for each other's good-- on mutual terms-- but in the worst case, heartbroken. (Did you know, I've felt my heartstrings break during one of our fights in the past? LOL like I really felt it. My chest did hurt... so much that I tried gripping it. Heh. I wonder if I posted about it... Even remembering all those times makes me sad... as someone who has pretty vivid memory...)

Even if we made it past those fights... what price did we have to pay for the rest of the time? How would it effect how we interact with each other? ... I dont' know.

~~

Nana, or any of you who read this, I don't want to discourage being in a relationship. I think being in one has their perks! Please just enjoy the time with your partner. In your dictionary, if they're worth the fight, I wish you stay strong and work things out. Ultimately, if you both agree it won't work out anymore, I wish you the best possible breakup (uh, that reads wrong LOL but I hope you understand my sentiment). Can a breakup happen with no heartbreak...? I guess that depends on the person. 

To be honest... if this relationship doesn't work out, I don't know if it'll work it out with another partner. I seem to be the catalyst pft. He's already patient with me as it is, but even he has a threshold for my "princess-tantrums." (Okay, it's not that I throw tantrums, but I get easily annoyed when things aren't done in a specific way, or if something is said that I don't like hearing-- it puts me in a really bad mood LOL and when I'm in a bad mood, I just don't want to talk. Let me simmer in my anger LOL but then that pisses him off.) Oop, no more details of my relationship lol.

Sometimes I would like to be left to myself...
love hurts, love anyway

I hate it.

Many people probably do. But we have no choice.

Applying to jobs would be manageable if only it was that simple. If only it was just submitting your resumé and application. But no. It's not that simple. It's always about connections. It's always about "putting yourself out there." If you're not the extrovert type, you join others in the lowest bracket of applicants. Never seen, if at all. At that point, it's not even your skills or merits that get you into the job. Of course, there's the argument that, even if you knew people, passing the interview is on you. Okay but right now, what are the chances of landing a job purely from an application?

Very low. You're supposed to "reach out." Follow up. And that's why they say job hunting is a full-time job. Back in the day, sure, a resumé would be good enough to get an interview. Nowadays with so many applicants and with applications being electronically screened by AI, chances are even slimmer. Companies don't have the time or manpower to send out rejection emails to every applicant, so you, as an applicant, is literally a sitting duck not knowing if your application was even seen. And not knowing why you were not shortlisted unless you follow-up. To who? You don't even know who saw your application.

Why isn't the application process easier for job hunters? Is it also a screening process? But why can't applicants find an addressee (for cover letters) easily? Maybe it's just me wanting things to more accessible.

But is that so much to ask?

Well wouldja look at that. It's the new year 2021 and I haven't blogged for a whole month *insert shocked Pikachu*

I've been feeling meh. What's new :p
What's better than a new year to get my shizz together. Again.
This morning I cleaned my desk and it feels good. No kidding that cleaning your space clears your mind.
And the end of December marks the end of my employment with SJAWP. I am currently unemployed oop oop. Was that good idea? Who knows...

BRAIN DUMP: I need to continue to apply to jobs (need to make new shots for an updated reel + update resume), work on merch for my shop (my polar bear/seal set + CNY merch), take Youtubing more seriously aka be more consistent/plan ahead etc.

I actually spent Christmas back home. And I was feeling super recharged! but as soon as I got back to San Jose, all that was gone. Ha. Ha. So I'm trying to get back into it by watching studio vlogs. Watching Tiffany making plushies for her RISD finals makes me want to get back to my crafts ToT maybe I'll crochet since that's the only craft I have here HMM.
Also because of this break, I realized a break is a good break when I stop stressing over the fact that I haven't created. Like, forcing myself to create really doesn't help. Thinking about it all also doesn't help. I felt rested when I was at home because I didn't have my tablet staring at me to create LOL

I have been playing a ton of Genshin Impact just because there was an ongoing event so I was grinding. The event ended 2 days ago so 

Side note: Robin met us halfway in Hayward on my way back to SJ, and we went to Hippie's Brew and got the Yoncé. It was good!

I've also been craving snacks like cookies and chips... woops.

This is something I've always wanted to do and finally did it. My online store is live at sheepndreams on Etsy!

I've had so much support from family and friends ToT I don't expect much from the first launch day, and in the future for a while as a matter of fact. But I am glad I took this first step. I am still nervous about managing it, worried about unsatisfied customers, etc, but I'll get to that when they happen right?

The past week or so I've been test printing and fighting my Cricut to do the job correctly. Cutting for sticker sheets is still a pain in the peaches, but I managed. And because I've been preparing for the shop launch, I haven't done any new art related things. I should finish that "vlog" (do I even have enough content for it? lol) and make some new tutorials. My channel is starting to become a gaming channel lol

Speaking of gaming, I've also started streaming Friday nights on Twitch. Also no viewers haha mainly my sisters and Jo's friend. It's still fun but it does get awkward heh.

Today I hung out with Steph and Arlene. We had pho for lunch + Tastea, takeout of course. Then we went to Leafy in Santana Row. Luckily it was on the outskirts of the outlet, and it was pretty empty. I got a coffee plant! I hope I can keep it alive enough heh.

After getting home, I decided to "deep clean" my desk. Quotes because it still has a lot of stuff on the table, but neater! Instead of stacking all my books and papers, I had them standing next to my monitor. Maybe I'll bring back my book stand from home... but currently it's just being held up with a bottle of supplements. I also wiped down the table and cleaned the dust off my monitor/stand before putting everything back. Feels nice :D

I've been really pushing myself to be making content... but I think I'm unconsciously mentally draining myself creatively (all those -ings LOL) I do feel good when I'm able to post something.

I'm pretty sure this slump started from that chicken/fruit tart DTIYS lol on top of that, I wanted to do a painterly-style for Asia's birthday DTIYS, and I was very iffy about my sketch -- like, I kind of liked it, but also hated it. So I took a break from it, rightly so. 

I get into this art slump very easily because I don't really have a strong foundation, which also makes my art very inconsistent. So I want to improve myself! I started off by watching a lot of foundation videos on Youtube (Sinix is very good for detailed explanations), then I pushed myself to actually do studies! I'm starting with lips, I don't know why haha. Next is probably eyes? or nose. Eventually I would have the whole face/head studied! Of course, I can't be tunnel-visioned in only studying the lips, I also gotta study human anatomy as a whole, so I really need to practice gesture drawing. Need to break apart the whole anatomy and study bits and pieces. While at first I did Croquis Cafe videos, it wasn't... enjoyable? I don't know, I feel like I need something to break the monotony...
I found this video/playlist/channel today! I can't understand a thing he says LOL at least it feels like I'm in class with someone? He also chooses random "topics" to draw, so it's not always a full body, which is good. I think I'll do videos between CC and his. I also watch a lot of art/studio vlogs, and to be honest, they've just been keeping my afloat instead of that usual push of inspo/motivation...

I am also very glad to have two books with me: "Sketch with Asia" and "Sketch Every Day with Simone Grunewald." Having those books visually there keeps my motivation up a bit more. Excited to start/keep studying them :)

--

My mind goes faster than what I can achieve. It also has ideas that I am... "afraid" to accomplish, to start. I'm resisting so much because... I'm scared to fail? Even though a part of me tells me, "you can do it... if others can do, you can too" it's just so hard to actually DO IT. It's about a month or two later than I had hoped to launch my online store. I have so much support from my sisters and Robin, I don't want to disappoint... Plus I'm still jobless, so I also want to work on my animation skills, but everything I do takes time and there's only so much time in a day...

Well, I guess that's off my chest. I probably have more stuff I wanted to say but he HAD to keep interrupting me because the typing is TOO LOUD for him -.- Granted he is at work but it's not my fault this keyboard is clacking. HMPH.

This morning I finally tried to make a Jollidog at home. It was not.. the same :(

I followed a recipe from hellthyjunkfood, and their video seemed different from their recipe, and I didn't really like the way they edited their video because they didn't really show how they cooked some parts and stuff. Not to mention I didn't have any measuring tools so I just, uh, used a regular cup and tried to match their video, which of course, didn't help.

Definitely need to add more milk, more cheese, and less mayo. bleh. It was fun though~

I spent today sketching out some sticker ideas. And thinking about future studio vlogs...
Speaking of which, remember Shikki knocked down my tripod with my camcorder, and it goes all glitchy if I try to flip the screen? (I don't know if I ever posted that lol) Anyway, I tried to fix it, and now it's completely broken LOLOL OTL It just shows a white screen now ToT

I mean, I've been wanting to get a better camera, but I would have liked to keep using my camcorder LOL Oh wells. It was a risk I was expecting...

Also, tonight I tried to drop off my ballot, but that didn't work OTL. I was so annoyed there were no ballot boxes out there.. I mean it was late so I guess. 

I think I'm getting back into my groove, so hopefully I will start recording videos again~

Another week has gone by.

It's been a good week :) Sunday was my 23rd birthday, and it went by pretty uneventful? I did spend the day with my sisters in Daly City though, and meeting Miko for the first time. (Also wow, I haven't played piano in soooo long, and my muscle memory failed me for "Wedding Dress" xD but it only took about 10-20 minutes of looking over the music sheet to get it back lol)

Lately I have been lazy with anything creative ^^; I recently just finished an animation commission though --which took me waaay too long-- and I guess I'm feeling a little burnt out? but burn out doesn't seem to be the right word haha. I just am very tired... animating LOL even though I like the end result hehe. Hoping to open commissions later all the same. I think the idea of starting a shop is just... daunting? I have all these ideas in my head but can't seem to execute them.

I'm starting to do other stuff again, starting off with another draw this in your style lol I also want to do something ---ah I got distracted watching apple.cheeks' studio vlog LOL--- I lost my train of thought and have no idea what that "something" is LOL

Ah! Do something with my portfolio LOL I have been neglecting job hunt and my portfolio to be honest. I've already applied to jobs with my current portfolio, and unless I change stuff in it, it is pointless to apply again with the same portfolio that's been rejected. I also want to incorporate some motion design stuff, and maybe get a job as a motion designer instead. I guess we'll see?

I really need to start realizing my online store. I think I finally settled on a store name that I won't regret!? It came to me when I was showering LOL and I had that "that's it!" epiphany feeling, like I had with my major/career "change" lol I really need to keep practicing drawing. I haven't done any figure drawing/life studies, which I really need to. Whoops.

This update become many "I-need-to-do"s hehe gotta start ACTING on my shizzz

It's been a while, but I finally got to cook curry~ hehe.
It takes a lot of prep time (I mean, I'm no pro so it takes me longer haha) but for some reason, it is definitely my go to dish.

About 2 weeks ago, I suspected I had a UTI. That Saturday, I started getting a fever, so the next day I went to urgent care. Because it had infected my right kidney 🙃 I was really hoping it'd go away on its own, but it didn't. And it actually got kind of worse. Anyway, I was on antibiotics for a week, but the first couple of days, by fever would keep coming back. The doc had given me Tylenol too, but ugh, I hated sweating every night. He had told me to go back in 2 days for a check-up, but I got a different doctor, and she thought Covid-19 was complicating my fever since I shouldn't be having fevers after starting antibiotics (no, I tested negative :D ). She switched my antibiotics for a slightly stronger one. Meds were expensive :( She also sent my urine for a culture test (a little late for that, no?). It came back positive for E.coli, and both antibiotics are effective against it. The stronger one, well, was stronger haha. I suspected my fever would have been gone after that day either way, but who knows. It stopped hurting when I used the restroom after I started antibiotics, and my back (kidney) pain was gone after taking the stronger antibiotic (the "weaker" one was helping, but definitely taking longer to attack the bacteria hah)

I've also accepted an animation commission from my friend Linda, but ended up being bed-ridden for a week so I couldn't work on it in time for her and her boyfriend's anniversary :( I've been working on it every day this week though! I definitely underestimated the time it takes to finish it. $250 isn't cutting it LOL but it feels $$$ even to me ^^; With how many hours I've spent on it, I'm about to be making $10/hr woops.

Ah, I was supposed to prep for store launch but the train has left for now. I don't feel like working on the actual store... still down for making merch though :p

 This morning I woke up crying. Probably because my dream-me was bawling, and I don't know why. Also because I woke up at 7:30am (by alarm) and Robin went to get groceries with his brother LOL

I was sneezing so much last night, like I had full-on allergies, with a stuffy nose. I ended up taking DayQuil pills (I prefer liquid Nyquil though lol) but it looks like it did the job, and I slept well. Woke up with no more stuff nose. I continued sneezing after blowing my nose though -.-

Anyway, yesterday we fixed up my desk setup (well, he did since he didn't like how "cluttered" my setup was), and so, I'm switching over to Windows. At least just my art stuff. I don't want to part with my Macbook since it literally has everything on there lol it took a few hours to get my Clip Studio Paint settings uploaded to cloud and restored to the PC CSP. I have to make adjustments. I'm trying to recreate the CSP layout as close to the Mac version as possible, but I couldn't even get my brushes from my hard drive because Windows can't read the Mac-formatted drive. Which is where the unnecessary frustration comes from.

I was SOO annoyed with it because I swear I could read the drive before... so in order to use the drive with the PC, I need to reformat it. WHICH MEANS. I need to transfer all my files to another drive. We have a 2TB drive, which is taking forever to move to another storage. AND THEN. I gotta wait for everything to transfer from my 4TB (~2TB worth of stuff) to the 2TB drive.
*So I thought you gotta pay for Paragon for Windows, but you can actually download Paragon for free from Seagate. I downloaded it because I have a good feeling that it would work, and was getting happy that I would not need to format my drive, but he said not to trust software, don't download extra software etc etc etc *rolls eyes*
Fine. We'll do it the long way then.

It's not even a big problem, so I don't even know why I was extremely pissed at the whole situation.

 BT21 released a new playlist called "Rainy Garden ASMR." Just what I needed after a stressful day yesterday.

Currently typing on the stairs in the new apartment because I'm tired of sitting at my desk (unsurprisingly messy). Yesterday I finally started to do some work for that project I joined. Guess what? I low-key regret signing that contract and working with them. They're good people, don't get me wrong but the communication, the workflow... it's just not working for me. Ie. the character designs were no longer the final designs (this is a huge problem because how do you expect storyboard artists to do their work?) I can still work through it until the end of my contract though, so I will definitely be fine. 

I did some storyboarding. This really stressed me out. It's been so long since I've storyboarded, and I'm definitely not cut out to be a storyboard artist hah. 
--gah! there's an annoying fly--
The shot list was a mess... I had to go back and forth between the shot list and the script. Giving me a headache.. and I ended up doing some thumbs. Since we technically don't have character designs anymore, the substitute characters were generic. And I guess this works for a small production, but at this rate, we won't even be able to start animation until the end of my contract 🙃

I spent 4 hours. FOUR goddang hours on the thumbs. Unpaid PFT. I'm trying to limit only working 1-2 hours on this project. ~and that's what I did this morning~ I'm also giving myself a lot of pressure to produce "perfect" work, again, but 1) I'm not working with professionals, 2) I'm definitely not being paid enough for perfect to extra work, and 3) it's a small project that probably won't be on my resume ultimately.

So after that unnecessary stress, we went to IKEA to get Robin a desk. I was already feeling pretty bummed and tired, and then going to IKEA was actually stressful too. There was some fun to it, but he was annoyed/frustrated with something else as well. And it felt like he just wanted to get the table and go. Afterwards, I was texting with Jobee and she was spilling a lot of deets that added to my existing stress. I mean, I told her to tell me anyway. Stuff just weighed on me. It is a really bad idea to let negative thoughts + overthinking ferment in your mind. It's sooo heavy. But it was also something I didn't and couldn't get myself to talk about. I just want to be selfish... but then I'll just feel guilty.

From Jo last night, non-verbatim: stop trying to please others, please yourself // "REMEMBER this JOHN LOCKE or SOME HOBBES DUDE. ONCE SAID ALL HUMANS ARE BORN INNATELY SELFISH."-- had to quote her on this because it's funny.

I still have to call Dad and tell him we moved. Ahh I hate dealing with this, but in the long run, everything should be better... hopefully... Well, what can I do? We all grow up...

 It's been so long since I've updated. And mostly because it was too much work moving my Huion out of the way and bringing down my laptop from the glass stand.

As the title suggests, we've moved! Robin and I moved everything that was ours to the new place. On Saturday, we'll be moving his brother and the rest of the stuff over here, as well as going back to Stockton to pick up some stuff. I spent most of this morning cleaning because things were dusty, plus the windows were open so there was a lot of ash on the sills. It feels soo nice to finally have our own kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom.

This still isn't the kind of studio I had in mind, but with him who likes to be able to "leave at a moment's notice," I can't really decorate it the way I want. Especially with his mindset of wanting to buy a cheaper house somewhere else. So, everything right now is temporary. Moving was a hassle but still better than when I moved from my old apartments ahahhaa. I've left most of my stuff at home, sadly.

--

I've also taken some steps forward with my business! There's still a long ways to go, but I'm happy with the progress I've been making. It's been tough keeping myself motivated, so that's why I watch a lot of studio vlogs! Heh.

Also, since there's more room now, maybe I'll learn some dances? hehe

 I thought I had a lot to say, but I kept postponing on blogging that I already don't remember haha.

I did start working towards opening my own online store though~ That's been keeping me pretty busy + doing commissions on the side (free for my sisters LOL) There's been a heatwave these past couple of days, and I can't wait for cooler days. Yesterday, there was a crazy dry thunderstorm. At 6am, we got awoken by thunder from a lightning strike, presumably. The loudest thunder I've ever heard.

Anyway, my period also came a little late... but it's also not a consistent period, so I was stressing out and getting paranoid. I should be fine though...

I need to get back to uploading artwork to my IG and videos to YT. I had a week break since Robin took the week off from work. I have so many ideas/projects I want to work on, but it takes so much time to actually finish something. But I finally pushed myself to work on something (because I've been being lazy and pushing off actually creating the sticker sheet). Test prints today!

I have yet to unbox the Cricut... lol