 konnichiwa~
Hello there & welcome to my blog. Here you'll read tidbits about my daily life, some random thoughts, & maybe a rant here and there. I'm sure you'll learn something about me, if you don't know me of course. Down below are links to find me (personal accounts not posted). I hope you enjoyed your stay while listening to the songs I'm recently listening to. Come back & read again~ ^w^/
find me:
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Conflicted
written on Sunday, April 3, 2016 @ 1:41 AM ✈
Originally I was going to write a pretty long post after thinking so long on the drive back to SJ (yes, I'm back in SJ), but my mood went up so now I don't feel the need to, though I guess I have a few things to share?
I think I should've had an "emo" phase.
To be honest, I'm very much a 'happy virus' ya know? I'm super optimistic & peppy, for the most part. But the con of that kind of personality is, once you're sad/depressed, it's extreme sadness. I mean, it balances right? Being extremely happy all the time just means being extremely sad when your mood drops. So I kinda wished I had an emo phase. I almost did, but I think it was very short & temporary. Once I'm feeling down, I just lose all motivation and just, desire to do nothing at all; including not going to school etc. (not to the point of not wanting to live though). There's just no more desire of anything... and I'm just spaced out for a while.
I was mad/sad/annoyed/lost all at the same time.
I wish I never found out... never found out that the black hard drive in our room was not ours. To find out that it's possible my dad returned OUR hard drive because he thought it was his. We're hoping for a possibility that maybe ours is placed elsewhere, but the chances are pretty low. It had all our backups to old memories and whatnot. Imagine not getting any of those back... I can't. Too many emotions spilled out at once. I didn't know how I should be feeling. What's the right emotion to feel? Yes, I'm always annoyed at my dad & I'm sure I've written posts about how much I disliked him (mostly his actions; "hate" is a strong word). Yes, everyone makes mistakes. And so what? Once it's done, it's done. There's nothing that can be done to bring it back. There's nothing arguments can do to bring it back. So why bother? I don't even know... He didn't do it on purpose, yet we want someone to take the blame. The way we treat him? It's not right, we know that. But in our standards, what he's saying. Doing. It's not right. Yet in his standards, it's all good. Who's correct? Or, he just doesn't know. [No, I did not have an argument with him over the hard drive.]
I usually don't know when I'm stressing.
Because I don't feel like I'm breaking down, or need to. And it's not like I keep things to myself; I let it all go in my blog. I'm not telling someone, but I'm telling something I guess you could say. Times when I know I'm stressing is when I suddenly feel like I won't get something done, or that I'm straining myself so much that I want to cry yet don't want to. It's also when I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. Lists of things to do is what keeps me straight, calm-minded, and clear. Kind of. But things just pile up and become really stressful. Sometimes, they're not important. Not important things that stress me out is keeping up with my favorite groups on music shows, special music shows etc, shows, SNS, V app etc. What used to stress me out was saving every single pic of my babs from tumblr (that means going through hundreds of pages on various tumblr fanpages), and I finally broke that bad habit, though it occasionally comes back when I get hooked to a new group--though I keep telling myself they're not needed. I think a new thing (not really) that is stressing me out is knowing if I have every released album/single/song from artists, sometimes going all the way back to their debut. To be honest, will I listen to the old albums? Most likely not. Maybe sometimes I would want to listen to an old song or two. I'm trying to break that bad habit right now. Important things that are stressing me out are everyday homework, apartments for next year, money, and jobs.
I don't even know.
--
Well there's my rant of the day... I should really find a good cry.
I took the opportunity of LeAnn & Bea not back yet so I cleaned my table. I need to buy a bookshelf stand...? I love being in the dorm by myself~ So much freedom.
*A happy tidbit of the day: I got to eat crêpes with Steph, Mina, & Jessica. Then we had K-bbq. I was so full omg my tummy was sticking out so much (also bc I've been eating well at home).
Time to work out a lil' here & there. Time to go back to hip hop (soon). Time to learn all my babs' new dances~ (oi, I really cannot get stressed out bc I haven't watched a bajillion different shows and cuts of my babs ToT)
Well. It's time for me to sleep. My head is itchy > > Also, I'm typing in the dark. The cpu screen is gonna be sooo bad for my eyes >.<
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Conflicted
written on Sunday, April 3, 2016 @ 1:41 AM ✈
Originally I was going to write a pretty long post after thinking so long on the drive back to SJ (yes, I'm back in SJ), but my mood went up so now I don't feel the need to, though I guess I have a few things to share?
I think I should've had an "emo" phase.
To be honest, I'm very much a 'happy virus' ya know? I'm super optimistic & peppy, for the most part. But the con of that kind of personality is, once you're sad/depressed, it's extreme sadness. I mean, it balances right? Being extremely happy all the time just means being extremely sad when your mood drops. So I kinda wished I had an emo phase. I almost did, but I think it was very short & temporary. Once I'm feeling down, I just lose all motivation and just, desire to do nothing at all; including not going to school etc. (not to the point of not wanting to live though). There's just no more desire of anything... and I'm just spaced out for a while.
I was mad/sad/annoyed/lost all at the same time.
I wish I never found out... never found out that the black hard drive in our room was not ours. To find out that it's possible my dad returned OUR hard drive because he thought it was his. We're hoping for a possibility that maybe ours is placed elsewhere, but the chances are pretty low. It had all our backups to old memories and whatnot. Imagine not getting any of those back... I can't. Too many emotions spilled out at once. I didn't know how I should be feeling. What's the right emotion to feel? Yes, I'm always annoyed at my dad & I'm sure I've written posts about how much I disliked him (mostly his actions; "hate" is a strong word). Yes, everyone makes mistakes. And so what? Once it's done, it's done. There's nothing that can be done to bring it back. There's nothing arguments can do to bring it back. So why bother? I don't even know... He didn't do it on purpose, yet we want someone to take the blame. The way we treat him? It's not right, we know that. But in our standards, what he's saying. Doing. It's not right. Yet in his standards, it's all good. Who's correct? Or, he just doesn't know. [No, I did not have an argument with him over the hard drive.]
I usually don't know when I'm stressing.
Because I don't feel like I'm breaking down, or need to. And it's not like I keep things to myself; I let it all go in my blog. I'm not telling someone, but I'm telling something I guess you could say. Times when I know I'm stressing is when I suddenly feel like I won't get something done, or that I'm straining myself so much that I want to cry yet don't want to. It's also when I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. Lists of things to do is what keeps me straight, calm-minded, and clear. Kind of. But things just pile up and become really stressful. Sometimes, they're not important. Not important things that stress me out is keeping up with my favorite groups on music shows, special music shows etc, shows, SNS, V app etc. What used to stress me out was saving every single pic of my babs from tumblr (that means going through hundreds of pages on various tumblr fanpages), and I finally broke that bad habit, though it occasionally comes back when I get hooked to a new group--though I keep telling myself they're not needed. I think a new thing (not really) that is stressing me out is knowing if I have every released album/single/song from artists, sometimes going all the way back to their debut. To be honest, will I listen to the old albums? Most likely not. Maybe sometimes I would want to listen to an old song or two. I'm trying to break that bad habit right now. Important things that are stressing me out are everyday homework, apartments for next year, money, and jobs.
I don't even know.
--
Well there's my rant of the day... I should really find a good cry.
I took the opportunity of LeAnn & Bea not back yet so I cleaned my table. I need to buy a bookshelf stand...? I love being in the dorm by myself~ So much freedom.
*A happy tidbit of the day: I got to eat crêpes with Steph, Mina, & Jessica. Then we had K-bbq. I was so full omg my tummy was sticking out so much (also bc I've been eating well at home).
Time to work out a lil' here & there. Time to go back to hip hop (soon). Time to learn all my babs' new dances~ (oi, I really cannot get stressed out bc I haven't watched a bajillion different shows and cuts of my babs ToT)
Well. It's time for me to sleep. My head is itchy > > Also, I'm typing in the dark. The cpu screen is gonna be sooo bad for my eyes >.<
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we live under the same sky
“To put away aimlessness and weakness, and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully.”
- James Allen Quotes
Sometimes I wonder how people see me and what they think of me. It scares me a bit, honestly. I am sure though, that what they think of me,
what they think my life is, is a complete misperception. I have always tried to show myself as a carefree person, as someone who wont get bothered
because of public judgements. I am sure my friend and family think there is nothing going wrong in my life, that I do not worry enough, that
I am always happy. And I am sure they probably somewhat hate me for it because, lets admit it, there is nothing worse than seeing someone
whose life seems so perfect while yours is a complete mess. Truth is, I have become an expert at pretending. I think we are all experts
or at least we are getting there.
I kept the image on the left bc it was kawaii-ne~ & this above bc I really liked what the creator wrote ^^
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: afeeqah azhar, 19 march, malaysian .
: hidenobu suzuki, + follow