At least I'll try.

Temporary motivation today?  Must've been because I recently came back from Misha's master's graduation in LA. There was a speaker, the CEO of Modere? (nutritional something lol) and I guess I was motivated by her story, and how she took risks and worked hard and made it. I think it also helped that I spent Mother's Day with the family at the new house. It felt nice, no arguments (except a certain auntie was being annoying as usual), lots of food heh, and milk tea~

Went to the gym this morning; doing laundry... there's still a lot of chores on my mind like cooking and cleaning and saving the dying plants in the kitchen (which I can't do until tomorrow because I need to buy soil) LOL I was doing a bit of organizing (not really) yesterday, found some old to-do lists/notepads so I took them out and started writing a few things down. In this video, Riza talked about making a small checklist instead a checklist that has a lot tasks. And how, when you have sooo many tasks and only manage to finish a few tasks, you'll start to feel discouraged. Which I think is very true. 

Remember: It's not about the amount of work that you do but the fact that you did something and that something is closer to your goal. And it's always better than doing nothing at all. -Riza 

With this, I'll try to slowly tackle the big pile of stuff moved from my house that's currently sitting behind me, and hopefully start building a dream? studio.

It's hard, but I've also been trying to have more confidence in myself, and love myself a little more.

Anyway, most recent upload to my Youtube!
artist vlog // sakura snake...

 For the past few weeks I was working on a "hackathon" by Lighthall -- Software Engineering Super League 1. Unfortunately, my team didn't make it to the final level/week. (The first week was a solo challenge, and the three weeks after that was a team challenge, with a team that the organizers assembled) The event ended well either way since I came away with 2-3 good projects, team stories, and new acquaintances who are willing to work on more toy projects together.

Because of that event I haven't had time for much of anything else, since I literally worked 8+ hours each day working on the projects. So I am about a week or two late with uploading my video, but it's not yet edited heh. I'll try to finish editing today to upload by tomorrow since I'll be gone this weekend.

This upcoming weekend is Mother's Day, as well as Meziah's graduation (for grad school) so we'll be driving down to SoCal. Since we're making the drive there, it's a good idea to stay there longer than a day.

On a side note, the weather has been warming up. Last week was a random cold week again, but the warm weather is coming back. I've started cleaning up the stuff moved here from the house. But it's so much, I don't want to finish. I don't know how to finish. I have no means of storage, the way I want at least. Maybe when I'm ready to commit, I'll get at least a shelf or something...

I'll get to work now.

I found this new Youtube channel, and I love her videos so much. I love her editing style, her color grading, and her voice is so nice to listen to. The quality of her videos are so good, like you're watching the beginning of a movie. I think she'll be an inspiration moving forward with how I edit my videos. I want to learn how to properly color-grade as well.

Life of Riza :

The one mindset that's changing my life

"Say yes now... figure it out later" -Riza 

 Why you feel overwhelmed about the future (and how to beat it)

This might be holding you back.

Speaking of editing, this was another video I loved watching because of the editing (a Wes Anderson style?) tokyo ✷ fun, friends and fleamarkets

I wonder if this bipolar, hot and cold, weather is making people sick.

Mama seems to be getting a cold. I was weirdly sick yesterday.

TMI ahead...

This happened in the morning when I woke up. I was awake in bed and was fine, but I got up and out of nowhere I see the room spinning, as if my eyes were constantly rolling around, even though I was focused at a certain point. At first I thought maybe I just got up to fast or something, but then my throat/chest started feeling uncomfy, like I wanted to throw up.

I thought it'd go away, but it just got worse. I tried to gag and force myself to throw up but couldn't. I sat in front of the toilet, and at one point it was almost there! I felt it coming up! But I wasn't able to push it :(

So we went to do laundry (to dry our clothes). I was hoping the motion would make me feel so bad that I would want to throw up. It did make me feel worse LOL but it wasn't enough to make me throw up. I stayed in the car and kept gagging. Again! It was almost there! But I wasn't able to keep going. It went away. I went to start the dryer cycle again. Got back to the car and tried again after a break.

Finally. FINALLY. I was able to throw up into the plastic bag. I felt so much better afterward.

I thought it'd be gone, but when we got home I could feel it coming back. My vision wasn't spinning anymore but I still felt nauseous, so I took a super short shut eye. Got up to eat, but I really didn't want to eat anything. He made some chicken nuggets. Just smelling it and looking at it made me feel nauseous. I tried to eat one, but I really didn't want to stomach it. I ended up eating a lot of saltine crackers, Ritz crackers and some Chips Ahoy. I didn't want anything that smelled too strong or anything savory.

I was able to eat dinner later though.

Anyway, it was such a random moment of sickness.

 It's currently raining right now.

A brief summary: I made it to "round 2" of interviews with Keyp, but even though the position called for a Junior Frontend, it was more like a Fullstack with 1-2 years of experience. I'm surprised they're even willing to speak with me and go through with the interview considering just from my resume and Github I don't have much.

I don't know, I think I may be going through a low point. I went from feeling, "hey I could do this" to "bruh I don't know anything". I was just going through the Udemy course again, and I broke down. Because of sorting algorithms. And (in my opinion) they're supposed to be easy! Especially because I was just reviewing as well. I was able to do it fine when I first went through it, but I was so frustrated with myself because I knew what was being asked but I wasn't able to write it out. If I couldn't even write a simple algorithm, how am I supposed to get a job that, y'know, requires you to know the basics?

On top of that, I wasn't able to solve the coding challenge for the interview. WHICH. I totally understand that I wouldn't be able to do it since it was related to Web3.0, and I knew nothing about that or backend stuff. I guess, I've just been feeling demotivated. I can't get myself to be productive. I'm all over the place again and I hate it.

Meanwhile, Robin's doing his best to help me not be stressed. He says there's no rush for me, but it's already been 3 years, and I've gone. Nowhere. More half-dug holes. I feel (know) like I'm just wasting time, but I just cannot get myself to get up and do things and stay focused. And when I do, the motivation/desire is sooo short.

Is there a way to reset?

 Robin and I got our 2nd COVID booster shots yesterday.

I'm so dead. We slept 12 hours; he seemed to get hit already with the shot since he went to bed real early.

Meanwhile, I woke up fine but eventually I started getting lethargic and intense headaches that made me want to puke. So I crawled back into bed. I really didn't want to have to take medication but after a short nap, my head was still throbbing, so I ended up taking some Dayquil after a meal. The effects were pretty fast; I could feel my headaches subsiding, and then I played a little bit of Pokemon Violet.

I have plans this holiday week so hopefully I'll feel 100% before then.

It has been a while since I properly sat down at my desk to write.

New life update is: I'm engaged! I guess. LOL we are so nonchalant about this.
Nothing really changed pft. It's weird to bring it up to my parents though lol like waahh. I don't really know how to speak to my dad, so I just texted him. His engrish though. I don't know if he's conveying a disapproval, but it's not like he didn't know ahead of time. While theoretically speaking may be different from actually being engaged.

WELP. Either way, it is done.
That's the main thing. Otherwise, same old? Er I don't know if I mentioned going back to school, but I'm currently taking classes at Delta for Computer Science. Let me get that six-figure job *cries*

I'm also trying to pick up my shop and possibly Youtube again. Trying to let myself be more free.

I don't know what's going on this week.

It's not necessarily a breakdown. Okay, I had like one (actual) breakdown. But I just don't know anymore. I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't even think I deserve to want what I want.

Just now, we were on the phone talking to Jen. And she was asking me why I didn't tell mom I quit Apex early. Because I didn't want the hassle of explaining things (though I'm sure she would've just accepted it), but also because she previously told me to keep working 'til the end of the contract, and possibly go back if there weren't any other job prospects. I guess, I just felt like a failure. Can't even hold down a job (okay, obviously that's not the case though). Well my mom does know that I'm going back to school. But I still can't stop the doubts lingering in my mind. That this is all a waste of time and money. And what about my other degree? Yeah, also a waste of time and money, right?

At this point, I just had to text Mina because I am such a mess right now. I guess she just puts me at ease. 

Currently, Seesaw has also stopped contacting me. Not of any fault of my own (I hope LOL), but last I heard, they were having management and budgeting issues soooo. And Etsy has also pretty much stopped, though I do hope to rebrand and get just a bit more serious about it.

I don't know. I just feel miserable. Emotions are a rollercoaster. At this point in life, I don't know what I want anymore. Can't even chase my dreams because my dreams are obviously not making me a living. I got my family telling me one thing, Robin telling me another, and me just lost in a corner, watching it all pass. Maybe it's all the changes happening at once/too close for comfort, and all the stress piling on. And probably all the expectations I have for myself that I'm just not meeting.

Recently, we caught up to "Attack on Titan" and somethings Levi brings up about decisions/choices in the anime really hit me (per translation).

"I don't know which option you should choose. I could never advise you on that... No matter what kind of wisdom dictates you the option you pick, no one will be able to tell if it's right or wrong until you arrive to some sort of outcome from your choice." 

"Believe in yourself, or believe in the survey corps and me. I don’t know and I never have but I can believe in my own abilities or the choices of the companions I trust. But no one ever knows how it will turn out. So choose for yourself, whichever decision you will regret the least."

"The only thing we’re allowed to do is believe that we won’t regret the choice we made."  

-Levi Ackermann 

And he's not wrong. 

I see that choice A and choice B both have their own set of regrets, ultimately. But at the moment, what did you thing was the correct choice? I wish I could just accept and believe the choice made, despite the outcome.

...

But I'm just like Eren. I regret the choices I've made.
Because they could've been better...
But if only I had known... right?

I don't want to make a decision anymore.

I'm tired.

I just.

Don't.

Know.

 Well it looks like I left my blog at a negative point. Looking back, I was getting way too heated for something so small.

Work has been alright. My most stressful work - a 24 page children's book illustration - was finally finished a couple weeks, albeit I had to extend the due date by a week or so. Now work has been fairly easy with producing read-aloud video versions of the books.

Apex work is same-same. I did a little too much teaching/mentoring today since we got new trainees, but I'm glad they're very easy to talk to.

Most recent update... I've been fighting an antfestation in the kitchen. *cries*

Anyway, I just finished another a video and my eyes are so tired.
When will I get back into my own stuff? Hm...

 I don't feel like naming this post. But I can only rant so much to people so here I am, ranting.

What. the. FREAK.
Did it all start with the program at work deleting my previous stuff I made? And I had to redo it?
Maybe.

Great. We played a game at the end of our meeting. All good.

So I try to get ready to start working on Seesaw stuff, since I took the liberty of giving myself last week off. But wait. I gotta send my resume to my friend so she can send in a referral. So I try to edit it. Should be simple right?

I spent two freakin' hours trying to export it but LibreOffice for some uknown freakin' reason keeps crashing at export. Okay. I'll try Google Docs then. As expected, the import of the file is ugly. Which means I need to spend time to edit it so it looks close to what I originally had. Literally was able to export a PDF like 2 weeks ago, but that same file now won't export. And I'm pissed because I wanted to work on Seesaw stuff. Now it's stressing me out. Everything is nagging me at the back of my mind.

It's so frustrating I'm about to breakdown. Am I PMSing? Freak.

 Happy new year! of the tiger!
Though the days have passed on over to 2022, nothing has really changed.

Why is it that whenever the new year comes around, we feel the urge to start afresh with resolutions we know we can't keep in the long run? Goals, resolutions... these things don't have a start time. It's something we can start at anytime throughout the year yet we avoid them/refuse to take them as seriously as we do during the new year. Humans are so odd.

And yet, here I am. Wanting to set some new goals for myself this year. It's going to be tough...

I wish I can get somewhere this year.
Here's to success.

 Where to begin...

It's only been 3 months since I started working at Apex, yet it feels so long. 

Business has been the usual; slow but still getting some customers. To be honest, I went from getting 1-2 customers in a month to around 1-2 customers a week, and I think that's good! I wonder if I really buckled down with my business, what would happen... Well, I'm too busy at the moment for that.

Seesaw has been on and off. Mainly doing boards for the alphabet series, and we're finishing them up for the end of the this month for the outsource company to bill for the year. I wonder what I'll do after... I'm still working on the history project, but they've been having issues so I've been mostly on hold. Plus I got a change in manager as well.

Lately, I've had time to indulge in my anime/manga and drawing. I watch anime on Jojo's Amazon Prime while at work hehe. Work's been... stuck, so it's not like they need us to work fast. I've been watching whatever anime comes on there. Just finished "Anonymous Noise" and "After the Rain," and just started "Iroduku." Interestingly enough, the latter two seem to be about goals/dreams... I don't know if that's motivating me to draw more or what. Something is pushing me to do more haha. Maybe it's "One Piece" LOL I have been liking what I've been drawing (my OP chibis), and I feel like, maybe I'm finally figuring out my style. I also finished drawing cat peeker stickers, based off of the coffee cats, Miko, and Mango, and I really want to try to printing my own, though I need UV sealant, but I don't even know if it'll really help or not. Right now, I'm struggling between gaming and drawing. I also want to enter Clip Studio's 30th contest and the Pokemon TCG Illustration contest LOL. 

Ah. Maybe it's because I've been super productive at Starbucks this past week. It's been super cold and we're trying to avoid using the heater by stealing Sbucks heater lol (either way, we still use the heater at night and the electricity bill is $100+ this and the upcoming month). I guess, also seeing Taco's book made me want to keep drawing, studying, and improving.

I've also been into "character against screen" type of wallpapers and decided to draw matching couple chibis heh. I think they'll turn out cute! So far, the style is cleaner than my usual chibi, and can't say it's close to how I usually draw, but there's still "me" in it haha. I just finished the lineart today, but I wonder how the coloring will turn out... Ooh but I think this clean style would be good for emotes, just need to be simplified a bit more.

Just the other day, a recruiter from a studio in Spain reached out to me on LinkedIn for a remote 3D Blender animator position. This reminded me that, maybe I should work on my 3D animation, update my resume and portfolio, and start applying again... There's internships open right now too...

I also picked up Mystic Messenger again. HAAA. I forgot the pain of going through these chat rooms and calls lol I wonder if there were any different chat rooms... I don't remember. I also just realized I only got 1-2 endings for each character lol I did miss the music too. But UGH Rayyyy. I am in love with this sad baby again. I wonder if I can get a different ending... I don't even remember what ending I did get heh. [ah! I just got a new Zen photo LOL so maybe some of the chats are new keke]

 Another month, another year gone.

It's been so long since I've sat down to blog. I've been super busy with work, but that's not even an excuse. A few weeks back I was so busy, I didn't even get to play Genshin for a long time, and missed a lot of things sadly. Lately, I've been back in my fujoshi rabbit hole hehe. "Sasaki to Miyano" announced an anime for next year, and I liked the art, so I checked out the manga. The comments also said it was very wholesome. Indeed it was~ (Since it was picked up with an English publisher, there won't be any more scanlations, so I might either collect the manga or just the final volume LOL) From there, I've just been reading the recommended, etc. And I'm pretty sure, if I were to draw guys, it'll definitely be influenced by all the BL art haha. They're really good at drawing guys okay.

Reading manga and webtoons makes me want to draw up my own, so I roped in Jobee to write the story after I gave her the general idea of what I wanted to be the basis of the story, and she wrote so much immediately LOL I think we'll work on it heh.

I also gave advice to an animation club for CMU, and doing all that made me want to keep working on my animation. One of my friends are working on her Blender skills, which makes me want to go back to it again. While I am working full-time gig at Apple via Apex, I also have a side gig with Seesaw. Wonder if they'll ever hire me full-time hehe.

---

Since I haven't blogged in a while, I never mentioned that Robin bought a house in September. We've been working from home here. I guess we've settled in? There's still a lot that needs to be fixed, but it's quite livable. It's not pretty, but still livable. I haven't done too much with my Etsy, but I still get an okay amount of sales a month, granted I don't do much for it heh. Oh, and work has been slightly chaotic and boring at the same time. Chaotic because things are not working the way it needs to; boring because I can't "work" because I don't have access anymore LOL We're just waiting for dev/HR to solve the issue, so my friends and I who don't have access have just been on call on the computer.

I'm always thinking about what I would write when I'm able to sit down and blog, but by then, there's so much I don't know where to begin, and the post ends up all over the place LOL

In summary:
    -Jen got me a keyboard~ still waiting for my cherry blossom keycaps in February, and she's going to change stabilizers for my bigger keys
    -I got to meet up with Jessica, Mina, and Meimei during one of the weeks~ we went to eat Oz and ate kbbq. Mina's wildin' ahahaha. That shot was pretty good though, but a bit too sour lol

---

It is the holiday season!

Boy got a few days off + his Thanksgiving days off, but I still have work on the non-holiday days. I didn't work over the weekend, so we got to spend time slacking off hehe. We went out to the mall both days to kill time. Yesterday, we went to JC Penney's, just to look around. We found a cute cozy cardigan (usually Jen gets these lol) and he got it for me. I look like a granny though! Haha. And then we found a cozy one for him, but he didn't like wearing it. He looked cute in it though~ but also like a grandpa haha And there was one that's a pullover, which also looked cute on him but he was like, I'm not gonna wear it. It made him look so cozy 🥺 but I didn't get to take a picture! Hmph.

~

Another cute thing I learned yesterday:
He was on Insta and his friends posted a picture of a dog.

Him: they got a new dog? nooo~ don't tell me-! no no no
*checks the other dog's IG*
Him: whew, November. Still good. 

LOL he thought his favorite dog passed away because they got a new one.
It's a small moppy dog (don't know the breed), and the first dog he got walk, feed, and pick up after lol And I asked, you were happy with that (picking up after it), and he laughed and said yeah, for some reason. HAHA. Innocent boy~ a (small?) dog person even though he got bit by a dog before. Surprised he isn't traumatized considering I have big dogs. But he loved Bobby and Reno, but they were gentle medium-sized doggos.

---

Yes, still have no access to work, so I sat down and wrote hehe. Time to get to work on Seesaw stuff!

No. I don't want to beeee *flails arms*

*Big sigh* It's been a year and some months since lockdown, pandemic, etc. I haven't been to the dentist since, and still very wary about going, actually. When things were seemingly normal, I finally set my mind on going to the dentist. Long story short, Jo found a dentist in SF and there were many issues from our previous dentist, seemingly decreasing our trust in him, so I decided to find one in SJ. Not to mention, it'd be convenient for the both of us in our respective areas.

Anyway, finding your own dentist is pretty difficult? It's hard to trust whether it will be a good dentist or not. I had to rely on the reviews for places, but it's hard to discern when there's varying opinions. And most people wouldn't even leave reviews for places like dentists, unless they had a super bad experience. I wanted to say, the place I chose, I didn't have a bad experience, but because I haven't been to my previous dentist in so long, I didn't know what to expect of my exam. Could it really have been that worse? Anyway, she recommended treatments that seemed to align with the previous dentist and my ongoing treatment there, plus a few others for the future. It'd cost me about $3k since the specific treatments weren't covered in insurance.

Today I called Capitol Dental and was able to schedule an office visit for next week. I was pretty anxious, and also I've never requested a second opinion before. But the receptionist I was talking to was very nice. She was very transparent with me, about what my insurance would cover, what I would end up paying out-of-pocket, and overall I was very reassured. If the second opinion agrees with the initial diagnosis, then I hope I ended up choosing a reliable clinic.

In preparation for this, I had to call Denti-Cal too *cries* I just don't like calls lol

Prior to the periodontal exam I went to, I had scheduled at a different clinic (we'll call this Clinic A) but it was fully booked until September. I still booked it in case other clinics had the same issue, but a call with another clinic had an opening the very next day instead. I just called into Clinic A to cancel, and the receptionist was really chill, nice and sounded very fun as she took me off their calendar. I had such a good morning all because these receptionists were being sooo nice to me. As nerve-wracking as all this was, it makes such a big difference when people treat you with kindness and patience.

I am very much protected considering I don't live too far from home/family, and so I end up still relying on them. But I know I gotta do these adulting things, y'know, or I'd end up being so lost. I still don't have a full-time job, but I am glad I do have a long-term (?) contract job. I am starting to waver about continuing the hunt in this field... it's been known to not pay well, in addition to being very difficult to land a job if you don't have internship/experience (which I don't) or connections (also a no, maybe 1 lol but it's not like we talk) 

I hope to start rolling the conveyor belts for my business and take it seriously. In addition, I may end up switching careers completely... 

I am so ded.

I went to play badminton with Jim, Tong, and Bryan. 2 hours worth of games LOL I am very much surprised I could still play. As rusty as I am--I haven't played for probably about 2+ years :o --I wasn't that rusty, lol. Before, even if I played every other week, I would miss a lot of birdies or fail serves a lot when I first started. Here I am, thinking I would miss the birdies on my first few hits, but I didn't! Anyway, so very sore. I am DRAINED. All I want to do is lay down. With all the stamina/energy being consumed, and how hot it was/how sweaty I was, I did end up getting a headache that was on and off. It wasn't too bad though. There goes my calves OTL (for context, I stopped going to badminton because I didn't want my calves to get any bigger than they already were LOL)

Afterward, went to Eastridge to wait for Nancy to get off work. We went to this Vietnamese restaurant in the N7/La Creme plaza by Steph's place. The food was aight. I got this chow fun dish, but it wasn't the thick noodles/Chinese dish I was thinking of; they used pad thai noodles instead of the wide flat ones.

Then I was dropped off home, where right after, Robin and I went to the gym. I was soo tired so I did light/no weights for leg day. Since I ate so late, I didn't eat dinner.

I will be so sore tomorrow.

~~

On a side note, still job hunting. But one of the interviews I had, though I was not accepted as an intern (was I overqualified? LOL), I signed a contract with them as a "graphics artist/animator"--so technically freelance? They will contact me when there's a project that I'm a fit for. I wasn't expecting much since I didn't get anything for a while, and then one of the project managers contacted me! At this point, a gig is a gig lol. I report directly to the project manager, and she's so nice, and in Hawaii lol. I have to work with an older videographer, otherwise, I'm mainly working on my own. The job itself isn't anything difficult, so that's good. My SJSU email is deactivating soon; does this mean I need to pay monthly for Adobe programs? Sadness. I currently use Illustrator and After Effects. If it weren't for this gig, I probably would've switched over to some open-source programs lol

ALSO. We recently got an Oculus and have been playing Beat Saber. It is pretty addicting heh.

I also want to do a cover but wow, do you know how long ago it was since I tried to learn a dance? Lol I'm just not motivated anymore. Learning just the chorus/TikTok-y dances are probably my limit. Unless the dance for a 3+ minute song is that good pft.

Yesterday, I hung out with the fam in SF.

I was annoyed prior because we were late. (Also because we were trying to organize all of his files, and some of the papers didn't scan correctly and I was irritated with it) Not so much at anyone... just the fact that we were running late. (I'm already a big enough disappointment enough PFT) Like, we had planned a time and everything, but of course, when are we ever on time LOL I just felt so bad I had to everyone else wait while we drove to them. We literally headed out for SF when Jim and them arrived at Jen's. I was just thinking in my head, why can't I decide on things that will be more efficient? Why can't I make decisions without worrying about what/how others would take it? Why can't I just be an empty shell void of emotions? It sure would make life easier huh... without these emotions that will make me worry about others' feelings. 

I find that I am weird human bean. I can be so selfish for reasons, but at the same time, I can be such a people pleaser that I end up stressing myself out. Sometimes I wish I was just more selfish and not care about everyone else so much. Would that make me a bad person? Hmm...

It was still fun. At Jen's place we ate lunch before heading out. They wanted to redress me because I was a fashion disaster, but it was hilarious because Jobee dressed me and it was ridiculous LOL and Jen's weeb clothes were ridiculous LOL Jim disapproved pft. Jim said my hair was so thin. She said that a while back before, but yeah. Thinning hair plus more white hairs on the crown as well, not just the back/bottom layer of my hair. It wasn't a sad thing, and I already knew, but even though I was just telling them, I felt like my eyes were watering and my voice started to shake. I don't really know why I wanted to cry. Embarrassing? I don't think so? Like I said before, I am very self-conscious and sensitive when it comes to my hair. Anyway, finally got an outfit together and headed out.

We walked down Golden Gate Park from the tulip garden with windmill (I forgot what the garden was called lol) -- there was way too many people there, the reason why we were supposed to get there early, but we got there after lunch-- to the Rose Garden. It was quite a walk, we got so tired lol. It was nice though. So much greenery and a "Mountain Dew" river lol Afterwards, we got Szechuan dinner takeout and milk tea~

---

Looking into different shampoos/conditioner that would help with thinning hair (Jim had sent Emi's video on her hair loss journey before) and I sent them a list of the shampoos to help me decide which one to use, and they were like just try them, take some biotin/supplements, but the main solution would be to take the stress out of your life LOL when the stress is a certain someone and job hunting OTL. But like, why am I like this? Why do I get triggered and mad at everything OTL

Ooh, on a side note. I did do the interview with ideaMACHINE with the CEO. He was definitely a theater person; hard to follow his humor. He was pretty nice, and attempted to make the interview pretty casual. But his high energy made me a lil' uncomfy lol I appreciate the effort though xD His questions made me think a bit... and also how other interviews would be like, and an idea of how my answers would make the company/interviewer feel. I didn't get the job, but I got an art test for Seesaw Learning. The assumed 1-2 hours to complete it, but I took around 4-6 hours to complete it, from creating the assets to animating it. But I really like the end result! It's cute and simple for preschool to kindergartners~ I have yet to hear back from them eeeep. 

I finally get a response to interview for a Summer internship, instead of the job position I applied for. (Plus, not actually in the kind of studio I expected myself to be in, but it's better than nothing.

I was excited!

That's the right reaction, right? Sure they said one thing that was like, uh... whut. But maybe they didn't mean it that way. So I email them back saying when I was available.
I hear nothing back for almost a week.
Then they tell me they scheduled the interview. On a day I never said I was available for.
And constantly mentioning what a liability interns are. Oh, but no worries! We love your work :D 

I literally have no idea how to feel. Like, what is this psychological manipulation? I thought it was just me, so I ask my sisters. I ask this animation community I'm in. I ask my friends. And they all they say the same thing: they sound so disrespectful. They sound like YOU should be grateful you were even given this chance. Sure. I agree.

But the experience, right? It's better than nothing.

Initially, I really considering turning this down. But then, my mom called and told me to just do it. Who cares if they're rude; you need the experience. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like a "model minority" thing. Just bow your head, y'know?

Anyway, I guess I'll accept the interview. Who knows, I might not even make it LOL And I don't know why, I feel like he'll flake LOL just a feeling. I'ma laugh when I join the meeting, and he never shows. PFT.

This whole ordeal was stressing me out because I couldn't decide what to do. But sometimes, you just gotta rip the bandage off.

If you read up on Zodiac readings (I am not sure what they're called), you'd know that this year is apparently fan tai sui (犯太歲) for the Ox-born people. I didn't know this, but fan tai sui happens at specific ages. Unfortunately for us, 24 is one of them LOL. How much of it is true, who knows. I didn't really look into it (I believe it also depends on time/star alignment when you were born--used to calculate how well you match with someone else in them olden days haha) I read it off here. While he's no expert, it was quite entertaining to look at.

As you can see, for the Ox, we got the short stick for the year. Y'all know it already, but wealth/career ain't happening this year! lol Though last Saturday (02/20/2021) was SHMCon, and I had a few sales which I am super grateful for. I knew a dry spell was going to happen after, though. Just because your Zodiac says it's going to be a bad year for you, doesn't mean you don't keep fighting. That first point said "Mooov them aside. Keep going." I think struggles are great in pushing ourselves to grow, though we may not enjoy/like them at all. While wealth/career are struggling, that's expected, let's hope health isn't bad, especially during this time in the pandemic...

But I guess what I wanted to say had to deal with relationships. Sure, I get one otter point out of five, but are we really going to let Zodiac/horoscope predictions define what we actually end up obtaining? It's like, if you let labels define you: though they weren't true, you started believing them, and you make them come true. You let the labels define you. I don't know if that made any sense. I haven't posted in a while because I hadn't the need to spill any tea. But I think the stress had built up, and I continued to keep everything in. It's not something I would blatantly complain to my sisters or friends, but in a way, I can spill tea to my blog. 

I can't remember if this happened last week, but just these past few days alone, we've fought. Saying the whole day would be incorrect, but it's a lot. One fight (I think it was last week?) almost ended with us breaking up. And if you didn't know, that was ~probably~ the third or fourth time we were close to breaking up LOL. It makes me think... how good it would be to be single again. At least you'll never be hurt :') I have nothing against romantic relationships though! I love love LOL but being in a relationship with someone who is not "you" will come with fights. They're not "you" in the sense that your habits, needs/wants, thought process-- just everything-- is not... "you." You and your partner may have that honeymoon phase where nothing either of you do will bother the other (we had quite a long one), but eventually, you will become comfortable with each other and each will have expectations of the other. Both of you will start "slacking" because there is no need to impress the other. In a good relationship, I think if that happens, neither of you would really mind. On the contrary, I think the changes will have negative effects and take a toll on the relationship.

...

And yet, when do you know it is time to part? 

I still cannot understand how anyone can part ways with a partner they spent years with. The same with, how can anyone who's been in a relationship bear to cheat on their partner. It doesn't make sense to me. I think I would understand if one has fallen out of love for their partner... (that still doesn't justify cheating; just cut it clean if that's how you really feel *rolls eyes*) Anyway, I digress.

So when/how would you know when one has become a hinderance to the other's growth? When/how would you know when you have become a negative influence on the other's life? Who defines these anyway? Also, how do you differentiate, not wanting to lose the way of life (you know, 'cause people hate changes) versus not wanting to lose material items versus not wanting to lose your partner... --ok this didn't make any sense. I don't know where I was trying to get at. ~ignore~

...

I think... that's where people break up for each other's good-- on mutual terms-- but in the worst case, heartbroken. (Did you know, I've felt my heartstrings break during one of our fights in the past? LOL like I really felt it. My chest did hurt... so much that I tried gripping it. Heh. I wonder if I posted about it... Even remembering all those times makes me sad... as someone who has pretty vivid memory...)

Even if we made it past those fights... what price did we have to pay for the rest of the time? How would it effect how we interact with each other? ... I dont' know.

~~

Nana, or any of you who read this, I don't want to discourage being in a relationship. I think being in one has their perks! Please just enjoy the time with your partner. In your dictionary, if they're worth the fight, I wish you stay strong and work things out. Ultimately, if you both agree it won't work out anymore, I wish you the best possible breakup (uh, that reads wrong LOL but I hope you understand my sentiment). Can a breakup happen with no heartbreak...? I guess that depends on the person. 

To be honest... if this relationship doesn't work out, I don't know if it'll work it out with another partner. I seem to be the catalyst pft. He's already patient with me as it is, but even he has a threshold for my "princess-tantrums." (Okay, it's not that I throw tantrums, but I get easily annoyed when things aren't done in a specific way, or if something is said that I don't like hearing-- it puts me in a really bad mood LOL and when I'm in a bad mood, I just don't want to talk. Let me simmer in my anger LOL but then that pisses him off.) Oop, no more details of my relationship lol.

Sometimes I would like to be left to myself...
love hurts, love anyway

I hate it.

Many people probably do. But we have no choice.

Applying to jobs would be manageable if only it was that simple. If only it was just submitting your resumé and application. But no. It's not that simple. It's always about connections. It's always about "putting yourself out there." If you're not the extrovert type, you join others in the lowest bracket of applicants. Never seen, if at all. At that point, it's not even your skills or merits that get you into the job. Of course, there's the argument that, even if you knew people, passing the interview is on you. Okay but right now, what are the chances of landing a job purely from an application?

Very low. You're supposed to "reach out." Follow up. And that's why they say job hunting is a full-time job. Back in the day, sure, a resumé would be good enough to get an interview. Nowadays with so many applicants and with applications being electronically screened by AI, chances are even slimmer. Companies don't have the time or manpower to send out rejection emails to every applicant, so you, as an applicant, is literally a sitting duck not knowing if your application was even seen. And not knowing why you were not shortlisted unless you follow-up. To who? You don't even know who saw your application.

Why isn't the application process easier for job hunters? Is it also a screening process? But why can't applicants find an addressee (for cover letters) easily? Maybe it's just me wanting things to more accessible.

But is that so much to ask?

Well wouldja look at that. It's the new year 2021 and I haven't blogged for a whole month *insert shocked Pikachu*

I've been feeling meh. What's new :p
What's better than a new year to get my shizz together. Again.
This morning I cleaned my desk and it feels good. No kidding that cleaning your space clears your mind.
And the end of December marks the end of my employment with SJAWP. I am currently unemployed oop oop. Was that good idea? Who knows...

BRAIN DUMP: I need to continue to apply to jobs (need to make new shots for an updated reel + update resume), work on merch for my shop (my polar bear/seal set + CNY merch), take Youtubing more seriously aka be more consistent/plan ahead etc.

I actually spent Christmas back home. And I was feeling super recharged! but as soon as I got back to San Jose, all that was gone. Ha. Ha. So I'm trying to get back into it by watching studio vlogs. Watching Tiffany making plushies for her RISD finals makes me want to get back to my crafts ToT maybe I'll crochet since that's the only craft I have here HMM.
Also because of this break, I realized a break is a good break when I stop stressing over the fact that I haven't created. Like, forcing myself to create really doesn't help. Thinking about it all also doesn't help. I felt rested when I was at home because I didn't have my tablet staring at me to create LOL

I have been playing a ton of Genshin Impact just because there was an ongoing event so I was grinding. The event ended 2 days ago so 

Side note: Robin met us halfway in Hayward on my way back to SJ, and we went to Hippie's Brew and got the Yoncé. It was good!

I've also been craving snacks like cookies and chips... woops.

 At least I'll try.

Temporary motivation today?  Must've been because I recently came back from Misha's master's graduation in LA. There was a speaker, the CEO of Modere? (nutritional something lol) and I guess I was motivated by her story, and how she took risks and worked hard and made it. I think it also helped that I spent Mother's Day with the family at the new house. It felt nice, no arguments (except a certain auntie was being annoying as usual), lots of food heh, and milk tea~

Went to the gym this morning; doing laundry... there's still a lot of chores on my mind like cooking and cleaning and saving the dying plants in the kitchen (which I can't do until tomorrow because I need to buy soil) LOL I was doing a bit of organizing (not really) yesterday, found some old to-do lists/notepads so I took them out and started writing a few things down. In this video, Riza talked about making a small checklist instead a checklist that has a lot tasks. And how, when you have sooo many tasks and only manage to finish a few tasks, you'll start to feel discouraged. Which I think is very true. 

Remember: It's not about the amount of work that you do but the fact that you did something and that something is closer to your goal. And it's always better than doing nothing at all. -Riza 

With this, I'll try to slowly tackle the big pile of stuff moved from my house that's currently sitting behind me, and hopefully start building a dream? studio.

It's hard, but I've also been trying to have more confidence in myself, and love myself a little more.

Anyway, most recent upload to my Youtube!
artist vlog // sakura snake...

 For the past few weeks I was working on a "hackathon" by Lighthall -- Software Engineering Super League 1. Unfortunately, my team didn't make it to the final level/week. (The first week was a solo challenge, and the three weeks after that was a team challenge, with a team that the organizers assembled) The event ended well either way since I came away with 2-3 good projects, team stories, and new acquaintances who are willing to work on more toy projects together.

Because of that event I haven't had time for much of anything else, since I literally worked 8+ hours each day working on the projects. So I am about a week or two late with uploading my video, but it's not yet edited heh. I'll try to finish editing today to upload by tomorrow since I'll be gone this weekend.

This upcoming weekend is Mother's Day, as well as Meziah's graduation (for grad school) so we'll be driving down to SoCal. Since we're making the drive there, it's a good idea to stay there longer than a day.

On a side note, the weather has been warming up. Last week was a random cold week again, but the warm weather is coming back. I've started cleaning up the stuff moved here from the house. But it's so much, I don't want to finish. I don't know how to finish. I have no means of storage, the way I want at least. Maybe when I'm ready to commit, I'll get at least a shelf or something...

I'll get to work now.

I found this new Youtube channel, and I love her videos so much. I love her editing style, her color grading, and her voice is so nice to listen to. The quality of her videos are so good, like you're watching the beginning of a movie. I think she'll be an inspiration moving forward with how I edit my videos. I want to learn how to properly color-grade as well.

Life of Riza :

The one mindset that's changing my life

"Say yes now... figure it out later" -Riza 

 Why you feel overwhelmed about the future (and how to beat it)

This might be holding you back.

Speaking of editing, this was another video I loved watching because of the editing (a Wes Anderson style?) tokyo ✷ fun, friends and fleamarkets

I wonder if this bipolar, hot and cold, weather is making people sick.

Mama seems to be getting a cold. I was weirdly sick yesterday.

TMI ahead...

This happened in the morning when I woke up. I was awake in bed and was fine, but I got up and out of nowhere I see the room spinning, as if my eyes were constantly rolling around, even though I was focused at a certain point. At first I thought maybe I just got up to fast or something, but then my throat/chest started feeling uncomfy, like I wanted to throw up.

I thought it'd go away, but it just got worse. I tried to gag and force myself to throw up but couldn't. I sat in front of the toilet, and at one point it was almost there! I felt it coming up! But I wasn't able to push it :(

So we went to do laundry (to dry our clothes). I was hoping the motion would make me feel so bad that I would want to throw up. It did make me feel worse LOL but it wasn't enough to make me throw up. I stayed in the car and kept gagging. Again! It was almost there! But I wasn't able to keep going. It went away. I went to start the dryer cycle again. Got back to the car and tried again after a break.

Finally. FINALLY. I was able to throw up into the plastic bag. I felt so much better afterward.

I thought it'd be gone, but when we got home I could feel it coming back. My vision wasn't spinning anymore but I still felt nauseous, so I took a super short shut eye. Got up to eat, but I really didn't want to eat anything. He made some chicken nuggets. Just smelling it and looking at it made me feel nauseous. I tried to eat one, but I really didn't want to stomach it. I ended up eating a lot of saltine crackers, Ritz crackers and some Chips Ahoy. I didn't want anything that smelled too strong or anything savory.

I was able to eat dinner later though.

Anyway, it was such a random moment of sickness.

 It's currently raining right now.

A brief summary: I made it to "round 2" of interviews with Keyp, but even though the position called for a Junior Frontend, it was more like a Fullstack with 1-2 years of experience. I'm surprised they're even willing to speak with me and go through with the interview considering just from my resume and Github I don't have much.

I don't know, I think I may be going through a low point. I went from feeling, "hey I could do this" to "bruh I don't know anything". I was just going through the Udemy course again, and I broke down. Because of sorting algorithms. And (in my opinion) they're supposed to be easy! Especially because I was just reviewing as well. I was able to do it fine when I first went through it, but I was so frustrated with myself because I knew what was being asked but I wasn't able to write it out. If I couldn't even write a simple algorithm, how am I supposed to get a job that, y'know, requires you to know the basics?

On top of that, I wasn't able to solve the coding challenge for the interview. WHICH. I totally understand that I wouldn't be able to do it since it was related to Web3.0, and I knew nothing about that or backend stuff. I guess, I've just been feeling demotivated. I can't get myself to be productive. I'm all over the place again and I hate it.

Meanwhile, Robin's doing his best to help me not be stressed. He says there's no rush for me, but it's already been 3 years, and I've gone. Nowhere. More half-dug holes. I feel (know) like I'm just wasting time, but I just cannot get myself to get up and do things and stay focused. And when I do, the motivation/desire is sooo short.

Is there a way to reset?

 Robin and I got our 2nd COVID booster shots yesterday.

I'm so dead. We slept 12 hours; he seemed to get hit already with the shot since he went to bed real early.

Meanwhile, I woke up fine but eventually I started getting lethargic and intense headaches that made me want to puke. So I crawled back into bed. I really didn't want to have to take medication but after a short nap, my head was still throbbing, so I ended up taking some Dayquil after a meal. The effects were pretty fast; I could feel my headaches subsiding, and then I played a little bit of Pokemon Violet.

I have plans this holiday week so hopefully I'll feel 100% before then.

It has been a while since I properly sat down at my desk to write.

New life update is: I'm engaged! I guess. LOL we are so nonchalant about this.
Nothing really changed pft. It's weird to bring it up to my parents though lol like waahh. I don't really know how to speak to my dad, so I just texted him. His engrish though. I don't know if he's conveying a disapproval, but it's not like he didn't know ahead of time. While theoretically speaking may be different from actually being engaged.

WELP. Either way, it is done.
That's the main thing. Otherwise, same old? Er I don't know if I mentioned going back to school, but I'm currently taking classes at Delta for Computer Science. Let me get that six-figure job *cries*

I'm also trying to pick up my shop and possibly Youtube again. Trying to let myself be more free.

I don't know what's going on this week.

It's not necessarily a breakdown. Okay, I had like one (actual) breakdown. But I just don't know anymore. I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't even think I deserve to want what I want.

Just now, we were on the phone talking to Jen. And she was asking me why I didn't tell mom I quit Apex early. Because I didn't want the hassle of explaining things (though I'm sure she would've just accepted it), but also because she previously told me to keep working 'til the end of the contract, and possibly go back if there weren't any other job prospects. I guess, I just felt like a failure. Can't even hold down a job (okay, obviously that's not the case though). Well my mom does know that I'm going back to school. But I still can't stop the doubts lingering in my mind. That this is all a waste of time and money. And what about my other degree? Yeah, also a waste of time and money, right?

At this point, I just had to text Mina because I am such a mess right now. I guess she just puts me at ease. 

Currently, Seesaw has also stopped contacting me. Not of any fault of my own (I hope LOL), but last I heard, they were having management and budgeting issues soooo. And Etsy has also pretty much stopped, though I do hope to rebrand and get just a bit more serious about it.

I don't know. I just feel miserable. Emotions are a rollercoaster. At this point in life, I don't know what I want anymore. Can't even chase my dreams because my dreams are obviously not making me a living. I got my family telling me one thing, Robin telling me another, and me just lost in a corner, watching it all pass. Maybe it's all the changes happening at once/too close for comfort, and all the stress piling on. And probably all the expectations I have for myself that I'm just not meeting.

Recently, we caught up to "Attack on Titan" and somethings Levi brings up about decisions/choices in the anime really hit me (per translation).

"I don't know which option you should choose. I could never advise you on that... No matter what kind of wisdom dictates you the option you pick, no one will be able to tell if it's right or wrong until you arrive to some sort of outcome from your choice." 

"Believe in yourself, or believe in the survey corps and me. I don’t know and I never have but I can believe in my own abilities or the choices of the companions I trust. But no one ever knows how it will turn out. So choose for yourself, whichever decision you will regret the least."

"The only thing we’re allowed to do is believe that we won’t regret the choice we made."  

-Levi Ackermann 

And he's not wrong. 

I see that choice A and choice B both have their own set of regrets, ultimately. But at the moment, what did you thing was the correct choice? I wish I could just accept and believe the choice made, despite the outcome.

...

But I'm just like Eren. I regret the choices I've made.
Because they could've been better...
But if only I had known... right?

I don't want to make a decision anymore.

I'm tired.

I just.

Don't.

Know.

 Well it looks like I left my blog at a negative point. Looking back, I was getting way too heated for something so small.

Work has been alright. My most stressful work - a 24 page children's book illustration - was finally finished a couple weeks, albeit I had to extend the due date by a week or so. Now work has been fairly easy with producing read-aloud video versions of the books.

Apex work is same-same. I did a little too much teaching/mentoring today since we got new trainees, but I'm glad they're very easy to talk to.

Most recent update... I've been fighting an antfestation in the kitchen. *cries*

Anyway, I just finished another a video and my eyes are so tired.
When will I get back into my own stuff? Hm...

 I don't feel like naming this post. But I can only rant so much to people so here I am, ranting.

What. the. FREAK.
Did it all start with the program at work deleting my previous stuff I made? And I had to redo it?
Maybe.

Great. We played a game at the end of our meeting. All good.

So I try to get ready to start working on Seesaw stuff, since I took the liberty of giving myself last week off. But wait. I gotta send my resume to my friend so she can send in a referral. So I try to edit it. Should be simple right?

I spent two freakin' hours trying to export it but LibreOffice for some uknown freakin' reason keeps crashing at export. Okay. I'll try Google Docs then. As expected, the import of the file is ugly. Which means I need to spend time to edit it so it looks close to what I originally had. Literally was able to export a PDF like 2 weeks ago, but that same file now won't export. And I'm pissed because I wanted to work on Seesaw stuff. Now it's stressing me out. Everything is nagging me at the back of my mind.

It's so frustrating I'm about to breakdown. Am I PMSing? Freak.

 Happy new year! of the tiger!
Though the days have passed on over to 2022, nothing has really changed.

Why is it that whenever the new year comes around, we feel the urge to start afresh with resolutions we know we can't keep in the long run? Goals, resolutions... these things don't have a start time. It's something we can start at anytime throughout the year yet we avoid them/refuse to take them as seriously as we do during the new year. Humans are so odd.

And yet, here I am. Wanting to set some new goals for myself this year. It's going to be tough...

I wish I can get somewhere this year.
Here's to success.

 Where to begin...

It's only been 3 months since I started working at Apex, yet it feels so long. 

Business has been the usual; slow but still getting some customers. To be honest, I went from getting 1-2 customers in a month to around 1-2 customers a week, and I think that's good! I wonder if I really buckled down with my business, what would happen... Well, I'm too busy at the moment for that.

Seesaw has been on and off. Mainly doing boards for the alphabet series, and we're finishing them up for the end of the this month for the outsource company to bill for the year. I wonder what I'll do after... I'm still working on the history project, but they've been having issues so I've been mostly on hold. Plus I got a change in manager as well.

Lately, I've had time to indulge in my anime/manga and drawing. I watch anime on Jojo's Amazon Prime while at work hehe. Work's been... stuck, so it's not like they need us to work fast. I've been watching whatever anime comes on there. Just finished "Anonymous Noise" and "After the Rain," and just started "Iroduku." Interestingly enough, the latter two seem to be about goals/dreams... I don't know if that's motivating me to draw more or what. Something is pushing me to do more haha. Maybe it's "One Piece" LOL I have been liking what I've been drawing (my OP chibis), and I feel like, maybe I'm finally figuring out my style. I also finished drawing cat peeker stickers, based off of the coffee cats, Miko, and Mango, and I really want to try to printing my own, though I need UV sealant, but I don't even know if it'll really help or not. Right now, I'm struggling between gaming and drawing. I also want to enter Clip Studio's 30th contest and the Pokemon TCG Illustration contest LOL. 

Ah. Maybe it's because I've been super productive at Starbucks this past week. It's been super cold and we're trying to avoid using the heater by stealing Sbucks heater lol (either way, we still use the heater at night and the electricity bill is $100+ this and the upcoming month). I guess, also seeing Taco's book made me want to keep drawing, studying, and improving.

I've also been into "character against screen" type of wallpapers and decided to draw matching couple chibis heh. I think they'll turn out cute! So far, the style is cleaner than my usual chibi, and can't say it's close to how I usually draw, but there's still "me" in it haha. I just finished the lineart today, but I wonder how the coloring will turn out... Ooh but I think this clean style would be good for emotes, just need to be simplified a bit more.

Just the other day, a recruiter from a studio in Spain reached out to me on LinkedIn for a remote 3D Blender animator position. This reminded me that, maybe I should work on my 3D animation, update my resume and portfolio, and start applying again... There's internships open right now too...

I also picked up Mystic Messenger again. HAAA. I forgot the pain of going through these chat rooms and calls lol I wonder if there were any different chat rooms... I don't remember. I also just realized I only got 1-2 endings for each character lol I did miss the music too. But UGH Rayyyy. I am in love with this sad baby again. I wonder if I can get a different ending... I don't even remember what ending I did get heh. [ah! I just got a new Zen photo LOL so maybe some of the chats are new keke]

 Another month, another year gone.

It's been so long since I've sat down to blog. I've been super busy with work, but that's not even an excuse. A few weeks back I was so busy, I didn't even get to play Genshin for a long time, and missed a lot of things sadly. Lately, I've been back in my fujoshi rabbit hole hehe. "Sasaki to Miyano" announced an anime for next year, and I liked the art, so I checked out the manga. The comments also said it was very wholesome. Indeed it was~ (Since it was picked up with an English publisher, there won't be any more scanlations, so I might either collect the manga or just the final volume LOL) From there, I've just been reading the recommended, etc. And I'm pretty sure, if I were to draw guys, it'll definitely be influenced by all the BL art haha. They're really good at drawing guys okay.

Reading manga and webtoons makes me want to draw up my own, so I roped in Jobee to write the story after I gave her the general idea of what I wanted to be the basis of the story, and she wrote so much immediately LOL I think we'll work on it heh.

I also gave advice to an animation club for CMU, and doing all that made me want to keep working on my animation. One of my friends are working on her Blender skills, which makes me want to go back to it again. While I am working full-time gig at Apple via Apex, I also have a side gig with Seesaw. Wonder if they'll ever hire me full-time hehe.

---

Since I haven't blogged in a while, I never mentioned that Robin bought a house in September. We've been working from home here. I guess we've settled in? There's still a lot that needs to be fixed, but it's quite livable. It's not pretty, but still livable. I haven't done too much with my Etsy, but I still get an okay amount of sales a month, granted I don't do much for it heh. Oh, and work has been slightly chaotic and boring at the same time. Chaotic because things are not working the way it needs to; boring because I can't "work" because I don't have access anymore LOL We're just waiting for dev/HR to solve the issue, so my friends and I who don't have access have just been on call on the computer.

I'm always thinking about what I would write when I'm able to sit down and blog, but by then, there's so much I don't know where to begin, and the post ends up all over the place LOL

In summary:
    -Jen got me a keyboard~ still waiting for my cherry blossom keycaps in February, and she's going to change stabilizers for my bigger keys
    -I got to meet up with Jessica, Mina, and Meimei during one of the weeks~ we went to eat Oz and ate kbbq. Mina's wildin' ahahaha. That shot was pretty good though, but a bit too sour lol

---

It is the holiday season!

Boy got a few days off + his Thanksgiving days off, but I still have work on the non-holiday days. I didn't work over the weekend, so we got to spend time slacking off hehe. We went out to the mall both days to kill time. Yesterday, we went to JC Penney's, just to look around. We found a cute cozy cardigan (usually Jen gets these lol) and he got it for me. I look like a granny though! Haha. And then we found a cozy one for him, but he didn't like wearing it. He looked cute in it though~ but also like a grandpa haha And there was one that's a pullover, which also looked cute on him but he was like, I'm not gonna wear it. It made him look so cozy 🥺 but I didn't get to take a picture! Hmph.

~

Another cute thing I learned yesterday:
He was on Insta and his friends posted a picture of a dog.

Him: they got a new dog? nooo~ don't tell me-! no no no
*checks the other dog's IG*
Him: whew, November. Still good. 

LOL he thought his favorite dog passed away because they got a new one.
It's a small moppy dog (don't know the breed), and the first dog he got walk, feed, and pick up after lol And I asked, you were happy with that (picking up after it), and he laughed and said yeah, for some reason. HAHA. Innocent boy~ a (small?) dog person even though he got bit by a dog before. Surprised he isn't traumatized considering I have big dogs. But he loved Bobby and Reno, but they were gentle medium-sized doggos.

---

Yes, still have no access to work, so I sat down and wrote hehe. Time to get to work on Seesaw stuff!

No. I don't want to beeee *flails arms*

*Big sigh* It's been a year and some months since lockdown, pandemic, etc. I haven't been to the dentist since, and still very wary about going, actually. When things were seemingly normal, I finally set my mind on going to the dentist. Long story short, Jo found a dentist in SF and there were many issues from our previous dentist, seemingly decreasing our trust in him, so I decided to find one in SJ. Not to mention, it'd be convenient for the both of us in our respective areas.

Anyway, finding your own dentist is pretty difficult? It's hard to trust whether it will be a good dentist or not. I had to rely on the reviews for places, but it's hard to discern when there's varying opinions. And most people wouldn't even leave reviews for places like dentists, unless they had a super bad experience. I wanted to say, the place I chose, I didn't have a bad experience, but because I haven't been to my previous dentist in so long, I didn't know what to expect of my exam. Could it really have been that worse? Anyway, she recommended treatments that seemed to align with the previous dentist and my ongoing treatment there, plus a few others for the future. It'd cost me about $3k since the specific treatments weren't covered in insurance.

Today I called Capitol Dental and was able to schedule an office visit for next week. I was pretty anxious, and also I've never requested a second opinion before. But the receptionist I was talking to was very nice. She was very transparent with me, about what my insurance would cover, what I would end up paying out-of-pocket, and overall I was very reassured. If the second opinion agrees with the initial diagnosis, then I hope I ended up choosing a reliable clinic.

In preparation for this, I had to call Denti-Cal too *cries* I just don't like calls lol

Prior to the periodontal exam I went to, I had scheduled at a different clinic (we'll call this Clinic A) but it was fully booked until September. I still booked it in case other clinics had the same issue, but a call with another clinic had an opening the very next day instead. I just called into Clinic A to cancel, and the receptionist was really chill, nice and sounded very fun as she took me off their calendar. I had such a good morning all because these receptionists were being sooo nice to me. As nerve-wracking as all this was, it makes such a big difference when people treat you with kindness and patience.

I am very much protected considering I don't live too far from home/family, and so I end up still relying on them. But I know I gotta do these adulting things, y'know, or I'd end up being so lost. I still don't have a full-time job, but I am glad I do have a long-term (?) contract job. I am starting to waver about continuing the hunt in this field... it's been known to not pay well, in addition to being very difficult to land a job if you don't have internship/experience (which I don't) or connections (also a no, maybe 1 lol but it's not like we talk) 

I hope to start rolling the conveyor belts for my business and take it seriously. In addition, I may end up switching careers completely... 

I am so ded.

I went to play badminton with Jim, Tong, and Bryan. 2 hours worth of games LOL I am very much surprised I could still play. As rusty as I am--I haven't played for probably about 2+ years :o --I wasn't that rusty, lol. Before, even if I played every other week, I would miss a lot of birdies or fail serves a lot when I first started. Here I am, thinking I would miss the birdies on my first few hits, but I didn't! Anyway, so very sore. I am DRAINED. All I want to do is lay down. With all the stamina/energy being consumed, and how hot it was/how sweaty I was, I did end up getting a headache that was on and off. It wasn't too bad though. There goes my calves OTL (for context, I stopped going to badminton because I didn't want my calves to get any bigger than they already were LOL)

Afterward, went to Eastridge to wait for Nancy to get off work. We went to this Vietnamese restaurant in the N7/La Creme plaza by Steph's place. The food was aight. I got this chow fun dish, but it wasn't the thick noodles/Chinese dish I was thinking of; they used pad thai noodles instead of the wide flat ones.

Then I was dropped off home, where right after, Robin and I went to the gym. I was soo tired so I did light/no weights for leg day. Since I ate so late, I didn't eat dinner.

I will be so sore tomorrow.

~~

On a side note, still job hunting. But one of the interviews I had, though I was not accepted as an intern (was I overqualified? LOL), I signed a contract with them as a "graphics artist/animator"--so technically freelance? They will contact me when there's a project that I'm a fit for. I wasn't expecting much since I didn't get anything for a while, and then one of the project managers contacted me! At this point, a gig is a gig lol. I report directly to the project manager, and she's so nice, and in Hawaii lol. I have to work with an older videographer, otherwise, I'm mainly working on my own. The job itself isn't anything difficult, so that's good. My SJSU email is deactivating soon; does this mean I need to pay monthly for Adobe programs? Sadness. I currently use Illustrator and After Effects. If it weren't for this gig, I probably would've switched over to some open-source programs lol

ALSO. We recently got an Oculus and have been playing Beat Saber. It is pretty addicting heh.

I also want to do a cover but wow, do you know how long ago it was since I tried to learn a dance? Lol I'm just not motivated anymore. Learning just the chorus/TikTok-y dances are probably my limit. Unless the dance for a 3+ minute song is that good pft.

Yesterday, I hung out with the fam in SF.

I was annoyed prior because we were late. (Also because we were trying to organize all of his files, and some of the papers didn't scan correctly and I was irritated with it) Not so much at anyone... just the fact that we were running late. (I'm already a big enough disappointment enough PFT) Like, we had planned a time and everything, but of course, when are we ever on time LOL I just felt so bad I had to everyone else wait while we drove to them. We literally headed out for SF when Jim and them arrived at Jen's. I was just thinking in my head, why can't I decide on things that will be more efficient? Why can't I make decisions without worrying about what/how others would take it? Why can't I just be an empty shell void of emotions? It sure would make life easier huh... without these emotions that will make me worry about others' feelings. 

I find that I am weird human bean. I can be so selfish for reasons, but at the same time, I can be such a people pleaser that I end up stressing myself out. Sometimes I wish I was just more selfish and not care about everyone else so much. Would that make me a bad person? Hmm...

It was still fun. At Jen's place we ate lunch before heading out. They wanted to redress me because I was a fashion disaster, but it was hilarious because Jobee dressed me and it was ridiculous LOL and Jen's weeb clothes were ridiculous LOL Jim disapproved pft. Jim said my hair was so thin. She said that a while back before, but yeah. Thinning hair plus more white hairs on the crown as well, not just the back/bottom layer of my hair. It wasn't a sad thing, and I already knew, but even though I was just telling them, I felt like my eyes were watering and my voice started to shake. I don't really know why I wanted to cry. Embarrassing? I don't think so? Like I said before, I am very self-conscious and sensitive when it comes to my hair. Anyway, finally got an outfit together and headed out.

We walked down Golden Gate Park from the tulip garden with windmill (I forgot what the garden was called lol) -- there was way too many people there, the reason why we were supposed to get there early, but we got there after lunch-- to the Rose Garden. It was quite a walk, we got so tired lol. It was nice though. So much greenery and a "Mountain Dew" river lol Afterwards, we got Szechuan dinner takeout and milk tea~

---

Looking into different shampoos/conditioner that would help with thinning hair (Jim had sent Emi's video on her hair loss journey before) and I sent them a list of the shampoos to help me decide which one to use, and they were like just try them, take some biotin/supplements, but the main solution would be to take the stress out of your life LOL when the stress is a certain someone and job hunting OTL. But like, why am I like this? Why do I get triggered and mad at everything OTL

Ooh, on a side note. I did do the interview with ideaMACHINE with the CEO. He was definitely a theater person; hard to follow his humor. He was pretty nice, and attempted to make the interview pretty casual. But his high energy made me a lil' uncomfy lol I appreciate the effort though xD His questions made me think a bit... and also how other interviews would be like, and an idea of how my answers would make the company/interviewer feel. I didn't get the job, but I got an art test for Seesaw Learning. The assumed 1-2 hours to complete it, but I took around 4-6 hours to complete it, from creating the assets to animating it. But I really like the end result! It's cute and simple for preschool to kindergartners~ I have yet to hear back from them eeeep. 

I finally get a response to interview for a Summer internship, instead of the job position I applied for. (Plus, not actually in the kind of studio I expected myself to be in, but it's better than nothing.

I was excited!

That's the right reaction, right? Sure they said one thing that was like, uh... whut. But maybe they didn't mean it that way. So I email them back saying when I was available.
I hear nothing back for almost a week.
Then they tell me they scheduled the interview. On a day I never said I was available for.
And constantly mentioning what a liability interns are. Oh, but no worries! We love your work :D 

I literally have no idea how to feel. Like, what is this psychological manipulation? I thought it was just me, so I ask my sisters. I ask this animation community I'm in. I ask my friends. And they all they say the same thing: they sound so disrespectful. They sound like YOU should be grateful you were even given this chance. Sure. I agree.

But the experience, right? It's better than nothing.

Initially, I really considering turning this down. But then, my mom called and told me to just do it. Who cares if they're rude; you need the experience. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like a "model minority" thing. Just bow your head, y'know?

Anyway, I guess I'll accept the interview. Who knows, I might not even make it LOL And I don't know why, I feel like he'll flake LOL just a feeling. I'ma laugh when I join the meeting, and he never shows. PFT.

This whole ordeal was stressing me out because I couldn't decide what to do. But sometimes, you just gotta rip the bandage off.

If you read up on Zodiac readings (I am not sure what they're called), you'd know that this year is apparently fan tai sui (犯太歲) for the Ox-born people. I didn't know this, but fan tai sui happens at specific ages. Unfortunately for us, 24 is one of them LOL. How much of it is true, who knows. I didn't really look into it (I believe it also depends on time/star alignment when you were born--used to calculate how well you match with someone else in them olden days haha) I read it off here. While he's no expert, it was quite entertaining to look at.

As you can see, for the Ox, we got the short stick for the year. Y'all know it already, but wealth/career ain't happening this year! lol Though last Saturday (02/20/2021) was SHMCon, and I had a few sales which I am super grateful for. I knew a dry spell was going to happen after, though. Just because your Zodiac says it's going to be a bad year for you, doesn't mean you don't keep fighting. That first point said "Mooov them aside. Keep going." I think struggles are great in pushing ourselves to grow, though we may not enjoy/like them at all. While wealth/career are struggling, that's expected, let's hope health isn't bad, especially during this time in the pandemic...

But I guess what I wanted to say had to deal with relationships. Sure, I get one otter point out of five, but are we really going to let Zodiac/horoscope predictions define what we actually end up obtaining? It's like, if you let labels define you: though they weren't true, you started believing them, and you make them come true. You let the labels define you. I don't know if that made any sense. I haven't posted in a while because I hadn't the need to spill any tea. But I think the stress had built up, and I continued to keep everything in. It's not something I would blatantly complain to my sisters or friends, but in a way, I can spill tea to my blog. 

I can't remember if this happened last week, but just these past few days alone, we've fought. Saying the whole day would be incorrect, but it's a lot. One fight (I think it was last week?) almost ended with us breaking up. And if you didn't know, that was ~probably~ the third or fourth time we were close to breaking up LOL. It makes me think... how good it would be to be single again. At least you'll never be hurt :') I have nothing against romantic relationships though! I love love LOL but being in a relationship with someone who is not "you" will come with fights. They're not "you" in the sense that your habits, needs/wants, thought process-- just everything-- is not... "you." You and your partner may have that honeymoon phase where nothing either of you do will bother the other (we had quite a long one), but eventually, you will become comfortable with each other and each will have expectations of the other. Both of you will start "slacking" because there is no need to impress the other. In a good relationship, I think if that happens, neither of you would really mind. On the contrary, I think the changes will have negative effects and take a toll on the relationship.

...

And yet, when do you know it is time to part? 

I still cannot understand how anyone can part ways with a partner they spent years with. The same with, how can anyone who's been in a relationship bear to cheat on their partner. It doesn't make sense to me. I think I would understand if one has fallen out of love for their partner... (that still doesn't justify cheating; just cut it clean if that's how you really feel *rolls eyes*) Anyway, I digress.

So when/how would you know when one has become a hinderance to the other's growth? When/how would you know when you have become a negative influence on the other's life? Who defines these anyway? Also, how do you differentiate, not wanting to lose the way of life (you know, 'cause people hate changes) versus not wanting to lose material items versus not wanting to lose your partner... --ok this didn't make any sense. I don't know where I was trying to get at. ~ignore~

...

I think... that's where people break up for each other's good-- on mutual terms-- but in the worst case, heartbroken. (Did you know, I've felt my heartstrings break during one of our fights in the past? LOL like I really felt it. My chest did hurt... so much that I tried gripping it. Heh. I wonder if I posted about it... Even remembering all those times makes me sad... as someone who has pretty vivid memory...)

Even if we made it past those fights... what price did we have to pay for the rest of the time? How would it effect how we interact with each other? ... I dont' know.

~~

Nana, or any of you who read this, I don't want to discourage being in a relationship. I think being in one has their perks! Please just enjoy the time with your partner. In your dictionary, if they're worth the fight, I wish you stay strong and work things out. Ultimately, if you both agree it won't work out anymore, I wish you the best possible breakup (uh, that reads wrong LOL but I hope you understand my sentiment). Can a breakup happen with no heartbreak...? I guess that depends on the person. 

To be honest... if this relationship doesn't work out, I don't know if it'll work it out with another partner. I seem to be the catalyst pft. He's already patient with me as it is, but even he has a threshold for my "princess-tantrums." (Okay, it's not that I throw tantrums, but I get easily annoyed when things aren't done in a specific way, or if something is said that I don't like hearing-- it puts me in a really bad mood LOL and when I'm in a bad mood, I just don't want to talk. Let me simmer in my anger LOL but then that pisses him off.) Oop, no more details of my relationship lol.

Sometimes I would like to be left to myself...
love hurts, love anyway

I hate it.

Many people probably do. But we have no choice.

Applying to jobs would be manageable if only it was that simple. If only it was just submitting your resumé and application. But no. It's not that simple. It's always about connections. It's always about "putting yourself out there." If you're not the extrovert type, you join others in the lowest bracket of applicants. Never seen, if at all. At that point, it's not even your skills or merits that get you into the job. Of course, there's the argument that, even if you knew people, passing the interview is on you. Okay but right now, what are the chances of landing a job purely from an application?

Very low. You're supposed to "reach out." Follow up. And that's why they say job hunting is a full-time job. Back in the day, sure, a resumé would be good enough to get an interview. Nowadays with so many applicants and with applications being electronically screened by AI, chances are even slimmer. Companies don't have the time or manpower to send out rejection emails to every applicant, so you, as an applicant, is literally a sitting duck not knowing if your application was even seen. And not knowing why you were not shortlisted unless you follow-up. To who? You don't even know who saw your application.

Why isn't the application process easier for job hunters? Is it also a screening process? But why can't applicants find an addressee (for cover letters) easily? Maybe it's just me wanting things to more accessible.

But is that so much to ask?

Well wouldja look at that. It's the new year 2021 and I haven't blogged for a whole month *insert shocked Pikachu*

I've been feeling meh. What's new :p
What's better than a new year to get my shizz together. Again.
This morning I cleaned my desk and it feels good. No kidding that cleaning your space clears your mind.
And the end of December marks the end of my employment with SJAWP. I am currently unemployed oop oop. Was that good idea? Who knows...

BRAIN DUMP: I need to continue to apply to jobs (need to make new shots for an updated reel + update resume), work on merch for my shop (my polar bear/seal set + CNY merch), take Youtubing more seriously aka be more consistent/plan ahead etc.

I actually spent Christmas back home. And I was feeling super recharged! but as soon as I got back to San Jose, all that was gone. Ha. Ha. So I'm trying to get back into it by watching studio vlogs. Watching Tiffany making plushies for her RISD finals makes me want to get back to my crafts ToT maybe I'll crochet since that's the only craft I have here HMM.
Also because of this break, I realized a break is a good break when I stop stressing over the fact that I haven't created. Like, forcing myself to create really doesn't help. Thinking about it all also doesn't help. I felt rested when I was at home because I didn't have my tablet staring at me to create LOL

I have been playing a ton of Genshin Impact just because there was an ongoing event so I was grinding. The event ended 2 days ago so 

Side note: Robin met us halfway in Hayward on my way back to SJ, and we went to Hippie's Brew and got the Yoncé. It was good!

I've also been craving snacks like cookies and chips... woops.